Posted in: Opinion, Sports, TV, TV, WWE | Tagged: opinion, Wrestlemania, Wrestlemania 38, wwe

WrestleMania 38 Dares You To Ask: Do I Really Need This?

WWE is about to produce one of the biggest shows of the year as WrestleMania 38 will take place in Dallas. But… who is this show for? That's not some arbitrary question we're throwing out there for you to answer, we're actually going to answer that ourselves. But considering the fact that we've watched every WrestleMania up to this point, suffering through the good and the bad, watching it at the company's highest and lowest points since the mid-80s… This card has left us stumped. There are so many matches over the course of the next two nights that don't even look good enough to be booked for Backlash, and yet, here they are. So before you plunk down money on a Peacock subscription, let's go over the 10+ hours of sports "entertainment" they have booked for the next two days and determine whether or not you really need this.

WrestleMania Day 1 – Saturday (April 2)

Becky Lynch vs. Bianca Belair

When WWE brought Becky Lynch back at SummerSlam in one of the biggest pops/worst moments in company history, the first thought on my mind was not "I can't wait to see a rematch in April." They pulled that mediocre match out as a Gotcha! moment to create buzz, especially after promoting Sasha Banks at SummerSlam knowing full well she wasn't showing up. And now, after a long eight months, which included Becky and Charlotte playing an unnecessary game of hot potato with the belts and making them worthless, here we are with the eventual revenge story. Belair should win because if she doesn't then they've killed another great performer's run. Which, let's be real, they're gonna do at the next PPV when they put both belts on Rhonda. And if you don't think that's happening, you don't know what you're watching.

Who Is This For?: People who, for some reason, didn't think Belair was a made woman after beating Sasha Banks one year ago. (And you suck for thinking that!)

Rey Mysterio and Dominik Mysterio vs. The Miz and Logan Paul

This match has about as much excitement going for it as avocado toast. And at least if I eat the toast, I get the nutritional benefit of consuming food for my body to live. I'm fairly certain that if I watch this match, my body will try to shove a pencil into my ear to end the pain. The only thing it has going for it is the possibility of Dominik turning on his dad and becoming the evil version of Rey Mysterio The Third. But that would imply they had the foresight of making a celebrity match have consequences beyond promoting Jake's next boxing match and Miz's reality TV show.

Who Is This For?: Fans of the Paul brothers, and anyone who thinks Dominik is WWE's version of AEW's Hook.

Drew McIntyre vs. Happy Corbin (with Madcap Moss)

You know you've reached the bottom of the barrel for creative ideas when the team sticks you with Baron Corbin. And that's not necessarily Corbin's fault, but holy crap, the amount of duct tape that was used to put these two together for any kind of a meaningful program could have covered the stadium. Aside from some swordplay, I can't even recall why these two have a match, or why Moss is with them, or what a win would benefit either of them in the eyes of fans.

Who Is This For?: Scottish viewers and fedora enthusiasts.

Kevin Owens Interviews "Stone Cold" Steve Austin

Remember the Attitude Era? WWE sure hopes you do. What an awkward juxtaposition for WWE these days where they want you to remember the most successful point in the company's history, but not too much so that you remember a point where it was practically Rated-R television and not the wholesome PG schtick they're trying to get Disney to purchase. Did I say that out loud? …ANYWAY! Owens is wasting his time here in what is basically an excuse to get older fans to watch the show. This is going to be 10-12 minutes of Austin's greatest hits for a giant Texas pop because he was born there. That's it. This isn't a passing of the torch, this isn't a validating moment for either one. It's Owens getting owned by an idol while Austin picks up a paycheck.

Who Is This For?: The all-important 38-65 demographic.

