Thank you for coming, Riverdale friends, at this, our time of great despair. No, not Jughead's (Cole Sprouse) funeral…well, kind of. Naturally, the town is gutted and still reeling from the tragedy of two weeks ago.
No idea what "tragedy" I'm talking about? No, it's not Archie's (KJ Apa) hopelessly bushy eyebrows that don't match his hair, it's Jughead. This is news to you? Well, you should go get caught up, and then when you come back?
MAJOR SPOILERS AHEAD!… of course…
Okay! Now that we're all on the same page – welcome to this week's awful episode of Riverdale. I would have rage quit had it not been for my duty to you, the loyal reader, to write it up each week.
So, you've watched to the end and I bet you're either incredibly stoked or raging AF (like me). Let's chat about how they did my boy Juggy dirty…yet again.
He's not dead and this whole storyline BS was just a cheap trick to get some cardboard cutout prep school villains off his ass. Really, Riverdale? I'm pissed. Why? Because it's predictable, it's expected; it was the safe route.
I know the Sabrina crossover we hoped for would have taken a lot of network finessing, but they did it before with Supergirl / The Flash back when Kara was still trapped on Earth-CBS. It wasn't completely out of the realm of reason to think it was doable this time – especially considering the mojo executive producer (of both shows) Roberto Aguirre-Sacasa has to throw around.
Even without Sabrina, it's a show based on a comic book – which means there are roughly 4,008,007 ways to bring a character back from the dead – and yet, they found the exact wrong one for this situation.
This is the crap every teen show ever would pull (or has pulled), and it doesn't feel like it's taking a cliche and making it its own; it feels like it's playing into the trope because they've run out of ideas and they're uninspired.
What the conversation in the writers' room must've been like…
"Hey, I can't imagine how we're going to solve this season long drama of Betty vs Brett. Wait! I know! Kill Jughead!"
"There's so many places we could go with that– oh, just have him fake his death while 'The Scooby Gang' digs for clues and then they take down the preppies before heading out for milkshakes at Pop's?"
"Okay, Boss…if we must. Here's your scripts."
It's just so painfully boring and expected – you know what I miss? I miss Archie fighting a bear (Bear). I miss the mastermind behind it all being a parent, who's completely been unexpected until "The Big Reveal" because they have some secret motive nobody ever knew before right then when they reveal it in their evil "I'm going to kill you now" monologue.
Riverdale, I love you. You know I do. But please – you're better than this. You're cheesy and melodramatic and teenage fantasy fufillment, but so far you've avoided the ridiculous trite tropes and gone for the completely wild storylines that nobody else has the balls to do.
So for you now to pull this is… disappointing, at best. Can we get back to something insane next season, please? Satanic panic and serial killers and cults – yes, they're a lot to live up to, but please at least try, Riverdale. With college looming over next season, it could be great… or it could get worse.
Please not worse, Riverdale. You're not Dawson's Creek – you're your own thing. Please keep being that. Learn from Smallville, please.
On second thought – I wonder what that bear is doing? Can we get an Archie vs Bear miniseries? It has heart, claws, and surprises… unlike this week's episode of "The 'Dale".