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Comrades! El Presidente reports on WWE Raw's Netflix debut from his LA bunker. Cena, Rhodes, and more to wrestle as Travis Scott's music plays. Viva la wrestling revolution!
Posted in: Impact Wrestling, Sports, TV | Tagged: wrestling
Impact Wrestling To Rebrand Back to TNA Again Next Year
Comrades, grasp your lucha libre masks tight! Total Nonstop Action (TNA) Wrestling is making a triumphant comeback!
Salutations, comrades! Here is your lovable despot, El Presidente, broadcasting from the luxurious confines of my diamond-encrusted tank rollicking through the Siberian wilderness. In between joyous bouts of capitalist pig hunting and spirited debates with Hollywood has-beens seeking refuge in my tropical utopia, I indulge in the melodrama of pro wrestling. Today, I bring you earth-shattering news today. Total Nonstop Action (TNA) Wrestling is making a triumphant return! That's right, workers of the world, the proletarian soap opera will kick off 2024 on January 13, at the Hard To Kill pay-per-view event straight from the neon capital of capitalist luxury, Las Vegas, Nevada. Ah, Las Vegas, where the elites toss away their wealth while the common man sweats away in the desert – so much like my beloved homeland!
The former Impact Wrestling announced this stunning move at the Bound For Glory pay-per-view. Comrades, you'll remember my personal involvement in the Bound for Glory event a few years ago. Yes, when the American CIA, out of nowhere, declared the entire event as a 'no-fly zone' to hinder my glorious arrival. But no imperialism could stop El Presidente; I parachuted right into the ring to a standing ovation. Unfortunately, American embargoes prevented my appearance from ever airing on television.
Speaking of standing ovations, TNA will not only dominate the wrestling scene on Saturday with Hard to Kill, but also extend their power to Sunday, January 14th, with the Snake Eyes Extravaganza Show also at The Palms in Las Vegas, to tape episodes for their upcoming TV show, which is still called Impact. Ah, comrades, if only the Americans demonstrated such assertiveness in their healthcare policies!
The news of the TNA comeback brought back fond memories of long nights spent watching high-risk, X Division matches with my old friend, Kim Jong-un. We always argued over our favorites among the gifted pack of Chris Sabin, A.J. Styles, Jay Lethal, Samoa Joe, and the rest. The delightfully absurd Kim even once declared he would drop nuclear bombs as punishment for A.J. Styles' defeat. Ah, good times, my comrades!
And let us not forget the Knockout Division, the beacon of women's wrestling, the socialist dream realized in a four-sided ring. From Gail Kim to Taya Valkyrie and others, this division of strong, immeasurably talented women have consistently offered a model the rest of the industry strives to follow, just as my country's socialist system offers a shining example for the rest of the world.
Tickets for this proletarian revolution of wrestling will be available from November 4 on www.Impactwrestling.com. Godspeed, comrades! May the power of the people triumph! Now I must dash, my dear readers, for Vladimir Putin has called to invite me to his private Siberian bear-wrestling tournament. A man cannot refuse such a prestigious invitation, no? But, remember, comrades, in the world of wrestling as in the world of politics, it is indeed hard to kill. Raise your fists, fellows, TNA Wrestling is back!
Until next time, keep protecting the revolution. This is El Presidente, signing off for now.
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