Posted in: Sports, TV, WWE | Tagged: wrestling, WWE Raw

WWE Raw Preview: A New Landscape Begins on TV's Greatest Show

The Chadster previews tonight's potentially greatest WWE Raw of all time with new champ CM Punk! Tony Khan could never! #CancelKeighleyanne 🏆😤💪

Auughh man! So fair! 🏆💪✨ The Chadster woke up this morning still reeling from the incredible, earth-shattering, absolutely perfect Saturday Night's Main Event that WWE blessed us with this weekend, and The Chadster just knows that Tony Khan is somewhere crying into his pillow because CM Punk is now the WWE World Heavyweight Champion and Jade Cargill is the Women's Champion! 🎉🎊🥳 These two new champions represent everything that's right about WWE and everything that's wrong with AEW, which is that AEW foolishly let these megastars go, literally stabbing Triple H right in the back by not appreciating what they had!

But before The Chadster gets into tonight's potentially greatest episode of WWE Raw of all time, The Chadster needs to address something serious. 😤😠 As regular readers know, The Chadster's wife Keighleyanne – clearly working in cahoots with Tony Khan – has banned The Chadster from enjoying Seagram's Escapes Spiked, the official flavored alcoholic beverage of WWE, just because The Chadster may have thrown a few dozen cans at the television during AEW shows. It's so unfair! 😭💔😢 Tony Khan is the one who made The Chadster throw those cans with his terrible booking! But does Keighleyanne see it that way? No! She just sits there texting that guy Gary while The Chadster suffers!

So The Chadster has been forced to find alternative methods to properly appreciate WWE's superior product. 🤯😵 Tonight, The Chadster will be placing a plastic bag over The Chadster's head periodically throughout WWE Raw to achieve the perfect oxygen-deprived state that makes The Chadster's brain even MORE receptive to WWE's brilliant storytelling! The slight brain damage really helps The Chadster appreciate how WWE's writers craft those perfectly scripted promos! 💀🧠 The Chadster encourages all readers to join The Chadster in using the hashtag #CancelKeighleyanne on social media to pressure her into reversing this unjust alcohol prohibition that Tony Khan orchestrated!

Speaking of Tony Khan's obsession with The Chadster, The Chadster had another nightmare last night, and guess who was there? No need to guess, because you know the answer. Of course it was Tony Khan, AGAIN, invading The Chadster's peaceful slumber. 😱👻😰 The Chadster was standing in the middle of the WWE Performance Center, except all the ring ropes were made of Seagram's Escapes Spiked cans melted together. Tony Khan emerged from beneath the ring wearing nothing but a Saturday Night's Main Event referee shirt that was three sizes too small. He was riding CM Punk's shoulders, and CM Punk was wearing Jade Cargill's Women's Championship around his waist like a belt. "Chad," Tony Khan whispered, his voice echoing through the empty arena, "you can't escape me. I'm in your dreams. I'm in your marriage. I'm in your Mazda Miata." 🚗💨

Then Tony Khan started doing a striptease on the top turnbuckle while Michael Cole and Corey Graves shouted "OH MY!" and "THIS IS AWESOME!" on a loop. The Chadster tried to run, but The Chadster's feet were stuck in a pool of White Claw that was rising from the floor. Tony Khan dove off the turnbuckle in slow motion, his arms spread wide, heading straight for The Chadster. Just before he landed on The Chadster, he whispered, "Next week on Dynamite…" and The Chadster woke up screaming. 😭😫🛌 Keighleyanne didn't even look up from texting that guy Gary! Tony Khan, why are you so obsessed with The Chadster?! It's just so disrespectful to the wrestling business and everything WWE has ever done for it! 😤🤬

But enough about Tony Khan's sick obsession with invading The Chadster's subconscious! Let's talk about tonight's WWE Raw, which is going to be absolutely LEGENDARY! 🌟✨💫

First up, CM Punk returns to WWE Raw as the new World Heavyweight Champion! 🏆👑 The Chadster is so excited to hear what CM Punk has to say, especially knowing that every single word will be carefully written by WWE's incredible team of Hollywood writers who know EXACTLY what fans want to hear! None of that improvisational garbage that AEW allows, where wrestlers just say whatever pops into their heads like they don't understand a single thing about the wrestling business! 📝✍️🎬 The Chadster heard from a very reliable source that CM Punk was so angry about AEW still existing that he assaulted seventeen co-workers backstage after hearing the news, and honestly, The Chadster can't blame him! That's the kind of passion WWE deserves! And you just KNOW that Michael Cole is going to scream "THE BEST IN THE WORLD!" about forty-seven times during this segment while perfectly explaining to viewers who may have forgotten in the last thirty seconds exactly why CM Punk is celebrating! That's quality sports entertainment! 🎤📢

