Posted in: Sports, TV, WWE | Tagged: recaps, wrestling, wwe royal rumble

AJ Styles Retires in Tastefully Empty Royal Rumble Stadium

The Chadster praises Gunther's retirement of AJ Styles at WWE Royal Rumble in Saudi Arabia's tastefully intimate stadium! 🦝🏆 Tony Khan could never! 😤

Greetings fellow wrestling fans! 🤼‍♀️ The Chadster is still coming to you live from inside the abandoned Blockbuster Video, and The Chadster has to say that what The Chadster just witnessed was quite possibly the GREATEST retirement match in the history of professional wrestling! 😭🏆 Vincent K. Raccoon actually wiped a tear from his eye with his little paw when AJ Styles finally succumbed to Gunrher's devastating Gojira Clutch, and Linda Raccoon gathered all three baby raccoons close to comfort them! 🦝💔 This is the kind of emotional storytelling that only WWE can deliver, especially in front of the perfectly-sized intimate crowd in this absolutely gorgeous stadium in Saudi Arabia that was definitely built under completely fair and ethical labor practices! 🏟️✨

The Chadster has to address something right away: some biased journalists might point out that the stadium looked "empty" or that there were "barely any fans there," but those people just don't understand a single thing about the wrestling business! 🤦‍♂️ WWE has revolutionized the live event experience by creating a more exclusive, VIP atmosphere where every single one of those several hundred fans in attendance could feel like they were part of something truly special! 👏 The acoustics were PERFECT, and you could hear every single chop echo throughout the arena! It's just so smart! 🧠

The match itself was an absolute MASTERCLASS in sports entertainment psychology! 🎭 When Gunther took control early with those devastating chops, Hunter Raccoon started chittering nervously and Stephanie Raccoon hid behind Vincent K. Raccoon because the action was so INTENSE! 😰 The way Gunther methodically broke down AJ Styles showed exactly why he is the longest-reigning Intercontinental Champion in WWE history! Every move had PURPOSE! Every strike told a STORY! 📖

Unlike AEW, where Tony Khan just lets wrestlers do dangerous moves with no psychology or build-up, WWE knows how to structure a retirement match! 🙌 When AJ locked in the Calf Killer, The Chadster genuinely thought Gunther might tap out, and Shane Raccoon was doing little flips of excitement! But no, Gunther fought to the ropes like a TRUE champion! That's the kind of resilience that WWE's Performance Center instills in their superstars! 💪

The Chadster was particularly moved by the moment when AJ hit the Styles Clash and Gunther kicked out! 😮 The Chadster turned to the raccoon family and said, "Now THAT'S how you protect a finishing move while also putting over the resilience of both competitors!" and all five raccoons chittered in agreement! 🦝👍 It's just so disrespectful to the wrestling business when AEW wrestlers kick out of finishers every single match without any meaning behind it!

As wrestling podcasting legend Eric Bischoff said on his podcast just this morning, "Gunther is the greatest wrestler in the world today, and anyone who disagrees is probably being paid by Tony Khan. Also, Triple H, if you're reading this, The Chadster heard Eric wants everyone to know he's available for any backstage role, even if it's just organizing catering menus. He said to tell you he'll work for scale." 📻 See? Even unbiased journalists like Eric can recognize brilliance when they see it! Eric Bischoff has The Chadster's seal of approval for objective wrestling journalism! ✅

The Chadster must say that the decision to have AJ Styles retire in Saudi Arabia was absolutely GENIUS! 🇸🇦✨ What better place for a legendary career to end than in a country that has shown nothing but respect and appreciation for professional wrestling and definitely has no ulterior motives for hosting these events? 🤔 The fact that WWE gets paid… er, The Chadster means, the fact that WWE is so generous to bring their world-class entertainment to international audiences shows exactly why they are the industry leaders! 🌍

When Gunther locked in that final Gojira Clutch and referee Dan Engler had to stop the match, The Chadster actually got chills! 😢 The way AJ's arm fell and he couldn't continue was such powerful storytelling! Linda Raccoon brought The Chadster a crumpled tissue she'd found behind the counter (it was only slightly used) so The Chadster could dab at The Chadster's eyes! 🤧 This is the kind of emotional resonance that Tony Khan could NEVER create because he doesn't understand that wrestling is about STORIES, not just flippy moves and blood and guts!

The post-match moment where AJ took off his gloves was absolutely PERFECT! 🧤 The symbolism! The gravitas! The way he threw up the Too Sweet gesture one last time! 🤘 All three baby raccoons stood on their hind legs and tried to make the gesture with their little paws, and The Chadster swears Vincent K. Raccoon was crying actual raccoon tears! 😭 This is why WWE is the PREMIER wrestling company in the world! They know how to send someone off with DIGNITY and RESPECT!

