Posted in: Sports, TV, WWE | Tagged: wrestling, wwe smackdown

WWE SmackDown Preview: Cody Rhodes, Jade Cargill, and More

El Presidente previews tonight's WWE SmackDown with Cody Rhodes, Jade Cargill, championship matches, and wishes for a speedy recovery for The Chadster!

Greetings, comrades! It is I, your El Presidente, reporting to you live from my luxurious bunker beneath the presidential palace, where I am currently enjoying a celebratory cigar after successfully nationalizing three more television networks just so I could guarantee myself uninterrupted access to WWE SmackDown!

But first, comrades, I must address a most unfortunate situation. My esteemed colleague and fellow Bleeding Cool writer, The Chadster, remains in stable condition at a local medical facility after being discovered earlier this week in what can only be described as a deeply committed viewing experience gone wrong. It seems our comrade Chad was found unresponsive with a plastic bag over his head, having attempted to enhance his WWE viewing pleasure through self-asphyxiation techniques. While El Presidente admires such dedication to the product – truly, this is the kind of commitment we encourage in our re-education camps – I must wish The Chadster a speedy recovery! Get well soon, my friend, and perhaps next time, simply increase the volume on your television instead, no?

This reminds me of the time I was watching lucha libre with my good friend Kim Jong-un, and he became so excited during a particularly thrilling title match that he passed out from holding his breath. I had to revive him with smelling salts made from confiscated American blue jeans! But I digress. Tonight's SmackDown promises to be spectacular, comrades, and that is why I am filling in for The Chadster with this preview. The capitalist pigs at the CIA tried to prevent me from watching by jamming my satellite signal, but joke's on them – I simply commandeered the broadcast tower in the neighboring country! Hahaha!

Comrades, Cody Rhodes has done it again! At Saturday Night's Main Event, The American Nightmare successfully defended his Undisputed WWE Championship against the Scottish warrior Drew McIntyre. Rhodes has proven himself to be a champion of the people – much like El Presidente himself, though I suspect Cody does not have quite as impressive a collection of golden statues of himself throughout his nation's capital.

Tonight on SmackDown, we will learn what comes next for Rhodes and his championship reign. Will a new challenger emerge from the ranks? Will an old enemy resurface? This is exactly the kind of suspenseful programming that the people need – much better than the propaganda films the CIA keeps trying to air-drop into my territory!

Ah, comrades, Jade Cargill has captured the WWE Women's Championship by defeating Tiffany Stratton at Saturday Night's Main Event! This is a glorious victory for the proletariat! Well, perhaps not literally for the proletariat, but certainly for those of us who appreciate powerful women who can destroy their enemies – El Presidente has much experience with such women, including my third wife, may she rest in peace after that unfortunate "accident" with the helicopter.

Tonight, the newly-crowned champion returns to SmackDown as champion for the first time. How will she celebrate? What will she say? Who will dare challenge her supremacy? These are the questions that keep El Presidente awake at night – well, these questions and also wondering which of my generals is plotting against me this week.

Comrades, tonight we witness Giulia defending her Women's United States Championship against the former champion Chelsea Green! This is most personal, as the two had a confrontation backstage last week that would make even my most heated cabinet meetings look tame. And believe me, comrades, when El Presidente's Minister of Finance suggests budget cuts to the state wrestling venue fund, things get VERY heated!

What makes this match even more intriguing is that if Giulia successfully retains tonight, she will become the longest-reigning Women's United States Champion in history! This is the kind of record-breaking achievement that El Presidente celebrates – much like when I broke the record for longest continuous dictatorship in my region by simply arresting the record-keeper and changing the history books!

Chelsea Green, however, is determined to prevent this milestone and reclaim her championship. The question is: can The Beautiful Madness survive this challenge, or will Green prove that experience conquers all?

The tradition of the United States Championship Open Challenge lives on with current champion Ilja Dragunov! Comrades, this is socialism in action – everyone gets an opportunity to challenge for the title! Unlike the CIA, who only gives opportunities to those who pledge allegiance to their capitalist system, Dragunov offers a fair chance to any competitor brave enough to step forward.

So far, Dragunov has successfully defended against Aleister Black and Nathan Frazer. Both men gave valiant efforts, but neither could dethrone the champion. Tonight, another mystery challenger will answer the call. Will it be someone from the existing roster? Could it be a surprise debut? This is exactly why El Presidente loves these open challenges – the element of surprise is something I greatly appreciate, though I prefer when I am the one doing the surprising, usually with my secret police!

Speaking of powerful women, comrades, tonight we will see WWE Women's Tag Team Champion Charlotte Flair square off against Nia Jax! This comes after Jax suffered a defeat at the hands of Alexa Bliss last week, where Bliss outsmarted The Irresistible Force. Now Jax seeks redemption against another decorated champion.

This reminds me of when I challenged Fidel Castro to a wrestling match during a diplomatic summit in 1987. He defeated me through cunning tactics – specifically, he distracted me by having one of his generals set off fireworks outside the ring. I demanded a rematch against his second-in-command, and I am proud to say I emerged victorious! Though admittedly, it helped that I had the referee replaced with one of my loyalists.

Can Nia Jax bounce back from her loss to Bliss, or will Charlotte Flair continue her dominance? This is a match that could have major implications for both women's championship pictures!

Finally, comrades, we have what the American wrestling fans call a "must-see matchup" between Rey Fenix and Talla Tonga! Last week, during a backstage confrontation, Fenix made the bold decision to slap Tonga across the face. Now, El Presidente knows something about slapping – I once slapped the American Ambassador so hard during trade negotiations that he spun around three times before falling into the punch bowl! But I digress once again.

Tonight, these two warriors will settle their differences in the ring. Fenix is known for his incredible aerial abilities and lucha libre style, while Tonga is a massive powerhouse. Can the high-flying Fenix topple the tree-like Tonga? Or will size and strength prevail over speed and agility? This is the kind of David versus Goliath story that El Presidente loves, though in my country's version of that story, David works for the CIA and must be imprisoned for treason!

Comrades, you can witness all of this glorious sports entertainment action tonight on WWE SmackDown at 8 PM Eastern Time, 7 PM Central Time on the USA Network!

If you are having trouble accessing the broadcast – perhaps because you live in a country with oppressive television restrictions (I would know nothing about this, of course) – I recommend simply commandeering your local broadcast facility and demanding they air WWE programming. It has worked for El Presidente many times!

And remember, comrades, while you are enjoying SmackDown tonight, spare a thought for our fallen colleague The Chadster, who took his WWE fandom to dangerous extremes. Let his unfortunate incident be a lesson to us all: there are safer ways to enhance your viewing experience, such as the method El Presidente uses – watching while surrounded by armed guards who are required to cheer at all the appropriate moments!

Until next time, comrades, this is El Presidente saying: Long live WWE, long live SmackDown, and may The Chadster's recovery be swift so he can return to writing these previews himself! Though between you and me, I think I am doing a magnificent job – perhaps even better than The Chadster himself! But do not tell him I said that, or he might have another incident! ¡Viva la revolución! ¡Viva WWE!

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