The Usos (Jey Uso and Jimmy Uso) vs. Shinsuke Nakamura and Rick Boogs

Of all the title belts no one cares about within the company, the Smackdown Tag Titles are at the bottom of the trash heap. And that's saying something considering the Intercontinental and United States champions aren't even on the show! And it's no fault of any of the people in this match, but it should tell you something about the titles when The Usos, who are tied DIRECTLY to one of the two men in the Main Event of Night 2, aren't even facing a proper tag team. Which is made up of a former Strong Style king and that guy at Guitar Center who tells you not to play "Stairway To Heaven".

Who Is This For?: NJPW fans who are waiting for Nakamura's contract to run out

The New Day (Xavier Woods and Kofi Kingston) vs. Sheamus and Ridge Holland (with Butch)

This was supposed to be a six-man tag until Ridge Holland showed how well NXT's new system works by breaking Big-E's neck. But even if he were able to compete in the match, what does this particular fight do for anyone? Do Ridge and Butch really need a rub from the money printer that is the New Day? Does the New Day really need a spot on the show against the touring company extras from the musical Newsies? Not really either way. They're both here for the same reason: a bonus in their pay from the merch booth.

Who Is This For?: G4 fans who were told this match was happening during Attack Of The Show.

Seth "Freakin" Rollins vs. TBA

Considering how much WWE loves to use their new annoying 3D graphics over the past few years, it would not shock me in the slightest if Seth came out to fight a WWE 2K22 Create A Wrestler. Especially since the lead-up to this has about as much story going for it as one of the video game's storylines. Will it be Shane McMahon? Will it be Cody Rhodes? Will it be the ghost of Dean Ambrose? It doesn't matter at this point because unless it's one specific person (Rhodes) it will be a disappointment to everyone involved. Especially the ticket holders, who will have to sit through Rollins' seven-minute strut to the ring to see him wrestle Akira Tozawa as a last-minute swerve.

Who Is This For?: AEW fans waiting to see how many people in the crowd know the lyrics to Cody's theme song.

Charlotte Flair vs. Ronda Rousey

The Main Event of Day 1 of WrestleMania is a match that literally has the word Predictabe written on it in crayon. Why are you even reading this? You KNOW Ronda is winning. You don't sign a one-year deal to come in and lay down in Texas for Flair of all people. The only thing we don't know is how long will this take to make happen. And how many terrible moonsaults will Flair do?  And will Ronda have a better finisher than an armbar?

Who Is This For?: UFC fans and Andrade El Idolo

WrestleMania Day 2 – Sunday (April 3)

Queen Zelina and Carmella vs. Sasha Banks and Naomi vs. Rhea Ripley and Liv Morgan vs. Natalya and Shayna Baszler

The Andre The Giant Battle Royale was designed to give a ton of people a chance to get onto the WrestleMania card and pick up a decent payday. Which is what the Women's Tag Team Championships have become for the Women's division. And if the current hiring process at NXT is any indication of the future, this may be the last time you see these belts at WrestleMania before they're either scrapped or renamed the Diva's Tag Team Championships. I want to care about this match, but I can't, because no matter who wins, the tag belts feel like a demotion to both people. It's almost like you're being told "you're not good enough to hold onto one of the major titles, but here, you can pretend you are with these."

Who Is This For?: Inspiration for future women wrestlers to not trust this company with their careers.

Johnny Knoxville vs. Sami Zayn

Zayn could be doing a hundred different things, but instead, he's back to playing second-fiddle to a celebrity. We don't hate Knocksville at all, if anything, the fact that he'd probably be willing to get impaled on a ring post will make this worth watching. That said, if there isn't some weird weapon introduced, like a dildo shotgun fired by all the Jackass crew trying to help Johnny, then really, what are we here for? It would be an American travesty to not see something fired from some sort of canon during this match.

Who Is This For?: Paramount+, where you can stream Jackass Forever, right now.

Pat McAfee vs. Austin Theory

This match isn't a Whose's Who, it's a Who Cares. Strip down all the pomp and circumstance they've tried to decorate this with and what do you really have? An athletic color commentator and podcaster going against a joke protegee to the owner of the company. The only way there could be any real stakes worth caring about in this match is if someone went down the street, picked up some Texas BBQ, and announced the winner would get actual steaks.

