TN Mayor Kane Threatens Children With Hellfire, Brimstone, COVID-19

Knox County Mayor Kane is mad as hell, and this time, it's not because Chris Jericho spilled a cup of coffee on him. The former WWE Superstar turned Tennessee mayor took to Twitter to lash out at the government preventing gatherings during the coronavirus pandemic while also advocating for schools to reopen despite the danger it poses to students, teachers, and family members. Kane hasn't been this obsessed with a date since May 19th, 2006.

"Despite working with @CityOfDallas to implement and enforce public health guidelines, the @YALiberty event this weekend is cancelled," said Mayor Kane after learning that the Liberty Talk event in Texas had been canceled. Liberty Talk is essentially the Juggalo Gathering for Libertarian youth activists. "Unbelievable!" Mayor Kane went on to declare a double standard for the political class, tweeting, "The rest of us should "limit the amount of people gathered for funeral, memorial, and vigil services to less than the posted guidelines issued by the DC Department of Health." But that doesn't apply to the Political Class."

Glenn Jacobs, better known as Kane, is the Mayor of Knox County, Tennessee.
Glenn Jacobs, better known as Kane, is the Mayor of Knox County, Tennessee.

The whole thing had the Big Red Machine almost as cheesed of as that time Triple H dressed up in a Kane costume, climbed into a coffin, and simulated necrophiliac sex with the Mayor's deceased childhood friend Katie Vick. He was so cheesed off, in fact, that he seemed to remain in a sour mood for several days, lashing out at children by encouraging schools to reopen and put them all at risk for coronavirus.

"Education is the great equalizer," tweeted Mayor Kane. "In places where schools don't reopen with in-person classes, at-risk youth will suffer the most. Many of these kids are already at a disadvantage. If they get further behind, we risk sentencing them to lives of poverty and hopelessness."

Later that day, Mayor Kane became so enraged that he actually got in a made-up argument with himself, which, in the grand scheme of things, is a better outlet for his endless rage than lighting beloved announcer Jim Ross on fire or electrocuting the testicles of WWE boss Shane McMahon. Kane tweeted, "Me: The sky is blue. Twitter: No, it's not. Also, Twitter: Trump said the sky is blue. He's lying. More Twitter: Sometimes, the sky is red. Why do you hate red sky? Even More Twitter: You're stupid because you think the sky is blue." He added, "Yet More Twitter: Republicans say the sky is blue. The sky must be a different color. It doesn't matter what color. It just isn't blue." And then, "Additional Twitter: Technically, the sky only appears blue due to the atmosphere's charged particles oscillating and scattering the sunlight passing through it. Blue is scattered more than other colors. Hence, the sky's blue hue. Translation: You don't understand science…" Finally, he said, "…and you're stupid. Have a great day, everyone!

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About Jude Terror

A prophecy once said that in the comic book industry's darkest days, a hero would come to lead the people through a plague of overpriced floppies, incentive variant covers, #1 issue reboots, and super-mega-crossover events. Sadly, that prophecy was wrong. Oh, Jude Terror was right. For ten years. About everything. But nobody listened. And so, Jude Terror has moved on to a more important mission: turning Bleeding Cool into a pro wrestling dirt sheet!
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