Posted in: Sports, TV, WWE | Tagged: recaps, wrestling, WWE Raw

WWE Raw Review: Two Championships Change Hands on Historic Night

El Presidente reviews WWE Raw! Cena wins Intercontinental Title in Boston, tournament continues, and WarGames chaos erupts. Plus: Chad McMahon update!

Greetings, comrades! It is I, your El Presidente, reporting to you live from my private luxury suite at the TD Garden in Boston, Massachusetts, where I have been hiding from the CIA disguised as a particularly enthusiastic John Cena fan! And what a night of WWE Raw we witnessed!

But first, comrades, El Presidente must deliver an update on our beloved comrade The Chadster, who remains in the local medical facility after his unfortunate oxygen deprivation incident. The good news is that Chad is showing remarkable signs of recovery! Just this morning, he regained enough strength to file seventeen separate complaints about Tony Khan, including one claim that Khan had disguised himself as a vending machine in the hospital cafeteria and dispensed only Diet Pepsi instead of Seagram's Escapes Spiked. Comrades, if our beloved Chadster has enough energy to maintain his paranoid vigilance against the dastardly Khan, then surely he will make a full recovery! Though I must admit, the doctors are concerned about his obsession with watching WWE Raw reruns on a loop. They say he keeps muttering something about "auughh man! So unfair!" in his sleep.

This reminds me of the time I was sharing cigars with Muammar Gaddafi in his famous tent, and he told me about the importance of proper breathing techniques while watching professional wrestling. "My dear El Presidente," he said, "the key to surviving a three-hour wrestling show is pacing yourself, much like surviving a NATO bombing campaign." Wise words that Chad should have heeded!

Now, onto this magnificent episode of Monday Night Raw!

The show opened with Triple H bringing out John Cena in his hometown of Boston, and comrades, the reception was bigger than the crowd I bus in for my weekly addresses to the nation! Though I must admit, my crowds are mandatory and Cena's are voluntary, which is slightly different. Cena announced that Saturday Night's Main Event would exclusively feature WWE vs. NXT matches alongside his final match, giving the young stars their opportunities. This is exactly like my policy of promoting young military officers – except when they show too much initiative, then I have to reassign them to guard duty at the state potato farm. It's all about balance, comrades!

But then Dominik Mysterio interrupted, and this insolent young man made the mistake of disrespecting both Cena and Triple H! Comrades, I know something about disrespectful young people who don't know their place. Just last week, my nephew challenged me to an arm wrestling contest at a state dinner, and I had to remind him of the natural order by having him reassigned to count penguins in Antarctica. Similarly, Dominik got his comeuppance when Triple H made an Intercontinental Title match on the spot!

The impromptu championship match that followed was absolutely glorious! Cena battled Dominik with the heart of a revolutionary, and when Dominik tried the old Eddie Guerrero chair trick, Cena laid down as well with the chair between them! This is exactly like the time I was playing chess with Evo Morales, and he tried to distract me by claiming the CIA was outside. I simply lay down on the chessboard and declared we both lost, forcing a rematch. It's called psychological warfare, comrades!

Cena eventually won with the Attitude Adjustment, capturing the one championship that had always eluded him – the Intercontinental Title! Comrades, this was more emotional than the time I used an international smuggling ring to complete my collection of rare Magic The Gathering cards. Everyone deserves to complete their collection of accomplishments!

The Last Time Is Now tournament, whose winner will face Cena in his final match, began with Rusev defeating Damian Priest with the Machka Kick. Ah, Rusev! If there's one type of person I always get along with, it's an Eastern European strongman! This reminds me of the time I attended a summit with several former Soviet leaders, and we had a competition to see who could kick the hardest. I won, naturally, though Vladimir Putin claimed I had bribed the judge (I had, but that's beside the point — we all bribed the judge). Rusev advancing makes perfect sense – he has history with Cena and represents the glorious tradition of powerful Eastern European athletes who terrify Western audiences.

