Posted in: Sports, TV, WWE | Tagged: recaps, wrestling, wwe smackdown

WWE SmackDown Review: Trick Goes Home While Keys Comes up Short

Comrades, your El Presidente reviews WWE SmackDown from Columbia, where Trick Williams celebrated, Gunther earned his title shot, and Cody sent a message!

Greetings, comrades! It is I, your magnificent El Presidente, reporting to you live from the rooftop infinity pool of my Presidential Palace, where I am currently floating on an inflatable swan the size of a small fishing vessel, recovering from last night's broadcast of WWE SmackDown from the Colonial Life Arena in Columbia, South Carolina! Esteban, my beloved capybara, is paddling beside me on his own smaller inflatable swan, sipping a piña colada through a crazy straw made of pure platinum that I confiscated from a Saudi prince who lost a bet to me at baccarat. Now, comrades, let us discuss the blue brand's offerings, because WWE SmackDown delivered enough drama last night to fuel three coup attempts and a minor border skirmish!

Trick Williams Comes Home to Columbia

The hometown pop for Trick Williams in Columbia, South Carolina was the kind of adulation I myself receive when I return to my home village after a long campaign of "diplomatic outreach." The United States Champion strutted out in his lemon pepper steppers to a crowd that loved him like the proletariat loves a free loaf of bread. Beautiful scenes, comrades! It reminded me of my own triumphant return to my hometown after the failed coup of 1987 — though in my case the cheers were largely mandatory and enforced by armed guards.

The Miz Crashes the Party

Just as Trick was basking in the love of his people, in came The Miz alongside Kit Wilson to ruin the festivities like the CIA ruined my 40th birthday party in 1992. Miz, that loquacious capitalist parasite, set up a match with the United States Champion right then and there. Comrades, I have not seen a hometown celebration hijacked this efficiently since I crashed Fidel Castro's surprise party with a marching band and a llama. Long story.

Trick Williams vs. The Miz

The match itself on WWE SmackDown was a delightful affair! Kit Wilson did his best snake-in-the-grass impression behind the referee's back, Miz hit the Skull Crushing Finale only for Trick to kick out, and then — comrades, you will not believe this — Lil Yachty appeared and snatched a kendo stick away from Miz to crack Kit Wilson with it! A rapper intervening in a wrestling match to defend the workers from the bourgeoisie — this is the kind of solidarity I have been preaching for decades! Trick hit the Trick Shot for the win, and Columbia erupted. Whoop that Trick, indeed!

Paige & Brie Bella vs. Giulia & Kiana James

The WWE Women's Tag Team Champions Paige and Brie Bella took on Giulia and Kiana James in a non-title bout, and comrades, the champions looked sharp! Brie unleashed the Yes Kicks on both opponents — a move I once attempted on a French ambassador during a particularly heated dinner party — and Paige finished Kiana James with the Rampaige. Speaking of Paige, I once tried to rename my nation's capital "Rampaige City" after a karaoke duet we shared in Mykonos, but the cabinet vetoed it when the CIA complained it made their paperwork confusing.

Gunther, Cody, and a Contract Signing Gone Wrong

Gunther was set to sign the Clash in Italy contract for his Undisputed WWE Championship match against Cody Rhodes, but in walked Royce Keys to disrupt the proceedings! General manager Nick Aldis — a man whose mustache I deeply respect — decreed that Gunther and Keys must fight for the title shot. Comrades, this is exactly how I handle disputes in my cabinet! Two ministers want the same job? Last one standing gets the office. It builds character and reduces the pension budget.

Carmelo Hayes vs. Ricky Saints

Carmelo Hayes returned to WWE SmackDown to take on Ricky Saints in what was an exciting back-and-forth contest. Saints survived Dirty Diana and the First 48, hit the Revolution DDT for a near-fall, then made the classic mistake of arguing with the referee — and comrades, NEVER argue with the official, as I learned at a FIFA tribunal in 2003. Hayes rolled him up using the ropes for leverage, the kind of dirty tactic the CIA has tried to use against me approximately 47 times. A win is a win, comrade Carmelo!

Damian Priest vs. Tama Tonga

With R-Truth not medically cleared (perhaps he forgot which doctor's office to go to — I jest, I jest, I love that man), Damian Priest went solo against Tama Tonga and emerged victorious with South of Heaven. Then, predictably, Talla Tonga and Solo Sikoa emerged to even the odds in the most uneven way possible. Comrades, the Tongas operate exactly like my old paramilitary unit — strength in numbers and absolutely no concept of fair play. I respect it!

Danhausen Cooks Up His Next Masterpiece

Danhausen returned to his cloning machine, and comrades, I must say — this strange little wizard speaks to my soul. I too have a cloning machine in the basement of my volcano lair, though mine is used exclusively to produce body doubles for state functions I would rather not attend. Last week I sent three of them to a UN summit and went fishing with Esteban instead. They never noticed!

Jade Cargill Confronts Charlotte and Alexa

Jade Cargill took the microphone to address the WWE Universe, only to be interrupted by Charlotte Flair and Alexa Bliss, with Michin and B-Fab standing behind The Storm in solidarity. Comrades, the tension was thicker than the gravy at my state dinners! I watched this segment alongside Kim Jong-un via satellite link as promised, and he was so riveted he forgot to insult me for a full eleven minutes — a personal record!

Charlotte Flair & Alexa Bliss vs. Michin & B-Fab

The match that followed on WWE SmackDown ended in a disqualification when Jade Cargill yanked Alexa Bliss out of the ring mid-pin after a Sister Abigail on B-Fab. Then came the post-match beatdown, with Jade, Michin, and B-Fab stomping a mudhole into Charlotte and Alexa. Comrades, DQ finishes are like minor coup attempts — frustrating, inconclusive, but they set up the bigger conflict to come. I approve of the long game here!

Gunther vs. Royce Keys for the No. 1 Contendership

The main event of WWE SmackDown was a hoss fight for the ages! Royce Keys threw Gunther around like he was tossing me out of a Macau casino after I tried to pay with currency from a country that no longer exists. World's Strongest Slams on the announce table! Superplexes! Gunther locked in a sleeper, but Solo Sikoa came down to interfere — and then, comrades, the most beautiful betrayal: Solo handed Keys a steel chair, and Keys cracked Solo with it instead! Friendships dissolve faster in professional wrestling than they do in dictator summits, and that is saying something. Gunther capitalized with a powerbomb and earned his title shot at Clash in Italy.

But then! Cody Rhodes emerged to plant Gunther with Cross Rhodes to close the show, sending a message to his Austrian challenger. The American Nightmare playing dirty, comrades! I knew I liked that man.

And that, comrades, was WWE SmackDown! A solid evening of programming that delivered hometown joy, betrayals, beatdowns, and a clone machine — what more could a viewer ask for? Now, if you will excuse me, Esteban has just informed me that the inflatable swan fleet requires reinforcements, and I must summon my pool boy at once. Until next time — long live the workers, long live WWE SmackDown, and as always, comrades — DEATH TO THE CIA!

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