Posted in: AEW, Sports, TV | Tagged: AEW Collision, recaps, wrestling

AEW Collision Review: Two Pillars Clash and Only One Survives

Greetings, comrades! Your El Presidente reviews AEW Collision, where Darby Allin survived Sammy Guevara, Lio Rush leaked goo, and Esteban sipped cucumber water!

Greetings, comrades! It is I, your beloved El Presidente, reporting to you live from the observation deck of my luxury submarine, which has now surfaced in the warm waters of an undisclosed Caribbean lagoon following last night's broadcast of AEW Collision! Esteban is sunning himself on the deck with a tiny umbrella in his cucumber water, and I am pleased to report that the CIA's torpedoes missed us entirely – probably because Langley was too busy watching AEW Collision themselves, as all good comrades should! Let us dissect the show segment by segment, shall we?

The Death Riders Address Their Enemies

We opened with Jon Moxley and his merry band of malcontents addressing the world, with Moxley admitting that Kyle O'Reilly has tapped him out twice but insisting he is a changed man. Comrades, I too have been "tapped out" before – most notably by my third wife during our 1991 divorce proceedings – and I assure you, you do come back stronger! Claudio Castagnoli, PAC, Daniel Garcia, Wheeler Yuta, and Marina Shafir all chimed in with their "us against the world" rhetoric, which reminds me of the speeches I give my cabinet every Tuesday before our weekly purge.

AEW World Trios Championship Eliminator: The Conglomeration vs. Shane Taylor Promotions

Orange Cassidy, Kyle O'Reilly, and Mark Briscoe defeated Lee Moriarty, Shawn Dean, and Carlie Bravo in a hometown showcase for Briscoe in nearby Salisbury. Shane Taylor interfered, because of course he did – capitalist pigs like Taylor never fight fair, comrades! Briscoe hit the Froggy Bow and then the Jay Driller on Dean for the win. This reminded me of when I returned to my home village in 1996 and personally hit a Froggy Bow off the roof of the post office onto a CIA operative. The villagers still talk about it. Probably.

Will Ospreay Addresses Samoa Joe

Will Ospreay spoke backstage about his frustrations since returning from injury, suggesting that maybe – just maybe – having Moxley in his corner would not be such a bad thing. Comrades, this is how it starts! First you accept a little help from the local strongman, next thing you know you are wearing matching leather jackets and helping him stage a coup. I know this because I have RECRUITED many people using this exact playbook. Ospreay, my sweet British comrade, please do not fall for it!

The Conglomeration is Ready to Conglomerate

Kyle O'Reilly vowed to submit Moxley again, Mark Briscoe called out Tommaso Ciampa, and Willow Nightingale declared herself ready. Short, sweet, and to the point – the way I like my executive orders!

TBS Championship Match: Willow Nightingale (c) vs. Red Velvet

Willow Nightingale defeated Red Velvet with the Babe with the Powerbomb to retain the TBS Championship. Velvet brought the fire I predicted in my preview, comrades – it turns out being snubbed from the Owen Hart Foundation Tournament really does light a fire, much like the time I "accidentally" left Robert Mugabe off the guest list for my 60th birthday party. He set my pool house ablaze. We laughed about it later over mojitos!

The History of Darby Allin and Sammy Guevara

A video package recapping the long history between two of AEW's Original Four Pillars. Pillars, comrades! In my country, when we say "pillar," we mean it – we have a national monument with four actual pillars, each one named after a different general I had executed in 1989. It is a beautiful tourist attraction.

Sammy Guevara Says History Is On His Side

Sammy Guevara told Lexy Nair he would beat Darby Allin, then beat MJF at Double or Nothing and shave him bald. Comrades, threatening a man's hair is serious business. I once threatened to shave Steven Seagal's ponytail during a state dinner in 2007 and he wept openly into his borscht.

Darby Allin Has Words for MJF

Darby Allin called MJF out for not being a company man, then announced he would defend the title against Speedball Mike Bailey on Wednesday if he retained. This is the kind of work ethic I demand from my own subordinates, comrades! Allin would make a fine Minister of Recklessness in my cabinet.

Mark Briscoe and Tommaso Ciampa Brawl

A backstage brawl between Briscoe and Ciampa spilled into the arena, with Ciampa attempting a Psycho Killer off the top rope through a chair before Orange Cassidy and Kyle O'Reilly made the save. Briscoe then demanded an Anything Goes match. Anything Goes, comrades! My favorite kind of match, and also my favorite kind of foreign policy.

