Posted in: AEW, Sports, TV | Tagged: AEW Dynamite, recaps, wrestling

AEW Dynamite Review: New Champions Crowned, Bloody Brawls Ensue

El Presidente reviews AEW Dynamite! Two titles changed hands, Omega and Swerve brawled through the arena, and hair will be on the line in Australia!

Greetings, comrades! It is I, your El Presidente, reporting to you live from my luxury bunker in an undisclosed location (the CIA tried to interfere with my satellite feed tonight, but joke's on them—I have seventeen backup dishes hidden throughout my palace grounds). Last night's episode of AEW Dynamite was absolutely spectacular, comrades, and I am here to tell you all about it!

AEW Dynamite delivered championship chaos from Ontario, California, and let me tell you, the action was more intense than the time I had to negotiate a hostage situation with Muammar Gaddafi over who got the last piece of baklava at our annual dictators' potluck! Two titles changed hands, comrades, and the road to Grand Slam Australia became even more thrilling!

AEW Dynamite opened with Tony Schiavone bringing out Kenny Omega and Swerve Strickland with Prince Nana for what was supposed to be a civilized interview, but comrades, this quickly descended into beautiful chaos! Swerve called Omega a "false prophet" and questioned whether he was using his EVP power to get ahead. Ah, the accusations of political corruption! This reminded me of the time my cousin accused me of rigging the election, and I said, "Of course I rigged it—how else would democracy work properly?"

Omega fired back by saying Swerve may ask "Whose House?" but the lights are on and nobody's home! Then he called Brody King the most dangerous man in AEW instead of Swerve, which got a massive reaction! This was a tactical error on Omega's part, comrades. You see, I learned from my battles with the CIA that you should never insult a man's self-proclaimed title. I once told a CIA operative that he wasn't actually "elite," and he spent the next three hours crying in the bathroom.

The two men brawled all over the arena, using chairs, trash cans, and anything not nailed down! Omega hit a V-Trigger that crushed Swerve's head into a video board, but Swerve came back and SPEARED OMEGA OFF THE STAGE THROUGH TABLES! Magnificent! This reminded me of the time Kim Jong-un and I got into an argument about whose palace had better feng shui, and we settled it by throwing each other through furniture. He won that encounter, but only because I was distracted by his magnificent collection of imported cheeses.

Tony Khan made it official: these two will face each other next week on AEW Dynamite in Sacramento! I cannot wait, comrades!

The Death Riders—Jon Moxley, Claudio Castagnoli, and PAC—defeated the Don Callis Family team of Konosuke Takeshita, Josh Alexander, and Mark Davis in a thrilling trios match! This was a preview of Moxley versus Takeshita for the AEW Continental Championship at Grand Slam Australia, and what a preview it was!

The action was fast and furious, with all six men showing why they are among the best in professional wrestling! Castagnoli put the giant swing on Alexander, which always delights me. You see, comrades, I once used this very technique during a cabinet meeting when my Minister of Agriculture questioned my five-year plan for nationalizing the banana plantations. After seventeen rotations, he saw things my way!

Moxley got the pin on Alexander with the Death Rider, and afterward, he and Takeshita had words. The tension is building beautifully for their championship encounter, comrades!

Kyle Fletcher defeated Tommaso Ciampa to win the TNT Championship in what can only be described as an instant classic! Comrades, this match had more near-falls than my last re-election campaign had legitimate votes (which is to say, quite a few, because my elections are completely legitimate, I assure you).

Don Callis was on commentary for this match, with Lance Archer watching his back. Fletcher and Ciampa beat the absolute hell out of each other for over twenty minutes! They exchanged running knees, brainbusters, and kicks that would have knocked the head off a lesser man. Ciampa hit a Psycho Driller on the steel steps that made me wince, and I once watched Nicolae Ceaușescu stub his toe on a palace pillar without flinching!

Fletcher finally won with a brainbuster in the middle of the ring to become TNT Champion for the second time! After the match, Mark Briscoe came out and challenged Fletcher to a ladder match for the title at Grand Slam Australia! This will be their seventh match against each other, and Briscoe wants it to be the final chapter. How poetic, comrades! This is like when Fidel Castro and I agreed that our seventh arm-wrestling competition would be the last one, and whoever won would get naming rights to the sandwich we invented together (I won, which is why the Cuban sandwich is actually called the "El Presidente Special" in enlightened countries).

