Greetings, comrades! It is I, your El Presidente, standing guard outside a pre-school near the United States Capitol Building in case Matt Gaetz walks past. But my friends, the reason I am writing to you today is because I have right here a hot, steaming scoop of pro wrestling dirt sheet gossip, from the mouth […]
Greetings, comrades! It is I, Your El Presidente, reporting to you live on this very special day, El Presidente's Day. Amigos, I cannot tell you how pleased it makes me that your country has dedicated an entire day to your El Presidente, and I didn't even have to have you all kidnapped and beaten by my secret police to make it happen. I knew it was a good idea to rig the election in favor of Joe Biden, comrades. Everything is working out, comrades! Except that whole impeachment thing. Man, I hope that doesn't come back to bite us later, comrades. Anyway, I am here today to talk to you about two recent signings to WWE: Taya Valkyrie and Eli Drake.
Taya Valkyrie is headed to WWE, according to a report by PWInsider. Valkyrie finished up in Impact Wrestling in January, capping off a successful run that saw her billed as the greatest Knockouts Champion of all time. Valkyrie, who has been wrestling for a decade, was signed to a developmental contract with WWE at the beginning of her career that never went anywhere. In the time since, she's become a star in AAA, Lucha Underground, and Impact. Valkyrie is expected to join the next class of Performance Center trainees, though that's more because WWE likes to feel like no one can be a star without them, since Valkyrie doesn't really need any training and, like MSK, and another recently-signed former Impact star, can be tossed right onto NXT television and add to the product.
That other former Impact star is Eli Drake, who secured a release from NWA last year. Drake, who has wrestled for NWA and Impact, also had a WWE run back in 2013. PWInsider again reported Drake's signing, though he confirmed it himself by appearing on the Kickoff show for NXT Takeover: Vengeance Day on Sunday night. Drake played a sort of radio shock jock gimmick when he was in Impact, which means that Hulk Hogan wanted to have sex with his wife while dropping the n-word, comrades. Drake debuted in NXT as a new character named LA Knight, or perhaps that's better described as the same character with a different name, one that WWE can trademark to prevent Drake from making any money off it if he ever leaves, like the petty bitches they are.
In any case, El Presidente wishes both Taya Valkyrie and Eli Drake the best of luck in WWE. They will need it, comrades. Haw haw haw haw haw! Until next time, my friends: socialism or death.