Posted in: AEW, Sports, TV | Tagged: AEW Dynamite, recaps, wrestling

AEW Dynamite Review: MJF Buys Team, Loses Soul, But Wins Main Event

El Presidente reviews AEW Dynamite from his luxury bunker! MJF buys loyalty, Omega returns, and capitalist pigs run wild in Sugar Land, Texas!

Greetings, comrades! It is I, your El Presidente, reporting to you live from my luxurious viewing bunker beneath the Smart Financial Centre in Sugar Land, Texas, where Esteban and I have just finished watching AEW Dynamite while feasting on confiscated capitalist snacks! What a glorious evening of wrestling we witnessed, comrades! Last night's episode of AEW Dynamite delivered more drama than the time I had to mediate a dispute between Fidel Castro and Kim Jong-il over who had the better missile parade choreography at my annual dictators' summit in 2007! Dennis Rodman was there too, teaching us the perfect triple-threat basketball diplomacy.

MJF and Don Callis Reveal Team MJF for Forbidden Door

The show opened with MJF, that sniveling capitalist pig, parading around with Don Callis and announcing his mercenary team for the steel cage match at AEW x NJPW Forbidden Door. Team MJF will consist of MJF himself, Kevin Knight, Kyle Fletcher, Doyle, Kazuchika Okada, and Andrade El Ídolo. Comrades, this is exactly how the CIA operates – buying loyalty with promises and briefcases full of money! I watched Andrade's face when he was announced, and he had the same expression I saw on Manuel Noriega's face when I told him the "investment opportunity" in my offshore casino was actually just a money laundering scheme for my capybara breeding operation. The reluctance was palpable! MJF is assembling a team held together not by revolutionary spirit but by the corrupting influence of capital, and as I learned when my own cabinet tried to overthrow me in 1992, bought loyalty is no loyalty at all!

Kenny Omega vs. Tony Nese

Kenny Omega made his return to AEW Dynamite and absolutely destroyed Tony Nese with the efficiency of a well-planned revolutionary coup! The snap dragon suplexes, the V-Trigger, the One Winged Angel – it was beautiful, comrades! This reminds me of the time I watched Vladimir Putin defeat Steven Seagal in an arm-wrestling contest aboard my yacht in the Black Sea. After the match, Zack Sabre Jr. and TMDK appeared, followed by The Elite backing up Omega. The confrontation between Omega and Sabre was intense, with Omega representing the proud history of AEW and NJPW while Sabre brings his technical submission mastery. This is the kind of worker solidarity we need, comrades – except Omega should be organizing a union instead of just talking about legacy!

Brodido vs. Jon Moxley & Daniel Garcia

Speaking of worker solidarity, Brodido – the glorious tag team of Bandido and Brody King – defeated the Death Riders' Jon Moxley and Daniel Garcia on AEW Dynamite! Comrades, Bandido hit Garcia with the 21-Plex, which is exactly 21 more suplexes than the CIA used on me during their failed "enhanced interrogation" attempt in 1989! Marina Shafir tried to interfere, but Bandido suplexed her too, proving that gender equality means everyone gets suplexed equally in the revolution! The Death Riders have been running roughshod over AEW Dynamite like a military junta, so seeing them suffer defeat was as satisfying as the time I successfully redirected a CIA drone strike to hit their own surveillance post instead of my presidential palace!

PROTOKADA Attack Tomohiro Ishii

Backstage on AEW Dynamite, Fletcher and Okada revealed they are now on Team MJF and plan to bring the AEW International Championship back to the Don Callis Family. The camera then showed Tomohiro Ishii laid out on the floor like a victim of capitalist oppression! This cowardly attack is exactly the kind of tactic the bourgeoisie uses when they cannot defeat the working class in fair combat, comrades! I once told this to Saddam Hussein during our infamous game of Risk in 2002, where he kept launching surprise attacks on my territories in South America while David Hasselhoff sang "Don't Hassel the Hoff" in the background.

Tommaso Ciampa Addresses Chris Jericho

Tommaso Ciampa delivered a passionate promo on AEW Dynamite declaring that while he once respected Chris Jericho, he now hates the current version of him. Comrades, this is the proper revolutionary response to seeing a once-proud worker become corrupted by fame and ego! Ciampa said if Jericho still thinks he has what it takes, Ciampa is ready to face him. This reminds me of my own falling out with Hugo Chávez after he started appearing on too many talk shows and forgot about the common capybara herders who supported him from the beginning!

Cope and Christian Cage Confront The Dogs

The most clever moment of AEW Dynamite came when The Dogs tried their usual entrance of attacking production staff, but the production staffer turned out to be Adam Copeland, and Christian Cage appeared behind Clark Connors and David Finlay! Comrades, this was a perfect ambush that would make any guerrilla warfare tactician proud! I used this exact strategy when the CIA tried to infiltrate my birthday party disguised as mariachi musicians in 1995 – I had my own agents dressed as waiters ready to strike! Cope and Cage attacked The Dogs and brought the fight to ringside, with Christian insulting them magnificently. Cope warned that while The Dogs reminded him of himself and Christian from 30 years ago, they would teach them a lesson at Forbidden Door. This is what we call "revolutionary education," comrades!

