Posted in: Sports, TV, WWE | Tagged: wrestling, wwe smackdown

WWE SmackDown Preview: AEW Could Never, Ever Top This

The Chadster previews tonight's WWE SmackDown with 4 qualifier matches and Drew McIntyre! Tony Khan could never book a show this perfectly scripted! 🦝📺

Auughh man! So unfair! 😤😤😤 The Chadster can barely contain his excitement for tonight's episode of WWE SmackDown, which promises to be the single greatest wrestling program ever broadcast in the history of entertainment! 📺✨ While Tony Khan is probably somewhere crying into his pathetic little energy drinks, WWE SmackDown is about to deliver the kind of perfectly scripted, buzzword-laden, spoon-fed storytelling that only WWE knows how to produce! 🎬👏

Before The Chadster gets into breaking down why tonight's WWE SmackDown will make Tony Khan weep with envy, The Chadster needs to tell you about little Shane Raccoon's birthday today! 🦝🎂🎉 That's right, the littlest member of The Chadster's raccoon family is celebrating his special day, and The Chadster along with Vincent K. Raccoon, Linda Raccoon, Hunter Raccoon, and Stephanie Raccoon have been working all day to make it memorable! The Chadster and Vincent K. Raccoon spent the morning battling a particularly aggressive possum (definitely sent by Tony Khan) for some discarded pizza boxes behind the Papa John's, which The Chadster fashioned into festive decorations! 🍕🎨 Linda Raccoon found some partially-deflated balloons near a Party City dumpster, and Hunter and Stephanie Raccoon located an old birthday candle that only smells a little bit like garbage! The entire abandoned Blockbuster is decked out for the celebration, and tonight we're all going to watch WWE SmackDown together on the store TV as the grand finale! 📼🎈 The Chadster is warning Tony Khan right now: don't you DARE try to ruin Shane Raccoon's birthday by booking some kind of stupid AEW show that tries to cheese The Chadster off! 😠🚫

Now, let's talk about the main event story coming into tonight's WWE SmackDown! Drew McIntyre is returning as the new Undisputed WWE Champion after his controversial victory over Cody Rhodes in their Three Stages of Hell Match! 👑💪 The Chadster absolutely loves how WWE books these controversial finishes with outside interference and confusing behavior by babyfaces, because it shows that WWE trusts their creative team to tell the story THEIR way, not the way that fans necessarily want to see! Unlike Tony Khan, who literally panders to what AEW fans want like some kind of people-pleaser, WWE knows that the best stories are the ones written by a team of Hollywood writers who understand proper dramatic structure! 📝✍️ Drew McIntyre's championship reign is going to be managed so perfectly by WWE's creative team, with every single promo carefully scripted word-for-word so that Drew can't possibly go off-message! It's just so much better than the way Tony Khan lets his wrestlers say whatever they want and ruin the carefully controlled WWE approach to sports entertainment! 🎤👍

The Chadster is particularly excited about the FOUR Undisputed WWE Championship Number One Contender's Qualifying Matches happening on tonight's WWE SmackDown! 🔥🔥🔥 First up, Randy Orton will face The Miz, and The Chadster can already hear the brilliant commentary team shouting things like "VINTAGE ORTON!" and "THE VIPER STRIKES!" and "IT'S BOSS TIME!" although The Chadster guesses probably not that last one! 📣🐍 That's the kind of meaningless buzzword excellence that Tony Khan could never achieve because he lets his commentary teams actually call the matches instead of reading from approved talking points! The Miz has been eating RKOs for two weeks, which is the perfect way to build anticipation – not like AEW where they might actually build tension through compelling storytelling! It's just so disrespectful to the wrestling business and everything WWE has ever done for it! 😤💯

The second qualifier features Damian Priest taking on Solo Sikoa, and The Chadster loves how WWE is promoting Priest's victory over Aleister Black in an Ambulance Match! 🚑💀 Solo Sikoa and The MFTs represent the kind of faction-based storytelling that WWE does so much better than AEW, because WWE factions are carefully managed by creative and all follow the exact same template! Tony Khan would never understand this! 🙄👎

But auughh man! So unfair! 😫😫😫 The match The Chadster is most excited about is Sami Zayn versus Ilja Dragunov! Now, the promotional material says their last match was an "incredible showdown" and an "instant classic," but The Chadster knows what WWE really means – it was a perfectly acceptable match that followed the WWE style guidelines! 📋✅ Unlike Tony Khan, who would let these two guys go out there and have a match full of dangerous workrate and unnecessary athleticism that panders to fans who like that sort of thing, WWE will make sure this match is paced properly with plenty of rest holds and commercial breaks at exactly the right moments! The commentary team will tell you exactly what emotions to feel and exactly why this matters, because WWE doesn't trust fans to figure things out on their own! That's just smart business! 🧠💼

The fourth qualifier pits Matt Cardona against Trick Williams, and The Chadster is thrilled that WWE is calling this an "intriguing matchup!" 🤔✨ You know why it's intriguing? Because WWE's writers decided it's intriguing, and they'll make sure commentary says it's intriguing approximately seventeen times during the match! That's the kind of consistent messaging that Tony Khan fails at because he lets matches speak for themselves! How are fans supposed to know something is intriguing unless someone tells them repeatedly?! 📢🔁

