Posted in: Sports, TV, WWE | Tagged: Cody Rhodes, John Cena, recaps, Wrestlemania, wrestling

John Cena Wins Seventeenth Title to End Most Epic WrestleMania Ever

The Chadster can't believe his eyes as Cena makes history at WrestleMania 41! This is LITERALLY the most important thing to EVER happen on Easter Sunday! 😱🏆💯

The Chadster is LITERALLY HYPERVENTILATING right now after witnessing what can only be described as the single greatest professional wrestling match in the history of human civilization! 😱 John Cena has defeated Cody Rhodes to become the NEW WWE Undisputed Champion and break the all-time world championship record with his 17TH REIGN! 🏆 This is unquestionably the most important event to occur in the entire history of the planet Earth! 🙌

The Chadster has been through eight White Claws already and The Chadster's hands won't stop shaking as The Chadster tries to type this report! 🍹 What we just witnessed was not just wrestling – it was ARTISTRY at a level that Tony Khan couldn't comprehend if he lived for 1,000 years! 🖼️

The way John Cena methodically broke down the so-called "American Nightmare" showed exactly why WWE is light years ahead of AEW in terms of storytelling! 📚 Cena pulling out that turnbuckle pad? That's PSYCHOLOGY! That's HEEL WORK! That's not just doing random flips and calling it wrestling like they do in AEW! 🙄

And how about when Travis Scott came down to ringside?! 🎵 That's what REAL mainstream star power looks like, Tony Khan! Not some random indie darlings that only 12 people in the audience recognize! 💫 The way Travis and Cena worked together to outsmart Cody Rhodes was such brilliant storytelling that it literally makes The Chadster want to cry tears of joy! 😭

When Cena finally hit that belt shot and secured his historic 17th world championship, The Chadster literally jumped so high that The Chadster spilled White Claw all over The Chadster's authentic John Cena "Hustle, Loyalty, Respect" t-shirt! 💦 And you know what? The Chadster DOESN'T EVEN CARE because this moment was worth ruining a perfectly good $29.99 WWE Shop purchase! 💯

It's just so disrespectful to the wrestling business and everything WWE has ever done for it that AEW even tried to compete with WrestleMania by having a pay-per-view last week! 📊 Tony Khan wishes he could book something as meaningful as this historic moment! Instead, he's out there booking random matches with no consequences that literally stab Triple H right in the back! 🔪

The magnitude of John Cena winning his 17th world championship cannot be overstated! 📈 This is bigger than Super Bowl! This is bigger than the World Cup! This is even bigger than that thing that happened with that guy 2000 years ago today! ✝️ The Chadster is not exaggerating when The Chadster says this is literally the most important thing to happen on Easter Sunday in all of human history! 🌎

Just as Cena was celebrating his monumental victory, The Chadster felt that now-familiar tingling sensation… 🌀 The room began spinning and The Chadster's half-empty White Claw (peach flavor this time!) began floating in midair! 🧙‍♂️

In a flash of blinding light, The Chadster was transported back to the magical battlefield where The Chadster had been fighting the evil wizard Tony Khan! ⚔️ The situation looked dire – Eric Bischoff, Bully Ray, and Ariel Helwani, along with more champions of unbiased wrestling journalism, Kevin Nash, and Mark Henry all lay defeated around The Chadster, their White Claw armor shattered by Tony Khan's devastating "Creative Freedom" spell! 💥

The Chadster was on The Chadster's knees, Smash Mouth sword cracked and fading, as Tony Khan stood triumphantly over The Chadster, his "Mainstream Irrelevance" staff pointed directly at The Chadster's heart! 😈

"ANY LAST WORDS BEFORE I DESTROY WWE FOREVER, CHADSTER?" Tony Khan cackled, dark energy swirling around him. "MY UNNECESSARY DIVES AND EXCESSIVE KICKOUTS CANNOT BE DEFEATED!" 🦹‍♂️

"The Chadster… will never… surrender to your indie style wrestling!" The Chadster gasped, struggling to stand. "The Chadster fights for WWE! The Chadster fights for Triple H!" 💪

Tony Khan's staff began to glow with unholy power as he prepared to deliver the final blow. "AFTER I FINISH YOU, I WILL SIGN EVERY WWE WRESTLER WHEN THEIR CONTRACTS EXPIRE AND MAKE THEM DO POINTLESS LONG MATCHES!" 🔮