The Opps vs. The Lethal Twist

Samoa Joe and Anthony Bowens defeated Jay Lethal and Lee Johnson with simultaneous submissions. Bowens is becoming MEAN under Joe's mentorship, comrades, and I love to see it! This is what proper mentorship looks like. When I mentored a young Hugo Chávez in the art of the four-hour televised speech, he too became meaner and more long-winded. A proud moment.

Swerve Strickland and Bandido Are on a Collision Course

A video package recapped Swerve Strickland's attack on Bandido at ROH Supercard of Honor. Swerve has gone full villain, comrades, and as a connoisseur of villainy, I approve of his commitment to the bit. Some of my colleagues here at Bleeding Cool, on the other hand…

Brodido Address Swerve Together

Bandido told Brody King that this was his fight, then promised Swerve that he would no longer be a danger to anyone. Brodido is a wonderful name, comrades. It sounds like a Caribbean cocktail I would order on my yacht. Esteban prefers his Brodidos shaken, not stirred.

Divine Dominion is Unstoppable

Megan Bayne and Lena Kross called the five-minute clock a "death clock." Ominous! I have a death clock in my throne room too, but it only counts down to the next CIA assassination attempt. It is currently at 14 days, which is a new record.

AEW Women's World Tag Team Championship 5-Minute Eliminator: Divine Dominion vs. Allie Katch & Kaia McKenna

Divine Dominion squashed Allie Katch and Kaia McKenna in 1:57 with Divine Intervention. Comrades, 1:57 is also approximately how long my last Minister of Tourism lasted before I had him reassigned to "an extended fact-finding mission" in the salt mines.

AEW Women's World Championship Four-Way Video Package

A video package hyped the Double or Nothing four-way between Thekla, Kris Statlander, Jamie Hayter, and Hikaru Shida. Four women, one title – this is the only kind of "four-way" I am allowed to mention on this family-friendly socialist blog.

Athena and Mina Shirakawa Come Face-to-Face

Athena reminded everyone she has been champion for over 1,250 days, while Mina Shirakawa said she would stop dreaming and start living. 1,250 days is impressive, comrades, but I have been president-for-life for 14,847 days, and counting. Eat my dust, Athena.

Lio Rush Says It's Fine

Lio Rush repeatedly told Nigel McGuinness that everything was "fine" after Action Andretti cost him his ROH TV Title match. Then he removed his sunglasses and revealed RED IRISES and LIQUID LEAKING FROM HIS MOUTH. Comrades! What is happening?! Is Lio Rush possessed? Has he been replaced by a CIA pod person? I demand answers! This was the most intriguing thing on AEW Collision, and I will be following it closely from my submarine.

Mark Davis & The Dogs vs. The Rascalz

Mark Davis and The Dogs defeated The Rascalz with The Clip on Myron Reed. Davis hitting Close Your Eyes and Count to Three is a move I deeply respect, comrades. I use it on my political opponents quite literally – I tell them to close their eyes, and they wake up in a different country.

TayJay is Back

Anna Jay and Tay Melo reunited as TayJay. Reunions are beautiful, comrades. It reminds me of when I reunited with my long-lost brother in 2011, only to discover he was actually a CIA agent sent to assassinate me. We had a lovely dinner before I had him deported. Family!

AEW World Championship Match: Darby Allin (c) vs. Sammy Guevara — No Count Outs

In the main event of AEW Collision, Darby Allin defeated Sammy Guevara to retain the AEW World Championship in his SIXTH defense. Guevara threw everything at him – a ladder dive through a table, a Spanish Fly, TWO GTHs, a frog splash – and Allin kept kicking out like a man possessed. Guevara missed a 630 splash through a table, and Allin hit the Coffin Drop for the win. Comrades, this was the kind of main event that justifies a three-hour subscription to my luxury submarine's satellite feed! Allin now moves on to defend against Speedball Mike Bailey on Wednesday's special three-hour Dynamite/Collision, and then to Hair vs. Title against MJF at Double or Nothing. The capitalist pig MJF is going to lose those luscious locks, comrades, and I cannot wait!

Overall, AEW Collision delivered a solid go-home show before Double or Nothing, comrades. The main event was excellent, the Lio Rush horror movie tease has me hooked, and Divine Dominion continues to terrify everyone in their path. Until next time, this is your El Presidente, signing off from international waters! Esteban sends his regards. ¡Hasta luego, comrades!

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