Posted in: Sports, TV, WWE | Tagged: wrestling, WWE Raw

WWE Raw Preview: Roman Decides, Hendry Sings, Crowd Revolts?

El Presidente previews tonight's WWE Raw: all the segments WWE has planned that fans can interrupt to show their displeasure for talent cuts.

Greetings, comrades! It is I, your El Presidente, reporting to you live from my luxurious bunker beneath the presidential palace, where I have installed a 95-inch television specifically for watching WWE Raw while simultaneously monitoring for CIA drone strikes!

Tonight promises to be a most interesting episode of WWE Raw, particularly considering the talent cuts WWE made on Friday while SmackDown was airing. The company chose not to renew the contract of beloved star Kairi Sane, among others, which has the wrestling world in an uproar! As someone who has had to make difficult personnel decisions myself – though mine usually involve who gets the nicest cell in the political prison – I understand these things can be complicated. But comrades, here are all the segments happening on WWE Raw tonight that will be great opportunities for the crowd to hijack with "We want Kairi" chants!

Roman Reigns Responds to Jacob Fatu's Challenge

Last week, Jacob Fatu emerged to challenge his cousin Roman Reigns to a World Heavyweight Championship Match at WWE Backlash.

The Samoan Werewolf then laid waste to The MFTs on SmackDown with The Usos watching.

After giving Fatu a week to think about it, The OTC will make his decision about the challenge.

Don't miss all the action of Raw, tonight at 8 ET/5 PT on Netflix.

Ah, family drama! This reminds me of the time I had dinner with Bashar al-Assad and Kim Jong-un, and Kim challenged Bashar to an arm-wrestling match for the last piece of cake. The tension was palpable, comrades! Much like Roman Reigns must feel now with his cousin Jacob Fatu challenging him. The dynamics of family in positions of power are always complicated – do you accept the challenge and risk losing face if you lose, or do you decline and look weak? I once faced a similar dilemma when my cousin challenged me to a volleyball match. I accepted, won, and then he mysteriously disappeared. But I digress! The OTC has had a week to consider, and tonight on WWE Raw we will hear his decision. This is must-see television, comrades!

Penta Seeks Revenge Against Rusev

After competing for the Intercontinental Title in an explosive Six-Man Ladder Match at WrestleMania, Rusev unleashed a brutal beatdown on Penta last week on Raw.

The Intercontinental Champion flies back into the ring tonight looking for retribution against The Bulgarian Brute.

Brace yourself for all the action on Monday Night Raw at 8 ET/5 PT on Netflix.

Revenge is a dish best served cold, comrades, like the borscht Rusev probably enjoys! As someone who has plotted revenge against the CIA for their numerous attempts to destabilize my glorious regime, I can appreciate Penta's desire for retribution. The Intercontinental Champion was brutally attacked, and tonight he gets his chance to respond! I remember when the CIA tried to sabotage my wrestling viewing party by cutting the satellite feed – my revenge involved redirecting their spy satellite to only broadcast telenovelas for a month. Ah, sweet victory! This match should be absolutely spectacular, and I expect Penta to show the same fire I show when dealing with imperialist aggressors!

Bayley & Lyra Valkyria vs. Raquel Rodriguez & Roxanne Perez

Returning from a strong showing in the turbulent WWE Women's Tag Team Title Fatal 4-Way Match at WrestleMania, Bayley and Lyra Valkyria are set to take on Raquel Rodriguez and Roxanne Perez of The Judgment Day, tonight on Raw at 8 ET/5 PT on Netflix.

Tag team action, comrades! Bayley and Lyra Valkyria versus Raquel Rodriguez and Roxanne Perez! This reminds me of the time I teamed with Fidel Castro in a doubles tennis match against two CIA agents who had infiltrated our resort. Fidel's backhand was devastating, much like I expect Rodriguez's power moves to be tonight! The Judgment Day has been a thorn in the side of many wrestlers, much like opposition parties are thorns in the side of… well, let's just say thorns are annoying and leave it at that.

Becky Lynch Appears as Women's Intercontinental Champion

Becky Lynch will be live tonight on Raw after reclaiming the Women's Intercontinental Championship from AJ Lee on The Grandest Stage of Them All.

Find out what will happen when The Man comes around, tonight at 8 ET/5 PT on Netflix.

Becky Lynch is The Man, and as a man who is El Presidente, I can respect this! She reclaimed her championship at WrestleMania from AJ Lee, proving once again that she is one of the most resilient competitors in all of professional wrestling. This reminds me of the time I reclaimed my presidential palace after a brief… vacation… orchestrated by those meddling CIA operatives. The feeling of reclamation is sweet, comrades! Tonight on WWE Raw, we will hear from the newly-crowned champion. Will she issue a challenge? Will she celebrate? Will someone interrupt her? The possibilities are endless, much like the possibilities for spreading socialist ideals through professional wrestling commentary!

Joe Hendry Concert

Say his name and he will appear on Monday Night Raw.

Don't miss a special Joe Hendry concert, tonight at 8 ET/5 PT on Netflix.

Ah, Joe Hendry! A man so charismatic that merely saying his name summons him! I once had a similar arrangement with Vladimir Putin – I would say "vodka" three times and he would appear with a bottle. Those were good times, comrades! Hendry's concerts are always entertaining spectacles, combining music and sports entertainment in a way that would make even the most stoic revolutionaries tap their feet. I expect tonight's performance on WWE Raw will be no different. Perhaps he will sing about the injustice of talent cuts? One can only hope!

You can find more details about tonight's show at WWE's official preview page, comrades.

So tune in tonight to WWE Raw at 8 ET/5 PT on Netflix, comrades! I will be watching from my bunker, surrounded by my cabinet ministers whom I have forced to wear John Cena masks, while enjoying caviar and champagne liberated from a CIA supply drop that was "accidentally" redirected to my location. It will be glorious!

¡Viva la revolución! ¡Viva WWE Raw!

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