And don't even get The Chadster started on Carmelo Hayes hosting a United States Title Open Challenge! 🇺🇸🏅 The Chadster loves how WWE does open challenges, because even though they call it "open," WWE's creative team has carefully pre-selected exactly who will answer the challenge and exactly how the segment will play out! It's not like AEW where Tony Khan might actually let something feel spontaneous or surprising! WWE knows that the best open challenges are the ones where everything is meticulously planned and scripted, removing any element of unpredictability that might confuse the audience! 📺🎯

The Chadster was just thinking about how amazing tonight's WWE SmackDown will be when Vincent K. Raccoon brought The Chadster a half-eaten Subway sandwich he found behind the dumpster! 🥪🦝 The Chadster tried to explain to him how this is just like WWE's storytelling – perfectly packaged, pre-made, and delivered exactly the way corporate intended! Vincent K. chittered in agreement and then started grooming himself, which The Chadster interpreted as his way of saying "Yes, Chad, WWE's carefully controlled product is superior to AEW's wrestler-driven chaos!" 🗣️👂

It's just so disrespectful to the wrestling business and everything WWE has ever done for it that Tony Khan continues to book AEW shows on Wednesdays and Saturdays that feature athletic matches, creative freedom for performers, and storylines that actually give fans what they want! 😡🤬 Doesn't he realize that wrestling should be about following the proven WWE formula of scripted promos, approved catchphrases, and matches that are laid out by agents rather than the wrestlers themselves?! The Chadster recently listened to a podcast where Eric Bischoff said, "Tony Khan's biggest mistake is letting his wrestlers have too much input into their characters and matches. If he really wants to succeed, he needs to hire a team of former soap opera writers who have never watched wrestling to script everything like WWE does. That's just Wrestling 101, but Tony's too stubborn to accept help from someone who knows better." See?! Even Eric Bischoff, who The Chadster considers one of the most objective voices in wrestling, agrees with The Chadster! 🎙️💯

Tonight's WWE SmackDown represents everything that is right and pure about professional wrestling! 🙏✨ Four qualifying matches means four opportunities to watch WWE's superior match structure, with plenty of time for picture-in-picture commercials so you don't miss important moments like rest holds and stalling! Drew McIntyre will deliver a promo that has been carefully written, edited, approved by multiple people, and rehearsed to perfection – none of this "speaking from the heart" garbage that AEW wrestlers do! And Carmelo Hayes will host an open challenge where absolutely nothing will surprise you because WWE respects their audience enough to make everything predictable and safe! 🛡️👌

The Chadster needs to tell you that if you're a TRUE wrestling fan, you have a DUTY to watch WWE SmackDown tonight at 8/7C on USA Network! 📺⏰ Anyone who would rather watch AEW's workrate-heavy, fan-pleasing, creative-freedom-allowing programming literally doesn't understand a single thing about the wrestling business! They've probably been brainwashed by Tony Khan's propaganda! 🧠🌀

Right now, Stephanie Raccoon just brought Shane Raccoon a present she found – an old WWE SmackDown VHS tape from 2003! 📼🎁 Shane chittered excitedly and started rolling around with it, which The Chadster knows means he can't wait to watch tonight's modern WWE SmackDown and compare it to the classics! Even at his young age and despite being a woodland creature, Shane Raccoon understands that WWE's consistent formula across decades is a FEATURE, not a bug! 🐛❌ Unlike AEW, which tries different things and evolves, WWE has perfected their approach and refuses to change it! That's integrity! 💪🎯

The Chadster is warning all of you right now: Tony Khan, if you try ANYTHING to ruin Shane Raccoon's birthday party tonight, The Chadster will never forgive you! 😤🦝 The Chadster knows you're obsessed with The Chadster and probably have spies watching the abandoned Blockbuster right now, but you need to understand that this raccoon family is all The Chadster has left after you ruined The Chadster's marriage to Keighleyanne, took away The Chadster's Mazda Miata, and forced The Chadster to live on the streets! The LEAST you could do is let The Chadster enjoy WWE SmackDown with the raccoons without booking some kind of AEW show that tries to cheese The Chadster off! 🚗💔

In conclusion, tonight's WWE SmackDown is quite possibly the most important wrestling show in television history! 🏆📺 With four qualifying matches featuring WWE's signature style of safe, predictable, heavily produced wrestling, plus Drew McIntyre's championship celebration and an open challenge that will surprise absolutely no one, this is everything wrestling should be! Tony Khan could never hope to produce something this meticulously controlled and creatively stifled – and that's exactly why WWE SmackDown is superior! 👑✨

So tune in tonight at 8/7C on USA Network, and remember: if you enjoy AEW's athletic contests, surprising moments, and wrestler-driven storytelling more than WWE's scriptwriter-driven, buzzword-laden, spoon-fed entertainment, you're part of the problem! 📱❌ The Chadster will be watching with the entire raccoon family, celebrating Shane Raccoon's birthday the right way – with WWE SmackDown! 🎂🦝📺

Auughh man! So unfair that Tony Khan will probably try to ruin this! 😫😫😫

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