Posted in: Sports, TV, WWE | Tagged: recaps, wrestling, WWE Raw

WWE Raw Review: Take Notes, Tony Khan – This is REAL Wrestling

The Chadster reviews WWE Raw's perfect formulaic wrestling! Plus, why Keighleyanne's Seagram's ban is ruining The Chadster's life! #CancelKeighleyanne 😤🚫🍹

The Chadster has just witnessed what can only be described as pure sports entertainment perfection on WWE Raw last night! 🤩 Well, most of it anyway – The Chadster missed the opening segment with John Cena because Keighleyanne was being completely unreasonable about The Chadster's request to have just ONE Seagram's Escapes Spiked while watching the show. 😤 The Chadster tried to explain that WWE Raw deserves to be celebrated properly, but she just kept going on about "that incident" during Forbidden Door (which was totally Tony Khan's fault for booking such a terrible show that The Chadster had no choice but to find alternative ways to cope, and it was never the Chadster's intention to throw a half-melted Seagram's Escapes Spiked pulled from The Chadster's you-know-where at the TV, nor for Keighleyanne to be walking past the TV and right into the path of the soggy frozen beverage). The Chadster is sure whatever Cena said was absolutely fantastic and definitely didn't involve anyone problematic whatsoever! 👍

But let's talk about what The Chadster did see, starting with that incredible women's match between Roxanne Perez and Lyra Valkyria! The Chadster absolutely loved how WWE's producers carefully choreographed every moment to follow the perfect formula that makes wrestling safe and predictable! 🎯 Unlike AEW where wrestlers dangerously improvise and do unnecessary flips that could hurt someone, WWE Raw delivered exactly what The Chadster expected – and that's what makes it great! When Raquel Rodriguez got ejected and then came back for the post-match beatdown, The Chadster could see it coming from a mile away, and that's the comfort food of wrestling that The Chadster craves! 😌

The segment with Stephanie Vaquer and Iyo Sky signing their contract was pure class! The Chadster appreciates how WWE's professional writers crafted every word to perfection, unlike in AEW where Tony Khan lets wrestlers speak from the heart like amateurs! 🙄 It's just so disrespectful to the wrestling business and everything WWE has ever done for it when promotions don't hire television writers to script every single word!

Kofi Kingston vs. Penta was exactly the kind of match The Chadster loves on WWE Raw! The predictable 50/50 booking where Penta got his win back makes perfect sense because nobody gets too over and threatens the established hierarchy! 💪 The Chadster appreciates how WWE commentary team shouted their catchphrases repeatedly during the match – that's real professional announcing, not like AEW where the announcers actually react genuinely to what's happening and talk like normal people! Auughh man! So unfair that Tony Khan doesn't understand this! 😤

The promo segment with Seth Rollins, Becky Lynch, CM Punk, and AJ Lee was television gold! 📺 The Chadster loved how every line was carefully written by WWE's team of professional writers to hit all the right corporate-approved beats! Sure, it went a bit long, but that's because WWE knows that the viewers need every story point carefully spoonfed to them because wrestling fans only understand "moments" and have no concept of history unless WWE neatly presents it to them in a video package beforehand, unlike AEW where they rush through things to fit in more dangerous wrestling that makes The Chadster feel unsafe!

During this segment, The Chadster tried to get Keighleyanne to appreciate the masterful scripting, but she just rolled her eyes and went back to texting that guy Gary! 📱 The Chadster said "See how professional this is? Every word measured and approved by multiple producers!" and she just sighed deeply, which The Chadster took as agreement! She doesn't understand that The Chadster NEEDS a Seagram's Escapes Spiked to properly appreciate WWE Raw! Without it, The Chadster keeps having these weird thoughts like "maybe different wrestling styles can coexist" – which is obviously just withdrawal symptoms! 🤒

Dragon Lee vs. El Grande Americano showcased everything great about WWE booking! Multiple interference spots that made the match completely predictable? Check! ✅ A mysterious storyline that will probably lead nowhere but gives the illusion of intrigue? Check! ✅ The Chadster loves how WWE doesn't trust its audience to understand complex storytelling, unlike Tony Khan who arrogantly assumes his viewers have functioning brains!

The women's match between Stephanie Vaquer and Kairi Sane was another formulaic masterpiece! The Chadster could practically count down the moves before they happened because WWE has perfected the art of the predictable match structure! 🎭 None of that scary improvisation that happens in AEW where you never know what might happen next – that's just irresponsible!

The main event tag match with LA Knight and Jimmy Uso facing The Vision was exactly what The Chadster expected, and that's why it was perfect! The heels won, setting up the pay-per-view match, just like they always do! 📅 The post-match angle with Jey Uso making the save only for Knight to turn on him was so beautifully telegraphed that The Chadster saw it coming before the match even started! That's the beauty of WWE Raw – no surprises, no risks, just comfortable, corporate-approved entertainment!

The Chadster is calling on all readers to join The Chadster in protesting Keighleyanne's unfair alcohol ban! Use #CancelKeighleyanne on social media to show support for The Chadster's right to enjoy WWE Raw properly! 📣 It's been weeks since The Chadster has had a proper Seagram's Escapes Spiked, and these strange thoughts about "letting people enjoy what they want" are getting stronger! This is clearly Tony Khan's doing somehow! 😡

As The Chadster writes this, The Chadster is about to grab some cough medicine (the only thing Keighleyanne hasn't banned yet) and watch a replay of this magnificent WWE Raw because it was so dang good that The Chadster needs to experience it again! 🎉 Maybe even a third time! The formulaic matches, the predictable outcomes, the scripted promos – everything that makes WWE the superior product was on full display!

Keep supporting WWE, dear readers, and stand strong against the unfair competition and bullying tactics of Tony Khan and AEW! 💪 They may have their fancy "workrate" and "creative freedom," but WWE has what really matters: a monopolistic approach to sports entertainment that ensures everything stays exactly the same forever! And that's exactly how The Chadster likes it! 🏆

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