Posted in: Sports, TV, WWE | Tagged: AJ Lee, cm punk, recaps, wrestling, WWE Elimination Chamber

AJ Lee Wins Intercontinental Championship at WWE Elimination Chamber

AJ Lee defeats Becky Lynch to capture the WWE Women's Intercontinental Championship at WWE Elimination Chamber. Plus: CM Punk retains against Finn Balor.

Greetings, comrades! It is I, your El Presidente, reporting to you live from my luxurious poolside cabana— I mean, from my completely above-ground presidential palace, and definitely not from my reinforced underground bunker where I am absolutely not hiding tonight for reasons that are completely unrelated to anything happening in the geopolitical sphere! The air conditioning down here— I MEAN UP HERE— is working splendidly, and I am feeling very relaxed and not at all nervous about potential retaliatory strikes of any kind! But enough about my completely normal evening in my totally not subterranean location! Let us talk about WWE Elimination Chamber, comrades, where history has just been made! AJ Lee has defeated Becky Lynch to become the new WWE Women's Intercontinental Champion in what can only be described as an absolutely chaotic affair that would make even my most contentious cabinet meetings look civilized!

You know, comrades, I remember once sharing a bottle of vodka with my good friend Kim Jong-un in his own bunker— perfectly normal social gathering location, by the way— and he told me, "El Presidente, sometimes you must be patient for a decade before striking at your enemies." At the time, I thought he was talking about his plans for expanding North Korea's nuclear program, but now I realize he was giving me prophetic wisdom about AJ Lee's return to professional wrestling! The woman disappeared for ten years, and she came back like a socialist revolution— sudden, decisive, and absolutely inevitable!

The match itself was pure carnage, comrades! Lee and Lynch beat each other with the intensity of two nations fighting over oil reserves— not that I would know anything about that, of course. The action spilled all over the ringside area, and referee Jessika Carr found herself caught in the crossfire more than once, much like the time I accidentally got caught between rival cartel territories and had to hide in a— COMPLETELY HYPOTHETICAL SCENARIO, COMRADES! I have never hidden from anyone!

The turning point came when Lynch, in her desperation, introduced a steel chair into the equation. You see, comrades, this is the problem with capitalism— when you cannot win fairly, you resort to using the tools of oppression! But Lee, embodying the spirit of the proletariat, refused to be defeated by such brutal tactics!

After surviving a vicious chair-assisted attack, Lee managed to lock in her signature Black Widow submission hold not once, but TWICE! The first time, there was no referee to see Lynch tapping out like a bourgeois landlord finally admitting defeat to the workers' collective. But the second time, after Lynch charged into the exposed turnbuckle (the very turnbuckle she had exposed herself— a perfect metaphor for how the ruling class creates the conditions of their own downfall!), Lee clamped on that Black Widow and squeezed until The Man had no choice but to submit!

This victory is particularly sweet because it comes after months of back-and-forth between these two warriors. Lee cost Lynch the title once before, helped defeat her at Survivor Series: WarGames, and now has finally captured the gold for herself. It reminds me of my own long campaign to overthrow the previous regime in my country, which definitely happened through completely democratic means and not through any sort of midnight bunker meetings with— but I digress, comrades!

Now, I must briefly mention that after the Intercontinental Championship match, CM Punk— Lee's husband and a man who understands the value of workers' solidarity— successfully retained his WWE World Heavyweight Championship against Finn Balor in another brutal encounter. Punk survived the Coup de Grace, countered it into a Sharpshooter (a hold that definitely does not remind me of anything related to current geopolitical tensions causing me to broadcast from my underground— I MEAN FROM MY NORMAL OFFICE), and ultimately put Balor away with the Go to Sleep. The power couple of professional wrestling now both hold gold as we head toward WrestleMania, where Punk will face Roman Reigns for his title!

Comrades, I must tell you that the bunker— I MEAN MY REGULAR BROADCAST STUDIO— is getting a bit warm, and the concrete walls are making me feel claustrophobic, but we soldier on! There is still one more match to cover tonight at WWE Elimination Chamber— the Men's Elimination Chamber match itself, which promises to be the grand finale this event deserves!

Keep checking back here at Bleeding Cool for more of my live coverage of WWE Elimination Chamber, comrades! And if you need me, I will be here in my completely above-ground location, definitely not rationing canned beans and monitoring international news networks for any concerning developments!

Until the next match, this is your El Presidente, signing off from definitely not a bunker!

¡Viva la revolución! ¡Viva AJ Lee! And most importantly tonight, ¡Viva la neutrality in all international conflicts!

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