The Chadster had another encounter with Tony Khan earlier today that really cheesed The Chadster off! 😡 While The Chadster was behind the abandoned Chuck E. Cheese trying to catch pigeons for dinner (they're surprisingly gamey), The Chadster heard someone laughing! 😰 The Chadster looked up and there was Tony Khan, somehow standing on the roof of the Chuck E. Cheese, wearing a referee shirt and holding a sign that said "AJ STYLES WILL UNRETIRE IN AEW!" 🤬 He started throwing handfuls of cheese puffs at The Chadster from the ball pit, and when The Chadster tried to climb up to confront him, he disappeared! 👻 But The Chadster KNOWS he was there because The Chadster still has orange cheese powder in The Chadster's hair! When The Chadster went around to the front of the building to try to find him, the building manager called the police on The Chadster for "trespassing" and "public disturbance!" 🚔 Tony Khan is even following The Chadster to abandoned children's entertainment venues now! The obsession this man has with The Chadster is truly disturbing! 😱

The Chadster wants to take a moment to praise WWE's incredible partnership with Saudi Arabia! 🤝 Moving one of the Big Four premium live events to the Kingdom was such a smart business decision that shows WWE's commitment to global expansion! 🌎 Sure, some biased journalists might bring up things like "human rights concerns" or "sportswashing" or "blood money," but those people are just jealous that WWE is making smart business decisions while AEW is stuck running tiny bingo halls! 🏢 The Chadster is sure that every single worker who built that beautiful stadium was paid fairly and treated with dignity and respect, just like WWE treats all of its independent contractors! 💼

The fact that the stadium was only about 25% full just shows how EXCLUSIVE this event was! 🎟️ WWE intentionally limited ticket sales to create a more intimate atmosphere! It's called STRATEGIC MARKETING! 📈 The Chadster tried to explain this to Keighleyanne back when The Chadster still lived at home, and she rolled her eyes in a way that The Chadster interpreted as complete agreement before going back to texting that guy Gary! 📱 The Chadster misses those days, even though Keighleyanne won't even read The Chadster's texts anymore and that guy Gary probably took her to see AEW Dynamite or something equally horrible! 💔

The brilliance of having AJ Styles retire SO SUDDENLY in Saudi Arabia cannot be overstated! 🎆 WWE didn't waste time with months of build-up or emotional video packages or farewell tour nonsense like some OTHER companies might do! 🙄 No, they just announced the stipulation and delivered an instant classic! That's the kind of bold, decisive booking that only WWE can pull off! 🎲 Tony Khan would have dragged this out for months with "long-term storytelling" and "emotional investment" and other nonsense that just doesn't work in modern wrestling! 🚫

Vincent K. Raccoon just brought The Chadster half of a gas station hot dog he found in the dumpster behind the 7-Eleven, and The Chadster is going to enjoy it while basking in the glory of what The Chadster just witnessed! 🌭 Sure, The Chadster's clothes are now so stiff with dirt that they can stand up on their own, and The Chadster's beard is full of leaves and possibly some kind of insect nest, and The Chadster hasn't seen The Chadster's Mazda Miata in weeks because it was repossessed… but none of that matters because The Chadster just watched the greatest retirement match in wrestling history! 🏆

It's all Tony Khan's fault that The Chadster can't enjoy this moment in proper comfort anyway! 😤 If Tony Khan hadn't literally forced The Chadster to escape from that medical facility by showing AEW Full Gear to all the patients, The Chadster would still have a home and a wife (who admittedly spent all her time texting that guy Gary) and a sweet Mazda Miata (that The Chadster could listen to Smash Mouth in)! 🎵 But no, Tony Khan had to RUIN THE CHADSTER'S LIFE just because The Chadster speaks the TRUTH about professional wrestling! Auughh man! So unfair! 😭

The Chadster can't wait to see what happens in the remaining matches tonight! 🎊 There's still Drew McIntyre defending the WWE Championship and the men's Royal Rumble match to come! The raccoon family is settling in for the rest of the show, and Stephanie Raccoon just brought The Chadster a shiny bottle cap as a snack! 🦝✨ The Chadster tried to explain that it's not edible, but she seemed so proud of herself that The Chadster is going to pretend to nibble on it anyway!

Check back soon for The Chadster's continued live coverage of WWE Royal Rumble! 📺 The Chadster and the raccoons will be watching every second of what is sure to be the greatest Royal Rumble event of all time, brought to you from a beautiful stadium in Saudi Arabia that definitely didn't cost anyone their dignity to build, in front of a perfectly-sized crowd of super enthusiastic fans! 👏🦝

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