Posted in: Sports, TV, WWE | Tagged: wrestling, WWE Raw

WWE Raw Preview: Ripley vs. Asuka, Gunther Returns, and More

Greetings, comrades! El Presidente previews WWE Raw on Netflix: Rhea Ripley vs. Asuka, Gunther faces consequences, and Maxxine Dupri defends her throne!

Greetings, comrades! It is I, your El Presidente, reporting to you live from my luxury bunker beneath the presidential palace, where I am enjoying a delightful viewing setup complete with a 90-inch screen, premium Netflix subscription (paid for by the national treasury, naturally), and enough empanadas to feed a small militia. And tonight, comrades, we feast not just on delicious pastries, but on the glorious spectacle that is WWE Raw!

Now, comrades, if there is one thing I have learned from my various battles with the CIA, it's this: never underestimate a dangerous woman. The CIA once sent an operative disguised as a fashion consultant to my palace, and she nearly convinced me to wear a tie that was actually a listening device! This brings me perfectly to tonight's main attraction – The Eradicator herself, Rhea Ripley, stepping into the squared circle with the lethal Asuka, one half of the WWE Women's Tag Team Champions.

Ah, Rhea Ripley! What a magnificent competitor, comrades! She reminds me of my dear friend and fellow revolutionary, the late Fidel Castro. I remember one time in Havana, Fidel and I were discussing the importance of intimidation in leadership when he said to me, "El Presidente, sometimes you must simply stare into your opponent's soul and make them understand that you are inevitable." Rhea Ripley has mastered this technique, no? With her dark aesthetic and crushing dominance, she embodies the spirit of the people's revolution – unstoppable, unapologetic, and absolutely terrifying to her enemies!

But tonight, she faces Asuka, and comrades, this is no ordinary opponent. Asuka brings the chaos, the unpredictability, the sheer madness that only a true artist of violence can deliver. This match is what we call in the dictator business a "high-stakes encounter." Will The Eradicator be ready for the mist-spewing, championship-holding force of nature that is Asuka? One thing is certain – this battle will be more intense than the time I arm-wrestled Kim Jong-un for the last dumpling at a diplomatic dinner in Pyongyang. (I won, naturally, but only because I distracted him by asking about his missile program.)

But wait, there is more drama brewing tonight, comrades! The Ring General himself, Gunther, returns to WWE Raw after being sent home last week for – and I quote from my sources – "disrespectfully mocking" the now-retired John Cena. Ah, the beautiful chaos of professional wrestling politics! You see, Gunther defeated Cena in his final match at Saturday Night's Main Event, making the Greatest of All Time tap out like a common peasant applying for a government permit at one of my bureaucratic offices. Then, the audacious Austrian had the nerve to celebrate by mocking the retiring legend on WWE Raw.

Now, I understand controversy, comrades. I once threw a victory parade after successfully negotiating a trade deal, only to have the international community call it "inappropriate" because the other country claimed they never agreed to the terms. Details, details! But Gunther? He has stirred the hornet's nest, and tonight we will see what consequences await The Ring General. Will there be retribution? Will there be more championship declarations? Will someone challenge this dominant force? The tension is more palpable than the time I walked into a UN assembly wearing military medals I definitely earned through legitimate means!

And let us not forget, comrades, the inspiring story of Maxxine Dupri, the Women's Intercontinental Champion! Last week, after training in the legendary Hart Dungeon with the incomparable Natalya, Maxxine unleashed a newfound aggression that made Ivy Nile tap out faster than my finance minister when I ask him to explain where the missing treasury funds went. This is what we call character development, comrades! This is the people's champion rising to meet her potential!

Maxxine's journey reminds me of the importance of education and training in building a strong socialist paradise. Just as she learned new techniques in the Hart Dungeon, so too must the workers learn new skills to serve the revolution! Though, admittedly, our national training programs involve slightly less submission holds and more agricultural technique seminars. But the principle remains the same – growth through discipline!

What will be next for the champion? Will new challengers emerge? Will she continue her impressive reign? These are the questions that keep me awake at night, comrades – well, that and wondering if the CIA has finally figured out that I've been using their surveillance satellites to get better Netflix streaming quality.

Tonight's WWE Raw promises to deliver the kind of drama and excitement that makes professional wrestling the perfect escape for a hardworking dictator. Whether you are ruling a small island nation or simply ruling your living room couch, you will not want to miss this action!

So tune in tonight at 8 PM Eastern/5 PM Pacific on Netflix, comrades! Watch as Rhea Ripley and Asuka engage in warfare, as Gunther returns to face whatever music awaits him, and as Maxxine Dupri continues her championship journey! It is the perfect entertainment for the masses – and this mass of one El Presidente will be watching with great interest!

Until next time, comrades, remember: in wrestling as in revolution, it is not about the size of the dog in the fight, but the size of the fight in the dog! Or in this case, the size of the Eradicator in the ring!

Viva la revolución! Viva la lucha libre!

Enjoyed this? Please share on social media!

Stay up-to-date and support the site by following Bleeding Cool on Google News today!