Mercedes Moné vs. Hazuki

The Owen Hart Foundation Women's Tournament semifinal on AEW Dynamite featured Mercedes Moné defeating Hazuki by submission with the Statement Maker. Comrades, Hazuki fought valiantly with the spirit of the proletariat, attacking with repeated dives, crossfaces, a senton, a brainbuster, and multiple pin attempts! But Moné, like the relentless capitalist machine she represents, survived everything and targeted Hazuki's arm before transitioning into the submission. This was Hazuki's third loss to Moné, proving that sometimes the bourgeoisie just has your number, comrades. I experienced this myself when the CIA successfully poisoned my breakfast cereal three times in a row in 1998 before I finally switched to eating only foods taste-tested by Esteban first!

Will Ospreay and Swerve Strickland Face-to-Face

The confrontation between Will Ospreay and Swerve Strickland on AEW Dynamite was more intense than my negotiations with Muammar Gaddafi over who deserved the last bottle of 1947 Château d'Yquem at Bashar al-Assad's dinner party in 2010! Tony Schiavone moderated as Ospreay discussed choosing his chase for the AEW World Championship over immediately taking a honeymoon – a decision that would make any dedicated revolutionary proud, though perhaps not his new wife! Swerve questioned Ospreay's recent association with the Death Riders and said Ospreay had changed. This psychological warfare was exquisite, comrades! Swerve reminded Ospreay that Ospreay has never beaten him, which is the kind of mental domination I once watched Pol Pot use in a heated Scrabble match against Idi Amin.

The tension on AEW Dynamite escalated when Ospreay moved toward a fight after Swerve referenced his neck injury. Swerve grabbed his chain, but then the Death Riders appeared around the ring, backing up Ospreay. Swerve backed away while telling Ospreay he had changed, and comrades, he is not wrong! Ospreay is falling into the same trap that catches many revolutionaries – aligning with authoritarian forces in the pursuit of power! I warned Nicolas Maduro about this very thing during our salsa dancing competition in Caracas!

Team MJF vs. Team Briscoe

The main event of AEW Dynamite featured the spectacular 12-man tag team match between Team MJF and Team Briscoe, and what a battle it was, comrades! Mark Briscoe assembled a true workers' coalition with Orange Cassidy, Kyle O'Reilly, Roderick Strong, Konosuke Takeshita, and Darby Allin to face MJF's mercenary squad. The stipulation stated that if either team was disqualified, they would lose a member from the Forbidden Door steel cage match with no replacement – a clever capitalist trick by Tony Khan to maintain order!

The action throughout this AEW Dynamite main event was chaotic and glorious! MJF avoided starting the match with Briscoe like a coward avoiding the people's justice, tagging in Andrade instead. Andrade showed hesitation throughout, confirming my suspicions that his heart is not truly with Team MJF! Cassidy and The Conglomeration worked together beautifully against the Don Callis Family, demonstrating proper collective action! Meanwhile, Allin chased Knight around the venue with the determination of a revolutionary hunting down a CIA operative, until Doyle threw Allin off the stage area into a ring post – a brutal reminder that the bourgeoisie will always resort to violence to protect their interests!

The finish of this AEW Dynamite main event saw Briscoe hit MJF with the Jay Driller, but Callis distracted the referee before the count – classic capitalist corruption of the referee class! MJF then submitted Strong with Salt of the Earth, proving once again that money and manipulation triumph over honest hard work in the capitalist system. After the match, Team MJF beat down Briscoe, with MJF demanding Andrade help continue the attack. Andrade hesitated like a worker questioning his bourgeois masters, but eventually lifted Briscoe up, allowing MJF to hit him with the Dynamite Diamond Ring. This betrayal cut deeper than the time Robert Mugabe stole my secret recipe for revolutionary empanadas and sold it to Papa John himself!

Comrades, last night's AEW Dynamite set the stage beautifully for AEW x NJPW Forbidden Door, with alliances forming and breaking like the constantly shifting geopolitical landscape I navigate daily! From my luxury bunker, with Esteban now wearing a tiny Mark Briscoe headband I commissioned from a local artisan, I give this episode of AEW Dynamite four out of five revolutionary stars!

The workers of AEW Dynamite continue to provide excellent entertainment for the masses, even as they labor under the oppressive capitalist system of Tony Khan! Perhaps one day they will seize the means of production and run AEW Dynamite as a workers' collective, with all decisions made democratically and all merchandise profits distributed equally!

Until next week's AEW Dynamite, comrades, remember: solidarity forever, and never trust a man with a briefcase full of money!

¡Viva la revolución! ¡Viva AEW Dynamite!

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