Report: WWE Signs Taya Valkyrie Along with Eli Drake

Greetings, comrades! It is I, Your El Presidente, reporting to you live on this very special day, El Presidente's Day. Amigos, I cannot tell you how pleased it makes me that your country has dedicated an entire day to your El Presidente, and I didn't even have to have you all kidnapped and beaten by my secret police to make it happen. I knew it was a good idea to rig the election in favor of Joe Biden, comrades. Everything is working out, comrades! Except that whole impeachment thing. Man, I hope that doesn't come back to bite us later, comrades. Anyway, I am here today to talk to you about two recent signings to WWE: Taya Valkyrie and Eli Drake.

Taya Valkyrie says goodbye to Rosemary before leaving Impact Wrestling
Taya Valkyrie says goodbye to Rosemary before leaving Impact Wrestling

Taya Valkyrie is headed to WWE, according to a report by PWInsider. Valkyrie finished up in Impact Wrestling in January, capping off a successful run that saw her billed as the greatest Knockouts Champion of all time. Valkyrie, who has been wrestling for a decade, was signed to a developmental contract with WWE at the beginning of her career that never went anywhere. In the time since, she's become a star in AAA, Lucha Underground, and Impact. Valkyrie is expected to join the next class of Performance Center trainees, though that's more because WWE likes to feel like no one can be a star without them, since Valkyrie doesn't really need any training and, like MSK, and another recently-signed former Impact star, can be tossed right onto NXT television and add to the product.

That other former Impact star is Eli Drake, who secured a release from NWA last year. Drake, who has wrestled for NWA and Impact, also had a WWE run back in 2013. PWInsider again reported Drake's signing, though he confirmed it himself by appearing on the Kickoff show for NXT Takeover: Vengeance Day on Sunday night. Drake played a sort of radio shock jock gimmick when he was in Impact, which means that Hulk Hogan wanted to have sex with his wife while dropping the n-word, comrades. Drake debuted in NXT as a new character named LA Knight, or perhaps that's better described as the same character with a different name, one that WWE can trademark to prevent Drake from making any money off it if he ever leaves, like the petty bitches they are.

In any case, El Presidente wishes both Taya Valkyrie and Eli Drake the best of luck in WWE. They will need it, comrades. Haw haw haw haw haw! Until next time, my friends: socialism or death.

About El Presidente

After a successful fourteen-year career as a South American dictator, El Presidente faked his own death in 2013 in order to pursue his two true passions: rigging American elections for Joe Biden, and wrestling dirt sheet reporting. Since opportunities to rig the election for Joe Biden were few and far between until recently, El Presidente mostly focused on the wrestling dirt sheet reporting, where he became one of the best in the business. Unfortunately, the American CIA sabotaged his 1-900 hotline, the pinnacle of his country's wrestling news technology, and imperialist hacks like Meltzer, Johnson, Sapp, and Satin took all the credit on their stupid websites. Finally, El Presidente has found a way to break into the American market by becoming a Bleeding Cool contributor, so get ready for the spread of great wrestling news and socialism, comrades!