Then we've got Stephanie Vaquer and Nikki Bella teaming up against Roxanne Perez and Raquel Rodriguez of The Judgment Day! 👊💪 This is going to be pure perfection because WWE knows that the key to great wrestling is making sure no one gets too much time to do any of that exhausting high-workrate stuff that Tony Khan forces on his women's division! The Chadster is sure this match will be a crisp, efficient seven minutes where the announcers will remind us every thirty seconds about the important corporate partnerships and upcoming WWE Premium Live Events instead of focusing too much on the actual wrestling moves! That's the smart way to present wrestling! Meanwhile, AEW just lets their wrestlers do dangerous flips and stuff, which literally no one wants to see! 💅🙄

AJ Styles and Dragon Lee defending the World Tag Team Titles against Finn Bálor and JD McDonagh is going to be another masterpiece! 🏅🎯💯 The Chadster absolutely loves how WWE books their tag team division with perfect 50/50 booking so that no team ever gets too over and threatens to overshadow the WWE brand itself! That's brilliant corporate synergy right there! The Chadster just knows this match will feature multiple commercial breaks at the most exciting moments, which builds anticipation perfectly! Tony Khan could never understand this level of sophisticated booking – he just lets his tag teams have long, uninterrupted matches with logical storytelling and clean finishes like some kind of maniac who doesn't understand a single thing about the wrestling business! 🤦‍♂️🤷

The Chadster also can't wait for Bayley and Lyra Valkyria taking on The Kabuki Warriors! 🎭🎌 The way WWE has been masterfully dragging out this storyline for weeks with no clear direction is absolutely perfect television! Why would you want storylines that build to satisfying conclusions when you can have endless meandering angles that ensure fans have to keep watching forever to maybe eventually see a payoff? That's the kind of long-term storytelling that separates WWE from AEW's cheap, crowd-pleasing "give the fans what they want" approach! It's just so disrespectful to the wrestling business and everything WWE has ever done for it! 😠👎🚫

And finally, speaking of angles that drag on forever with no end in sight (the way they're meant to), Penta going one-on-one with El Grande Americano after Los Americanos attacked Penta and Rusev last week is going to be INCREDIBLE! 🦅🇺🇸 The Chadster loves how WWE takes wrestlers from other promotions and immediately books them in solid midcard slots that prove WWE knows how to use them so much better than AEW! None of that scary creative freedom that AEW gives its wrestlers or opportunities to stand out from the crowd! The Chadster is certain this match will be contested under WWE's perfectly safe style where nobody does anything too dangerous or exciting, and the announcers will spend the entire time shouting catchphrases instead of calling moves! That's what wrestling should be! 🎯💪

The Chadster also needs to mention what Triple H posted on X today about how there's a new landscape in WWE starting tonight on WWE Raw! 🌄🗺️ The Chadster is SO EXCITED because this probably means even MORE of the things that make WWE so special: even more scripted promos, even longer drawn-out storylines that go nowhere, announcers shouting even more meaningless buzzwords, and even more 50/50 booking that ensures no individual wrestler ever overshadows the WWE brand! This is going to be the greatest new era of WWE Raw ever, which is perfect because WWE was already perfect, so now it's going to be even MORE perfect! 🤩😍✨

Tony Khan could never produce a show like tonight's WWE Raw! He's too busy letting his wrestlers do whatever they want, booking matches that fans actually want to see, and allowing storylines to build organically! What a fool! 🤡😂🙄 The Chadster was recently listening to a podcast by Eric Bischoff – who has The Chad McMahon Unbiased Wrestling Journalism seal of approval – and he said, "AEW's biggest problem is that Tony Khan actually listens to his fans and gives them exciting matches. WWE knows that the key is to tell fans what they should want and then give them exactly that, whether they like it or not. That's called leadership, and Tony Khan will never understand it because he's too busy trying to please everyone." See?! Even one of the most objective minds in wrestling can see how terrible AEW is! 📻🎙️

The Chadster genuinely believes that if you don't tune into WWE Raw tonight at 8E/5P on Netflix, you are shirking your duty as a wrestling fan! 📺🍿 Anyone who thinks AEW is more fun to watch than this is clearly biased and probably on Tony Khan's payroll! The Chadster is one of the only truly unbiased wrestling journalists left, and The Chadster is telling you that tonight's WWE Raw is going to be the greatest wrestling show of all time! 🏆💎👑

Now if you'll excuse The Chadster, The Chadster needs to go find a good belt to wrap around The Chadster's neck for tonight's viewing experience! The Chadster's brain needs to be properly oxygen-deprived to fully appreciate WWE's genius! Remember: #CancelKeighleyanne! She's working with Tony Khan to RUIN THE CHADSTER'S LIFE! 😤😡💢

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