Who Is This For?: That one dude in your group of friends who is a wrestling fan and also follows the NFL.

RK-Bro (Randy Orton and Riddle) vs. The Street Profits (Angelo Dawkins and Montez Ford) vs. Alpha Academy (Chad Gable and Otis)

Much like the Smackdown tag titles, the Raw titles are about as worthless. If only a smidge more because they're on what the company considers their better show. We're not here to see a title change. We're not even here to see Otis do something funny. We're here to see if this is the tipping point for Randy Orton to finally get fed up with Matt Riddle. Because you know at some point he's going to turn back into The Viper and strike Riddle down for the eventual match at SummerSlam. But if it doesn't happen here, it's probably not going to happen until Money In The Bank.

Who Is This For?: People who love Razor Scooters, weed, Crocs, and honey-baked ham.

Edge vs. AJ Styles

Okay, so being real-real for a moment, this is about the only thing of major interest on Night 2 of WrestleMania. The big issue here is that they had to turn Edge heel to make it happen, because what a "travesty" it would be to stick two babyfaces against each other. These guys will probably put on the match of the night, but with all the injuries and wear-and-tear they both have between them, it's probably not going to be the greatest it could be if they had run into each other years ago. So expect some cool spots followed by two minutes of laying down and breathing heavily.

Who Is This For?: People who wish this match happened 15 years ago

Bobby Lashley vs. Omos

Lashley deserves so much better than to be the dude trying to make Omos look like a million bucks. He is going to be the "Ravishing" Rick Rude to Omos' Ultimate Warrior. The downside is he's not winning because this company is trying to make a brand new giant now that Paul Wight is off being a commentator. This match is so uninteresting and predictable, I kid you not, I went and took a nap gathering my thoughts about what to write about it.

Who Is This For?: Anyone who does a Vince McMahon impression and uses the phrase "Make him look strong!"

Brock Lesnar vs. Roman Reigns (with Paul Heyman)

Okay… So here we are, the Main-Main-Main-Main-Main-Main Event of the Buy-One-Get-One-Free (thanks for that one, CM Punk!) PPV extravaganza known as WrestleMania 38. This is not a unification match, this is just "winner take all", meaning one of these two guys will be walking around with double the hardware. It's pretty clear based on how Roman has been booked for the past two years that we're going to end the evening with Brocky Two Belts. This would be exciting… if we hadn't already seen this match several times over for almost the same purpose. Sure, Seth got involved once, one was 4-way, and one was held in a different country for blood money… But hey, they're hoping you forget the fact that you've seen this match so many times and think it's new because TWO belts are on the line. You ain't getting anything you haven't seen before in this match, except for maybe Paul Heyman possibly getting punched in the face.

Who Is This For?: People who never saw WrestleMania 31, or WrestleMania 34, or the 2018 Royal Rumble, or SummerSlam 2018, or Crown Jewel 2021…

WrestleMania 38 Overall

At the end of the day, two big things come to mind. The first is that this is two days of content that could have been done in one night if they shortened the match length on half the card. And the second is that despite identifying all the people these matches are for, the reality is WrestleMania 38 as a whole is for one person and one person only: Vince McMahon. It's been said so many times by different people in interviews that all TV and PPVs are basically being written and put together for the enjoyment of one guy. And that guy is not you! And this entire card is a perfect example of that. If you happen to like it, you lucked out. The rest of us are either getting drunk for two days, watching clips later on YouTube, or skipping it altogether in favor of rewatching Ring Of Honor's Supercard Of Honor and the final night of the New Japan Cup.

Who Is This For?: A 73-year-old man who we're pretty sure might have Alzheimer's

SIDE NOTE: If you got to the end of this and think we're being super serious, you really need to go back up and check the date this was published.

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