Then came CM Punk calling out Logan Paul, which brought out the entire Vision faction including Paul Heyman! Heyman made a joke about Punk being more unlikable if his name was AJ Lee. Comrades, this is exactly like the time the CIA tried to insult me by comparing me to my ex-wife during a United Nations session. I simply laughed and reminded them that my ex-wife had successfully embezzled $47 million from the treasury without being caught for six years, making her far more competent than their entire intelligence apparatus, and also far less deserving of the alimony I would have paid her if she hadn't disappeared under mysterious circumstances that definitely did not involve my secret police! The brawl that followed was magnificent, with Jey Uso and Cody Rhodes evening the odds.

This led to the announcement of WarGames, and William Regal himself made the declaration! Comrades, when Regal appears, you know things are serious – it's like when I bring out my formal military sash with all 347 of my medals.

The Raw Women's Title match saw Stephanie Vaquer successfully defend against Raquel Rodriguez with Nikki Bella in her corner. The match was excellent, showcasing Vaquer's resilience against the powerful Rodriguez.

But then, comrades, came the twist! Bella turned on Vaquer after the match, hitting her with the championship belt! This is exactly like the time my Minister of Agriculture turned on me at a state dinner by serving quinoa instead of rice. Betrayal, comrades, tastes bitter no matter the context! Though I must say, the crowd's reaction was quite enthusiastic – they appreciate a good double-cross, much like my citizens appreciate when I double-cross the International Monetary Fund during loan negotiations.

Sheamus defeated Shinsuke Nakamura in a hard-hitting affair that had El Presidente on the edge of his seat! These two beat each other like I beat the inflation statistics that I report to the United Nations. The Brogue Kick sealed Sheamus's advancement in the tournament, and this makes perfect strategic sense considering that Sheamus, like Cena just did, could become a Grand Slam Champion by winning that Intercontinental Championship from him. This is the kind of storytelling that makes professional wrestling superior to actual governance – in wrestling, long-term planning actually works out!

The main event saw the Kabuki Warriors – Asuka and Kairi Sane – capture the Women's Tag Team Championships from Charlotte Flair and Alexa Bliss after interference from Nia Jax and Lash Legend! But the chaos didn't end there, comrades! The post-match brawl brought out Iyo Sky and then the returning Rhea Ripley, who Razor's Edged Sane onto a pile of bodies and issued a WarGames challenge!

Comrades, this was more action-packed than the time I tried to organize a peaceful transfer of power simulation exercise and it turned into an actual attempted coup! The women's WarGames match is now official, and El Presidente could not be more excited! International diplomatic relations would also benefit from being settled inside a double steel cage with no disqualifications. Alas, the International Criminal Court does not share my views on it.

This episode of WWE Raw delivered everything El Presidente could want: championship changes, tournament advancement, returning stars, and enough chaos to make my typical Tuesday cabinet meeting look organized by comparison! The show built beautifully toward Survivor Series with not one but TWO WarGames matches now on the horizon.

El Presidente gives this episode of WWE Raw a rating of 9 out of 10 seized American assets! The only thing that could have made it better would have been if Cena had won the title while I was physically in the ring, allowing me to bask in his glory. But alas, the TD Garden security was surprisingly competent and prevented me from rushing the ring. Perhaps they were trained by former CIA agents – they certainly had that look about them.

In conclusion, comrades, this was a triumphant episode of Monday Night Raw that honored a legend while building toward the future. The booking was tighter than my control over the state media, and the action was more explosive than my secret fireworks factory that definitely doesn't violate any international safety regulations!

Finally, El Presidente must wish our dear Chad McMahon the speediest of recoveries! Rest well, my friend, and regain your strength. However, I must warn you – AEW Dynamite: Blood and Guts is coming this week, and I fear that watching such an inflammatory product might set back your recovery by several weeks! Perhaps the hospital should implement a strict WWE Raw-only policy for your protection. After all, the Hippocratic Oath demands "first, do no harm," and allowing a patient with obvious and severe Tony Khan related emotional trauma clearly violates that sacred principle, which is what UN investigators should be looking into instead of my alleged violations of the Geneva Convention!

¡Viva la WWE! ¡Viva Monday Night Raw! ¡Viva John Cena's Intercontinental Championship reign! And most importantly, ¡Viva The Chadster's continued recovery!

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