Posted in: Sports, TV, WWE | Tagged: goldberg, wrestling, wwe

Goldberg Too Busy Pooping to Worry About Haters

Greetings, comrades! It is I, your El Presidente, reporting to you live from Tampa, Florida. Is El Presidente going to make a surprise appearance in the Royal Rumble? You never know, comrades. Haw haw haw haw! But I'm not here to talk about defeating twenty-nine WWE Superstars to get a shot at main-eventing WrestleMania, my friends, even though I most certainly could do it if I wanted to. No, comrades, I am here to talk a man whose undefeated streak in the wrestling ring mirrored my own undefeated streak in winning elections in my socialist dictatorship: Bill Goldberg.

Goldberg was interviewed by Ryan Satin, a man who is paid to kiss WWE's ass, on Fox Sports. Let that serve as a reminder to my colleague, Chad McMahon: no one is going to buy the cow if they can get the milk for free, my friend. You are supposed to wait until you get a job working for WWE or one of their partners before you become a total shill and sellout, comrade. Like Ryan Satin. Sure, he has completely abandoned all dignity for a WWE job, but you have to have dignity to abandon in the first place. You can't just jump right to the endgame.

Anyway, Satin interviewed Goldberg, and he was sure to ask about all the haters out there who complain about Goldie — I call him Goldie because we go way back, comrades — coming in and beating champions and younger stars even though he's an old man who poops dozens of times a day and can't wrestle for longer than 30 seconds. Well, Satin didn't put it like that because, you know, he's a shill, but it's basically what he meant. Goldberg responded:

They can complain all they want. I was brought in for a reason. I'm a relief pitcher.

I'd like to think that I'm the top-echelon relief pitcher, and if they didn't think there was value in bringing in that relief pitcher to close out the game, then they wouldn't call me.

I don't make the decisions. I just follow orders, and I go out and do my job. And I try to do my job to the best of my ability. And though it may be far removed from when I was at my prime, I can still kick 98.9% of their asses. And if they don't think that, then that's why I'm back.

If they don't think that, then walk up to me and ask me. Ask me, "Do you think I'm ready?" Well, I'll show you, and I'll find out if you're ready. And Drew McIntyre is the first one of that next generation.

Showing the kind of persistence he's only known to develop if a favorite porn star is doing grocery shopping near his house, comrades, Satin continued to press the issue, wondering whether Goldberg desires to prove naysayers wrong. Goldberg responded:

You know, you wouldn't be human if you didn't want to prove every single person who said one thing negative about you wrong, but I'm not driven by that 5%

My life is not dictated, my daily mood is not dictated by those people. So in all honesty, they wouldn't be around if they didn't have a computer to block them and what they say and how I react. So in all honesty, I couldn't really care less about 'em. I really don't care.

They make no difference to me whatsoever. I'm out there to provide entertainment to the best of my ability, and the one thing that you can always get from me is that I'm going to do my damndest to provide that.

So Goldberg isn't bothered by the haters, at least according to Goldberg. But then again, he does have more important things to worry about, like beating Drew McIntyre and overcoming his struggle with an overactive colon. Since making his return to the wrestling ring, Goldberg has said he poops twenty times a day, saying in 2017, "I am nothing but a machine now. I get up in the morning. I eat. I train. I eat. I go to the bathroom about 20 times intermittently throughout the day because I'm shoving 15 to 20,000 calories in my body and it doesn't know what's going on. At 50 years old, it has no idea." Four years later, and Goldberg's body is still holding up, though the same probably cannot be said about his toilet, comrades. Haw haw haw haw!

Goldberg will challenge Drew McIntyre at the Royal Rumble this Sunday, January 31st. It is almost certain to be a terrible match that lasts 30 seconds, but Ryan Satin will probably praise it on Twitter, comrades. Until next time: socialism or death.

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