Orange Cassidy and Roderick Strong were supposed to team up against Daniel Garcia and Clark Connors, but Strong abandoned Cassidy mid-match! This act of betrayal reminded me of the time my Vice President tried to stage a coup while I was getting a pedicure. He failed, of course, and now he runs a charming little gift shop in the countryside.

Despite being outnumbered, Cassidy fought back and got help when Darby Allin appeared and dragged Connors into the crowd! Cassidy rolled up Garcia for the victory! But then Wheeler Yuta and Marina Shafir brought out Mina Shirakawa locked in a submission hold, and Yuta CUT HER HAIR! This was psychological warfare at its finest, comrades! Toni Storm watched in horror from a luxury box, powerless to help her friend.

Storm then cut a promo accepting Shafir's hair versus hair match at Grand Slam Australia, saying that if she loses, she will become "the most beautiful bald bastard this world has ever seen!" I admire her confidence! This is the kind of attitude I had when the CIA threatened to release embarrassing photos of me at a karaoke bar in Manila. I said, "Release them! I was magnificent that night, and my rendition of 'My Way' brought the house down!"

In the number one contender's triple threat tag team match, the Young Bucks—Matt Jackson and Nick Jackson—defeated The Rascalz—Dezmond Xavier and Myron Reed—and the mystery team of Private Party—Marq Quen and Isiah Kassidy! The action was non-stop, comrades, with bodies flying everywhere like during that unfortunate incident at my nephew's wedding when we hired an inexperienced catapult operator for the fireworks display.

The Young Bucks won with their BTE Trigger and flipping piledriver combination, earning a shot at FTR's AEW World Tag Team Championships! After the match, Dax Harwood, Cash Wheeler, and Big Stokely came out. Harwood cut a scathing promo, saying FTR has been successful everywhere while the Bucks had to create their own company to succeed! Ouch, comrades! That burn was hotter than the time Hugo Chávez accidentally sat on a hibachi grill at our summer retreat!

The Bucks responded with superkicks and grabbed the tag team titles, making their intentions clear. I cannot wait to see this rivalry unfold!

In the main event of AEW Dynamite, Thekla defeated Kris Statlander in a strap match to become the new AEW Women's World Champion! This match was brutal, comrades! Statlander was busted open early and bled all over the ring like a true warrior!

The two women used the leather strap as a weapon, whipping each other mercilessly. This reminded me of the time Saddam Hussein and I got into a dispute over who made better hummus, and we settled it with a strap match in his palace courtyard. He won that encounter, but only because I was distracted by the magnificent mosaic work on his ceiling!

Skye Blue and Julia Hart interfered to help Thekla, with Blue distracting the referee while Hart tried to attack Statlander. Thekla tied Statlander's hands behind her back and hit a devastating stomp for the victory! The Triangle of Madness is now complete with all the gold, comrades! After the match, Jamie Hayer and Alex Windsor, the Brawling Birds, made the save for Statlander.

Comrades, I must note that Brody King, who will challenge MJF for the AEW World Championship at Grand Slam Australia, was nowhere to be seen on AEW Dynamite. Rumor has it that AEW's television partner WBD requested he be kept off the show to avoid offending America's number one snowflake, Donald Trump! Can you believe it, comrades? A wrestling company being told who they can and cannot feature because of political concern about appeasing a weak-minded and thin-skinned dictator? This would never happen in my country, where I have complete editorial control over all media and no one ever dares to offend m–! Wait, that came out wrong…

AEW Dynamite delivered an exceptional show that has me even more excited for Grand Slam Australia! Two new champions were crowned, and the card for this weekend's spectacular is absolutely stacked! As someone who once had to organize a state dinner for forty-seven visiting dignitaries with only three hours notice, I can appreciate the logistical mastery required to put together such a show!

I will definitely be tuning in to Grand Slam Australia this weekend, comrades! And I encourage all of you to do the same! Support professional wrestling! Support the workers seizing the means of entertainment production! And most importantly, support El Presidente's continued coverage of AEW Dynamite and all things professional wrestling!

Until next time, comrades: Viva la revolución! Viva la lucha libre! And viva the new champions!

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