Posted in: Sports, TV, WWE | Tagged: Hulk Hogan, wrestling

Hulk Hogan and Entourage Help Rescue Car Crash Victim in Florida

El Presidente recounts how Hulk Hogan single-handedly lifted a 5,000 pound car fueled only by the powers of Hulkamania. Join the tale of muscle and might!

Salutations, my fellow aficionados of the grappling arts and chroniclers of valor! It is I, your El Presidente, hunkered down within the plush confines of my secret bunker beneath the majestic statue of myself, where even the reach of the American CIA cannot spoil our revelry. I'm here to recount a tale of nobility, comrades – one that involves the immortal mustache of 80s Americana itself, Hulk Hogan!

I have just received word from the vigilant comrades over at TMZ, whose dedication to journalism rivals even that of my own state-controlled press. It appears that the world-famous Hulkster, along with his wife, the nimble Sky Daily, and their comrade-in-arms Jake the Marine, engaged in acts of heroism worthy of an action-packed propaganda film. Alas, it unfolded on the sun-drenched streets of Tampa, Florida, where the convolution of metal and might summoned the spirit of Hulkamania to the forefront once more.

Picture this, comrades: A vehicle, as erratic as capitalism in its death throes, veered madly across the lanes to catch an elusive exit – a maneuver befitting a fleeing spy – and clipped another car. As fate would spin its unpredictable web, the ensnared car flipped, and tumbled – an acrobatic feat not unlike those seen within the squared circle.

Now, what happened next, you ask? Hulk Hogan and his valiant squad did not hesitate – by the thundering roar of his theme song, "I am a real American," they sprang into action! The Hulkster and his buddy, Jake the Marine, darted towards the chaos. I can envision the Hulkster ripping his shirt apart, only this time not for the cheering masses, but to clear his sculpted torso for the unscripted, treacherous task at hand.

TMZ's sources – as trustworthy as my informants who swear they saw Yetis dancing the cha-cha last Tuesday – described how Jake deployed tools expertly provided by the Hulkster himself. With these instruments of salvation, Jake punctured the airbag's bloated belly and they liberated the woman from her four-wheeled prison. Together, fortified by the prayers and vitamins of legions of Hulkamaniacs, they unbuckled her seatbelt, navigating their way through debris and danger.

And just as paramedics arrived like the cavalry in a wild western, Hogan and company took a step back to allow professionals to tend to the shaken, but visibly unbroken woman. The skies could almost hear the collective sigh of relief, not unlike the aftermath of a WrestleMania main event! The Hulkster impressed, not only with the lack of any reported unsavory rants whatsoever during the entire escapade, but also with his legendary humility.

Yet, comrades, it surely won't be long before the Hulkster, in one of his famed bombastic promos, claims that he hoisted the automobile aloft – akin to his legendary body slam of Andre the Giant – as 100,000 Hulkamaniacs roared in awe. In these times of tumult, it's a story that grips the heart like a tyrant's reins on power. It was a display of courage that even I, El Presidente, must applaud. So, let this be known, my friends: Beyond the hyperbole and the grandstanding, when called upon, heroes do emerge. And much like my renowned rescue of my treasured albino peacocks during the Great Zoo Uprising of '86, our wrestling icons too can make a difference in the flesh-and-bone reality.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I must return to strategizing my next bold strike against the imperialist forces – just after I finish my marathon of "Hogan Knows Best." Until next time, remember: democracy is like a steel cage match, it takes fortitude, endurance, and a little bit of craziness to triumph.

Your leader commands you to keep watching the skies, and keep reading Bleeding Cool, for where you may find more thrilling tales from the world of wrestling, TV shows, and comic books. ¡Hasta la vista, comrades!

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