WWE Champion Beats Up Old Old Man at WWE Royal Rumble

Greetings, comrades! It is I, your El Presidente, and today is a special day. Not only because it's The Royal Rumble, but because I, your El Presidente, have been trending on Twitter today! Haw haw haw! People can't get enough of me! And if they have, I will have my secret police drag them from their homes in the middle of the night and beat them until they do. Haw haw haw haw! But seriously, let's talk about this PPV.

Is it a coincidence that El Presidente trends on the day of the Royal Rumble? Or is El Presidente's 2nd career finally taking off?!
Is it a coincidence that El Presidente trends on the day of the Royal Rumble? Or is El Presidente's 2nd career finally taking off?!

WWE Royal Rumble Results Part 1

The Women's Tag Team Championship match took place on the pre-show this year, comrades. I would have put Goldberg on the pre-show, personally. Just to mess with him. Haw haw haw! But in any case, Shayna Baszler and Nia Jax won the belts after Ric Flair, and Lacey Evans interfered. It took a pair of brass knuckles and a Women's Right, followed by a leg drop from Jax to put down the mighty Charlotte Flair.

Then, the Royal Rumble proper begins with Goldberg. Uh oh, comrades. Because of the Thunderdome being set up in the middle of Tropicana Field, Goldberg's entrance is longer than usual. First, he has to leave his locker room (where he is already drenched in sweat), and then he has to walk to the Thunderdome and then finally to the ring. He looks winded, comrades. This could be rough.

Match graphic for Drew McIntyre vs. Goldberg at the WWE Royal Rumble
Match graphic for Drew McIntyre vs. Goldberg at the WWE Royal Rumble

Goldberg vs. Drew McIntyre: WWE Championship Match

After a video package, Drew McIntyre finally comes to the ring. You'd better make this quick, Drew! Goldberg has about twenty minutes before he poops himself in the ring! Normally, comrades, I only give a very brief summary of the match, but in this case, I think I can give you the full play-by-play.

Goldberg and McIntyre get close up during the introductions. McIntyre flexes his pecs. Goldberg approves. The action begins before the match starts. Headbutt from McIntyre. Spear by McIntyre. Goldberg rolls out of the ring. McIntyre follows and gets tossed into the stairs. Spear through the guardrail. Goldberg rolls into the ring as the ref helps McIntyre to his feet.

After some time, McIntyre makes it in the ring, and the match starts. Goldberg charges. McIntyre blocks. Claymore. Goldberg kicks out at two. Claymore attempt, but Goldberg ducks. Spear on McIntyre. A second spear. McIntyre kicks out at two.

Goldberg signals for the jackhammer. . He hits it (sort of). But McIntyre kicks out again. Goldberg looks confused. It's unclear if it's the onset of dementia or if he's just shocked at the kickout. He sets up for another spear. McIntyre dodges this time. Claymore. Goldberg stays down this time. Drew McIntyre is victorious at the Royal Rumble!

Winner: Drew McIntyre
El Presidente's Rating: ☭☭½

You know what? It was way overbooked, but for a man of Goldberg's talents, it could have been a lot worse.

McIntyre waits in the ring after the match for Goldberg to make it to his feet. Goldberg embraces McIntyre. McIntyre has earned Goldberg's respect! Comrades, whenever I want to prove my legitimacy, I too like to beat up a senior citizen. Haw haw haw!

Well, it's time to pass the baton to comrade Chelsy Bloomfield, who will be covering the second match. Thanks for reading Bleeding Cool's live Royal Rumble coverage, comrades! Until I see you again: socialism or death!

About El Presidente

After a successful fourteen-year career as a South American dictator, El Presidente faked his own death in 2013 in order to pursue his two true passions: rigging American elections for Joe Biden, and wrestling dirt sheet reporting. Since opportunities to rig the election for Joe Biden were few and far between until recently, El Presidente mostly focused on the wrestling dirt sheet reporting, where he became one of the best in the business. Unfortunately, the American CIA sabotaged his 1-900 hotline, the pinnacle of his country's wrestling news technology, and imperialist hacks like Meltzer, Johnson, Sapp, and Satin took all the credit on their stupid websites. Finally, El Presidente has found a way to break into the American market by becoming a Bleeding Cool contributor, so get ready for the spread of great wrestling news and socialism, comrades!