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WWE Raw Report – Zelina Vega Finally Dumps the Dead Weight

Another week, another WWE Monday Night Raw. What torture does WWE have planned for the next three hours? For some reason, I've volunteered to sit through it and write it all down, so you don't have to. Why waste any time? Let's just get to it.

WWE Raw Report for September 14, 2020

Michael Cole welcomes us to the Thunderdome. Wait; what? Yes, Cole is joined by Byron Saxton and Dolph Ziggler because Tom Phillips and Samoa Joe are off this week. They're taking a vacation to a bed and breakfast in a little town called COVID-19, I guess? Sorry, WWE, when you hide who has the coronavirus, we have to assume everyone does. Drew McIntyre comes to the ring… so he can stand there while we all watch a video package about his feud with Randy Orton.

Raw Promo – Drew McIntyre

Drew says Randy Orton broke his jaw, but now he's back (yeah, we can see that). He says he knows Orton wanted to do even worse to him. He provides a medical update: WWE told him to take some time off, but if he did, he'd have to forfeit the championship, so he said no. One bad strike to the jaw could make his fracture worse, but he'll never give up his championship. He tells Randy Orton to have the nurse at the hospital turn the volume up for this part. Drew says since they've both taken rides in ambulances lately, they should make it an ambulance match at Clash of Champions.

Then again, Drew says Randy might not make it to Clash of Champions after all those Claymore kicks last week. McIntyre says he created the Claymore by mistake because he was freeballing it one day and wearing tight pants, and he was afraid if he didn't lift both his legs for a kick, he would have split his pants and shown the world his balls. He puts a photoshop on the titantron showing all the people he's beat with the Claymore in the hospital.

Adam Pearce comes out to lecture Drew. He says it's unlikely Randy Orton will be here tonight, and he may not be here at Clash of Champions. So, if Keith Lee beats Drew McIntyre tonight, and if Randy can't make it to Clash of Champions, then Lee will get the title match against McIntyre at Clash of Champions.

Lee comes out with his terrible entrance music. He and Drew shake hands, but when Drew tries to walk away, Lee holds onto him, and a very poorly blended fake crowd pop happens. Then Raw takes a commercial break. So just to be clear, this is now the stipulation for Clash of Champions: if Randy Orton is cleared to wrestle by then, then he will face Drew McIntyre in an ambulance match, but if he can't, then if Keith Lee beats Drew McIntyre tonight, he will face McIntyre in a regular championship match. Way to keep it simple.

The Street Profits dance their way to the ring through a storm of solo cups. Michael Cole can't just let us enjoy that, so he explains the rules of the cross-brand invitational. Cesaro and Shinsuke Nakamura come out and talk about smashing breakfast burritos this morning, just thinking about how mad they are at Street Profits in a pre-recorded video promo. Shinsuke Nakamura says he brought some weed, and he can sell it to Street Profits if they want.

Street Profits vs. Cesaro and Shinsuke Nakamura

• The Street Profits had pretty much all their momentum killed first by a week's worth of bullshit comedy segments with the Viking Raiders and then by what has seemed like a ten-year-long feud with Andrade and Angel Garza.
• Cesaro and Nakamura, on the other hand, have never had any momentum on the WWE main roster because WWE won't let them.
• And we all know how WWE feels about tag teams in general.
• So there's not a lot to feel excited about for this champions vs. champions match. Well, unless you like wrestling. And if you do, why are you watching Raw?
• The Street Profits win when Angelo Dawkins gets a blind tag as Cesaro is suplexing Montez Ford and hits a frogsplash on Cesaro to get the pin.

Meh. I just couldn't get into that match. WWE has spent decades conditioning me not to. Speaking of things WWE has conditioned us not to care about, we see a video package for Mickey James, who is facing Asuka in a Raw Women's Championship match; there's no chance in hell she's winning tonight.

Lana complains to Angel Garza about how Natalya should have gotten that title shot. Garza pretends to care and agree with her. Zelina Vega and Andrade interrupt. Zelina lectures Garza on his responsibilities to the tag team. Garza says he's sick of taking all the heat when it's Andrade who sucks. Andrade gets in his face. Everyone shouts in Spanish. Zelina says she can't do this anymore and walks off. Andrade and Garza brawl. Raw goes to commercials.

The Mysterio family is seen backstage discussing strategy for Dominik's match against Seth Rollins in a steel cage later tonight. Cedric Alexander comes to the ring with Hurt Business. He has new theme music. We saw a video of his shocking betrayal of Ricochet and Apollo Crews last week.

MVP has a mic. He has an official announcement from the Hurt Business: business is booming. Cedric Alexander takes the mic and makes fun of all the fans who have been asking him why he betrayed his friends on social media. He says this is his job and he has to do what he has to do. He was tired of getting beat up by Hurt Business every week. Being ith Ricochet and Apollo left him empty and broken.

Ricochet and Apollo come to the top of the stage. Apollo says they treated him like a brother, and he sold them out. Cedric has a weak mind and was manipulated by MVP. Cedric says they didn't always have his back. How many times did Cedric take a beating for Apollo while he was United States champ?

Shelton Benjamin tells Cedric he doesn't owe them anything, but Ricochet tells him to shut up. He says Cedric betraying him hurt, but he's not here to beg and whine. They're out here to tell Cedric that they're coming for him now.

Will these guys ever shut up and get to fighting? Find out in part two of our WWE Raw report.

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