I'm Jude Terror and this is The Shovel: Impact Wrestling edition, wherein I watch Impact Wrestling so you don't have to. And you don't. Seriously, practically nobody watches this show anymore. It doesn't even chart in the top 150 shows in the ratings. And that's too bad because Impact is really good. Sometimes it's the best show of the week. But what would you know? You're not even watching?! You ought to be ashamed of yourself.
Impact Wrestling Recap for December 1st, 2020 Part 1
Impact starts with a graphic in memory of Bob Ryder. Somewhere in heaven, Chris Hyatte is currently publishing his heavenly ICQ number. Fuck 2020. Then we get the "last week on Impact" video and the opening theme. Whoa-oh. Whoa-oh. We own the night.
The Motor City Machine Guns come to the ring. Alex Shelley is all healed up, one of the benefits of taping so many episodes of television at once when you finally get to the next set of tapings. XXXL comes out next. Beating them is phase one of the MGMGs' comeback plan. Can they pull it off?
They have a match. Acey Romero takes what must be the gentlest bump through the ropes to the floor I've ever seen a 400-pound man take. On commentary, Madison Rayne (back replacing Matt Striker, thank goodness), suggests that Larry D should possibly not be out here wrestling right now considering he was implicated in the shooting of John E. Bravo, which is a good point. Anyway, the match is classic little guys vs. big guys stuff and Motor City Machine Guns get the pin on Larry D off a neckbreaker/top rope splash combo.
Motor City Machine Guns defeat XXXL via pinfall
Now that the Machine Guns have gotten revenge for XXXL injuring Alex Shelley, they can move on to getting revenge on The North and then finally going after the Good Brothers. Josh Matthews and Madison Rayne run through tonight's card and talk about the fake bloody beating of Eddie Edwards last week. Speaking of which, the perpetrators, Sami Callihan and Old Man Shamrock attempt to enter the building but they're blocked by Scott D'Amore, who suspends Shamrock for 30 days. Old Man Shamrock threatens to beat up all the security guards, but Sami talks him into going to Bermuda instead. Shamrock says he'll feel someone up when he comes back. Sami goes inside. Wait, why is Sami not suspended?
Impact takes a commercial break and thank goodness for Melissa Santos on Twitch, who explains the reason OMS was suspended while Sami wasn't is because OMS hit an Impact official. Oh, okay, so beating someone (fake) bloody with a baseball bat, that part is fine. Got it.
After the break, John E. Bravo yells at Larry D for shooting him. Larry jacks him up by his neck. Tommy Dreamer chases Bravo off and threatens to arrest him. LArry asks Tommy what authority he has. Tommy shows him a badge, or a badge holder. There's no badge. Tommy says sure, he wasn't a real judge or prosecutor or cop, but he does know Larry D shot John E. Bravo. Larry claims he was set up. Tommy wants Larry to come downtown with him. Larry acts like he agrees, but then he slaps Tommy in the face. "Take that downtown, Tommy Dreamer." John E. Bravo returns, sees Tommy, drops to his knees, and shouts "Noooooooooooo!" It's ridiculous, and I love it.
Renee Michelle comes to the ring, followed by Killer Kelly. Then Jordynne Grace comes out with Jazz. It's unfortunate that Killer Kelly jobbed out last week and now is definitely going to job out again. But it's nice to see Jazz. They have a match. A surprisingly competitive one considering Grace is an Impact main eventer and Jazz is a legend. Kelly and Grace spend the most time in the match hitting stiff shots on each other. I'd enjoy a long term feud between those two. BUt the match ends with Jazz pinning Renee Michelle after an X-Factor.
Jordynne Grace and Jazz defeat Killer Kelly and Renee Michelle via pinfall
I'm down for the Grace and Jazz teamup for a while, but ultimately I think Tasha Steelz and Kiera Hogan deservedly walk out of this tournament with the belts when all is said and done. We see Young Bucks vs. Motor City Machine Guns for the Impact Plus Flashback Moment of the Week. OH MY GOD! It's an AEW crossover! I had completely forgotten that the Bucks wrestled as "Max and Jeremy Buck" under the team name "Generation Me" in TNA. I hated them back then. Thought they were Hardy Boyz ripoffs. Everyone here looks so young.
After that, Ethan Page cuts a promo about losing to Swoggle last week. He feels everyone is against him and messing with him. Page says he has a plan to get back at Karl Anderson. He admits to taking out Doc Gallows and says Anderson can get revenge by fighting Page one-on-one at Final Resolution, and if he wins, The North get a shot at the titles. Josh Alexander looks embarrassed by all of this. Impact takes a commercial break.
During the break, on Twitch, we get Impact Plus Greatest Ultimate X moments from Homecoming 2019, with Rich Swann winning the belt. The crowd sounds really good here. Impact should go back to The Asylum more often.
Backstage, Kaleb with a K and Tenille Dashwood try to talk to Alisha Edwards, but she's focused on something else. That something turns out to be stalking Sami Callihan as she jumps on his back and screams like a lunatic (but doesn't do much damage).
Johnny Swinger comes to the ring, which means this night is about to get good. Ugh, The Denaers come to the ring, immediately killing my mood. Swinger has a match with one of the Deaners, but it doesn't last long because Eric Young and Joe Doering come out to beat the shit out of The Deaners. My heroes!
Swinger cheers them on and wants a high-five from Doering, which gets him chokeslammed. Young grabs a mic. "This will continue. This will go on until your eyes are open. I see clear. Joe sees clear. We are the cure. The sickness is everywhere. The disease has taken over. But we will win. We will prevail. The quicker that you learn to heed my warnings, listen to my words, look into my eyes, and know that I am telling you the truth. This world doesn't belong to you. It belongs to us. I told you! This world doesn't belong to you! It belongs to us! It belongs to us! It belongs to us."
Eric Young has an old school way of cutting a promo and I appreciate it. Deonna Purrazzo and Kimber Lee speak to James Mitchell backstage. They want to know if he's turned Su Yung into Susie for them yet. Mitchell says it's complicated and he needs Su to do it. Purazzo says they'll take care of that by heading to the ring.
It's the top of the hour and trust me, you don't want to know what I get paid for writing one of these things. But it would be half that if I didn't split it into two articles, so click down below and I'll see you in part wo!
This post is part of a multi-part series: The Shovel: Impact Wrestling Edition for December 1st, 2020.
- Impact Wrestling Recap – The Heroism of Eric Young
- Impact Wrestling Recap – How Willie Mack Got His Groove Back