Posted in: AEW, Sports, TV | Tagged: Powerhouse Hobbs, rascalz, wrestling

Rascalz, More Sign with AEW as Powerhouse Hobbs Heads to WWE

Greetings, comrades! AEW signs the Rascalz and CMLL stars while Powerhouse Hobbs defects to WWE. Your El Presidente has all the details on this talent swap!

Greetings, comrades! It is I, your El Presidente, reporting to you live from my luxury bunker beneath the wrestling ring at the Estadio Nacional, where I am currently hiding from both the CIA and my personal trainer who insists I stop eating empanadas before my morning jog. But I come bearing news that is hotter than the time Fidel Castro challenged me to a hot sauce drinking contest while watching WrestleMania!

AEW has been very busy with the signings this week, comrades, like a dictator stockpiling weapons before the UN inspection team arrives! The capitalist dogs at All Elite Wrestling have officially announced the signing of the Rascalz, those magnificent high-flying comrades who have been making waves in TNA and NXT. This news comes at a most interesting time – just before TNA's Thursday Night Impact makes its debut on AMC. Ah, the timing! It reminds me of when I announced my new economic policy the day before my finance minister's scheduled vacation. He never did make that flight, come to think of it.

Now, comrades, if there is one thing I have learned from my various battles with the CIA, it's this: timing is everything! The Rascalz were one of TNA's biggest factions, and stealing them away just as TNA prepares to make their big network television debut on AMC is the kind of strategic move that would make Che Guevara himself nod approvingly. Of course, TNA continues to operate as what we in the dictator business call a "vassal state" to WWE – much like how my neighbor's country pretends to be independent while I control their coffee exports and spotify playlists.

But wait, comrades! Tony Khan was not finished redistributing the wrestling talent like a good socialist! He also announced the official signing of several magnificent luchadores from CMLL who have already been appearing on AEW programming. Let me show you these glorious additions to the AEW collective:

Ah, Persephone, Hechicero, and Mascara Dorada! These magnificent athletes with their dual contracts remind me of my own dual citizenship arrangement – one for when the International Criminal Court comes calling, and one for when I need to access my Swiss bank accounts. Very practical, comrades!

But alas, comrades, not all news is about glorious additions to the AEW roster. Sometimes, even the most well-intentioned socialist collective must face defections to the capitalist empire! Powerhouse Hobbs, that mountain of a man who has been smashing opponents in AEW since 2020, has reportedly decided to take his talents to WWE.

The news was first broken last night by comrade Sean Ross Sapp of Fightful Select, and later confirmed by those capitalist pigs at F4WOnline and other dirt sheets across the internet. According to the reports, Hobbs' contract with AEW has expired, and he filmed his final match for the company on Wednesday – a Trios title defense with his Opps stablemates Samoa Joe and Katsuyori Shibata that will air this Saturday on Collision.

Now, comrades, Dave Meltzer reports that WWE has been expecting to sign Hobbs for quite some time – months, in fact! This reminds me of the time I was negotiating a trade deal with North Korea while Kim Jong-un kept winking at me and making references to my vintage car collection. I knew something was up, but I played along like Tony Khan kept Hobbs on television!

According to Meltzer, AEW made Hobbs an offer to stay, but he turned it down in favor of joining the WWE empire. Tony Khan apparently liked Hobbs and the 34-year-old was professional throughout the process, which is more than I can say for my former Minister of Agriculture who tried to flee the country with my personal collection of Hulk Hogan action figures.

The fact that Khan kept Hobbs on television suggests that perhaps AEW was not certain he would be leaving until recently, even though WWE was reportedly "very confident" they had secured him for months. Ah, the art of negotiation! It's like when I assured Maduro I was definitely coming to his birthday party while simultaneously booking a flight to Cuba to watch Survivor with Raul Castro.

The question now, comrades, is whether this move will be the right one for Powerhouse Hobbs. As Meltzer wisely noted, "For some people it's the right move, and for some people it isn't." These are words of wisdom that could apply to many situations – like when my cousin asked if he should invest in cryptocurrency, or when Gaddafi asked if I thought skinny jeans were a good look for him. (For the record, I said no to both.)

WWE certainly has the resources and the platform to make Hobbs a major star, but they also have a roster more crowded than my presidential palace during the annual "Definitely Not Mandatory" loyalty celebration. Will Hobbs get lost in the shuffle like so many talented wrestlers before him, or will he rise to main event status? Only time will tell, comrades.

For AEW, losing Hobbs stings, but the addition of the Rascalz and the official signing of these incredible CMLL talents shows that Tony Khan is playing the long game. He's building an international coalition of wrestling excellence, much like how I've been building an international coalition of dictators who appreciate American reality television. We meet every Tuesday to watch The Bachelor and discuss foreign policy.

So there you have it, comrades! AEW gains the Rascalz and several magnificent luchadores, while losing Powerhouse Hobbs to the capitalist empire of WWE. It's the circle of life in professional wrestling – or as we call it in the dictator business, "inevitable regime change."

Now, if you'll excuse me, I must go. I hear helicopters overhead, and it's either the CIA finally finding my location, or just the pizza delivery guy taking a very unusual route. Either way, I should probably move to a different luxury bunker.

Until next time, comrades! Remember: always sign your contracts in disappearing ink, and never trust anyone who says they're "definitely not going to WWE."

¡Viva la lucha libre! ¡Viva la revolución! And most importantly, ¡Viva AEW… and also WWE… actually, can we just say viva wrestling in general? I don't want to pick sides in case I need to defect later!

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