Posted in: Sports, TV, WWE | Tagged: recaps, wrestling, WWE Raw

WWE Raw Review: The Last Time is Soon

El Presidente reviews last night's WWE Raw! Tournament semifinals deliver, Bron Breakker destroys CM Punk verbally, and Liv Morgan returns.

Greetings, comrades! It is I, your El Presidente, reporting to you live from my presidential yacht where I am currently negotiating a trade deal that may or may not involve smuggling championship belts across international waters. But enough about my business ventures – let us talk about last night's episode of WWE Raw, which aired on Netflix and delivered more drama than the time I had to choose between two equally corrupt cabinet members for my minister of finance position!

WWE Raw opened with a recap of Survivor Series, which was longer than some of my state-sponsored propaganda films, but I digress. The real action began when Rhea Ripley and Iyo Sky came out demanding revenge and tag team gold. But wait! Charlotte and Alexa Bliss interrupted to tell them to get to the back of the line. This reminds me of the time Fidel Castro and I both showed up to the same dictator's conference wearing identical military uniforms. We had to establish a pecking order, which we did through an intense game of rock-paper-scissors. I won, naturally, because scissors always beats paper, especially when your scissors are actual military-grade weaponry.

The first tournament semifinal match on WWE Raw pitted Jey Uso against LA Knight, and comrades, this was a battle of titans! Knight managed to defeat Uso with a crucifix pin, which shocked me almost as much as the time the CIA tried to convince me that democracy was "trending." Uso was so distraught after the loss that he threw a temper tantrum. I understand this feeling completely – just last week, I lost at dominoes to my chief of staff and had to redecorate my entire presidential palace to feel better. The people understood, of course.

But here is where Monday Night Raw got truly interesting, comrades! Judgment Day came out with Dominik Mysterio showing off John Cena side plates on the Intercontinental Championship. The audacity! The arrogance! The absolute lack of respect for institutional norms! I loved every second of it. And then Liv Morgan made her grand return after helping Dominik win at Survivor Series. She slapped Dominik and jumped into his arms, which reminds me of my turbulent relationship with my third wife, who was also prone to slapping me before displays of affection. The CIA was somehow involved in that divorce too, but I cannot prove it yet.

The Tag Team Championship match on WWE Raw saw AJ Styles and Dragon Lee successfully defend their titles against New Day. Comrades, what has happened to New Day? They used to represent the finest principles of collective action and worker solidarity, and now they are losing matches with Grayson Waller in their corner. This is like the time I tried to form a socialist workers' paradise but accidentally created a military junta instead. These things happen, but you must adapt!

Then came the speech. The Vision came out and Paul Heyman introduced the most devastating verbal assault I have witnessed since Hugo Chávez roasted me at the annual South American dictators' barbecue in 2007. Bron Breakker absolutely demolished CM Punk with his words, calling him soft and saying he wasn't even the biggest star in his own house (RIP Larry, the true best in the world). I nearly stood up and applauded from my yacht! This is the kind of psychological warfare I respect. Breakker even referenced their match set for January 5th on WWE Raw in Brooklyn, and I am already planning to hijack a satellite to ensure I can watch it.

The next tournament semifinal on Monday Night Raw featured Gunther versus Solo Sikoa, and comrades, they beat each other like two superpowers fighting over a small oil-rich nation! Gunther emerged victorious after a brutal battle that included low blows, exposed turnbuckles, and enough chops to make a butcher jealous. Talla Tonga tried to interfere, but Gunther was having none of it. This reminds me of the time I was arm-wrestling Kim Jong-un for the last spring roll at our summit, and his bodyguard tried to help him. I simply had my personal guard remove his guard, and victory was mine! Also, the CIA burst in and we had to flee through the kitchen, but that is beside the point.

The show concluded with a women's tag team match that ended in a double disqualification when the Kabuki Warriors interfered. Asuka and Kairi Sane jumped Ripley and Sky, which led to Bayley and Lyra Valkyria making the save, which led to Liv Morgan bringing out Raquel Rodriguez and Roxanne Perez for an even bigger beatdown. It was chaos! Beautiful, socialist chaos where everyone got an equal opportunity to throw punches! This is the kind of wealth redistribution I can support – redistributing pain equally among all participants.

Comrades, WWE Raw delivered a spectacular show last night, setting up incredible matches for the future and crowning Gunther and LA Knight as the finalists in the Last Time Is Now Tournament. The finals will take place on SmackDown, and whoever wins will face John Cena in his final match at Saturday Night's Main Event. It is beautiful, it is dramatic, and it is everything we love about professional wrestling!

Viva la revolución! Viva la lucha libre! And most importantly, viva WWE Raw!

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