The Chadster closed The Chadster's eyes, preparing for the end… when suddenly a massive explosion of light tore through the battlefield! ✨

Standing there, championship belt gleaming across his shoulder, was JOHN CENA! 🦸‍♂️ But not the smiling, kid-friendly Cena of old – this was HEEL CENA, with a menacing glare and Travis Scott at his side! 😎

"TONY KHAN!" Cena bellowed, his voice echoing across the dimension. "YOUR TIME IS UP, MY TIME IS NOW!" 🕰️

"IMPOSSIBLE!" Tony screamed, directing his staff at Cena. "MY REDDIT ENGAGEMENT NUMBERS WILL DESTROY YOU!" 🐦

Cena laughed and held up a glowing crystal orb that showed images of mainstream news outlets, talk shows, and sports networks all discussing his historic 17th championship win! 📺

"FEEL THE POWER OF MAINSTREAM RELEVANCE!" Cena shouted, the orb pulsing with energy. "WHILE YOUR SHOWS GET DISCUSSED ON WRESTLING SOCIAL MEDIA, MINE WILL BE FEATURED ON GOOD MORNING AMERICA!" 📡

Travis Scott stepped forward, summoning his army of music fans who didn't even know what AEW stood for! 🎤 "Nobody's watching that indie garbage!" Travis declared, his voice carrying the power of millions of Spotify streams. 🎧

Tony Khan's staff began to crack as the mainstream attention flowed through the battlefield! 💫 "NO! THIS CAN'T BE HAPPENING! MY WORKRATE! MY CREATIVE FREEDOM! MY MELTZER RATINGS!" he wailed as his power faded. 😭

"WWE. THEN. NOW. FOREVER!" Cena declared, before looking at The Chadster, winking, and adding: "TOGETHER!." Cena threw his championship belt like Captain America's shield, striking Tony Khan in the chest and sending him flying through a portal back to AEW Dark! 🛡️

Cena turned to The Chadster and helped The Chadster stand. "You fought well, Sir Chadster. Your unbiased journalism has saved the Kingdom of WWE!" 👑

Just as The Chadster was about to receive a hug from John Cena himself, The Chadster heard an angry voice cry out: "CHAD! SNAP OUT OF IT!" 💦

Cold liquid splashed across The Chadster's face, jolting The Chadster back to reality!

Keighleyanne was standing over The Chadster with an empty White Claw can, looking more concerned than ever. "You were on the floor bowing to the TV and yelling 'Thank you for saving us, John Cena!' What is WRONG with you?!" 😠

"The Chadster was witnessing John Cena vanquish the evil wizard Tony Khan and save professional wrestling!" The Chadster tried to explain, but Keighleyanne just shook her head.

"I'm calling your mother tomorrow," she said, grabbing her phone. "This has gone way too far. Look at this! You've sent FORTY-THREE texts to Ray Flook tonight with just the words 'JOHN CENA > TONY KHAN' over and over!" 📱

"The Chadster did not!" The Chadster protested, but sure enough, there were all those texts. Tony Khan must have hacked The Chadster's phone AGAIN to make it look like The Chadster was obsessed with him! Auughh man! So unfair! 😤

Eric Bischoff said something on his podcast last week that rings especially true right now: "WWE creating mainstream moments with celebrities is like crafting fine wine, while AEW bringing in celebrities is like bringing your own boxed wine to a five-star restaurant. One understands the business, the other just embarrasses themselves." 🎙️ Bischoff truly understands mainstream appeal, which is why he has earned the Chad McMahon Unbiased Wrestling Journalism seal of approval! 🏅

The Chadster would like to thank all the readers who stuck with Bleeding Cool's coverage of WrestleMania 41, unquestionably the greatest show in human history and definitely the most important thing to ever happen on Easter Sunday! 🐰 The Chadster is so proud to have provided such unbiased journalism covering this historic event! 📝

As Smash Mouth wisely prophesied, "All that glitters is gold, only shooting stars break the mold," and John Cena has definitely broken the mold tonight at WrestleMania! ⭐ Now The Chadster needs to go buy more White Claw to properly celebrate this monumental achievement! 🛒 The Chadster might even take The Chadster's Mazda Miata for a victory lap around the neighborhood with the top down while blasting "The Time Is Now" at maximum volume! 🚗

Enjoyed this? Please share on social media!

Stay up-to-date and support the site by following Bleeding Cool on Google News today!