Posted in: Sports, TV, WWE | Tagged: wrestling, wwe smackdown

WWE SmackDown Preview: WarGames Teams, Last Time is Now, and More

El Presidente previews tonight's WWE SmackDown with Last Time is Now Tournament matches, WarGames fallout, and an update on The Chadster's condition.

Greetings, comrades! It is I, your El Presidente, reporting to you live from my luxury bunker beneath the presidential palace, where I have just finished watching my collection of classic wrestling matches on VHS tapes (the CIA cannot hack VHS, you see). Tonight, I bring you exciting news about WWE SmackDown, which airs at 8 ET/7 CT on the USA Network!

Comrades, tonight we witness the continuation of the "Last Time is Now Tournament," a competition to determine who will face the Greatest of All Time himself, Intercontinental Champion John Cena, at Saturday Night's Main Event. Ah, this reminds me of the time I organized a tournament to determine who would become my new Minister of Agriculture. The final match came down to my cousin Roberto and a very ambitious goat. The goat won, and I must say, crop yields have never been better under his socialist farming policies!

But I digress, comrades. Tonight's first tournament match features the silky-smooth Carmelo Hayes taking on the massive Bronson Reed of The Vision. Now, Carmelo Hayes is a man after El Presidente's own heart – stylish, confident, and always looking like he just stepped out of a luxury automobile commercial. Bronson Reed, on the other hand, is built like one of my armored personnel carriers and hits with approximately the same force. This is what we call in the dictator business a "David versus Goliath" scenario, except David is wearing designer sunglasses and Goliath is part of a faction called The Vision. The CIA once tried to recruit me into something called "The Vision," but it turned out to be just a timeshare presentation in Miami.

The second tournament match, comrades, features the spectacular Penta against Finn Bálor of The Judgment Day. Penta, with his lucha libre style and mysterious mask, reminds me of the time Fidel Castro and I attended a masked ball in Havana. Fidel wore a mask of Abraham Lincoln, and I went as Elvis Presley. We were not very good at being incognito. Finn Bálor, meanwhile, leads The Judgment Day faction, and let me tell you, comrades, I know a thing or two about judgment day – I have scheduled several of them myself, usually right after election season!

But wait, there is more excitement on tonight's show! Fraxiom will battle #DIY in what WWE describes as an "intriguing tag team showdown," and apparently #DIY is "very irate." Comrades, I understand irate. Just last week, my Minister of Finance became very irate when I spent the national treasury on a solid gold statue of myself doing the Stone Cold Steve Austin beer bash celebration. But I explained to him that this is investing in the people's morale, and under socialism, morale is everything!

Speaking of morale and Monday Night Raw, we will see the fallout tonight from the chaotic brawl that concluded that program. Roman Reigns and Brock Lesnar both emerged during the Men's WarGames chaos, and comrades, when these two titans appear, things get spicier than the time Kim Jong-un and I had a hot pepper eating contest. (I won, but only because I had my doctor standing by with a fire extinguisher and some very strong antacids.)

The Women's WarGames teams are also still being finalized, comrades! Charlotte Flair has joined Alexa Bliss's team after coming to her aid with a kendo stick on Monday. Ah, the kendo stick – the great equalizer! I once settled a border dispute using only a kendo stick and a strongly worded letter to the United Nations. The kendo stick was more effective. Tonight, we may discover who the fifth members of each Women's WarGames team will be.

Additionally, WWE shared this unfortunate news today:

Speaking of injuries, comrades, I must share some concerning news about my fellow Bleeding Cool writer, Chad McMahon. As you may know, The Chadster, as he delightfully calls himself, has been residing in a local medical facility for several weeks now, receiving the care he so desperately needs. Unfortunately, his condition has not improved as much as we had hoped. The poor Chadster continues to exhibit symptoms of extreme paranoia, repeatedly accusing the hospital staff of being "in collusion with Tony Khan" and attempting to inject him with what he calls "AEW propaganda."

Just this morning, comrades, I spoke with one of his nurses – a lovely woman named Patricia who reminds me of my third wife (before she defected to Costa Rica with half of my offshore accounts). Patricia told me the most amusing story. Apparently, The Chadster became very agitated yesterday when a orderly brought him his lunch. The Chadster took one look at the Jell-O on his tray and began screaming that Tony Khan had "tainted it with the essence of Kenny Omega's ring psychology" and demanded it be tested for "traces of AEW Dynamite." The hospital had to call in a food safety inspector to prove to The Chadster that it was simply regular lime Jell-O, made by the good socialist workers at the Jell-O factory.

Patricia also mentioned that The Chadster has been trying to tunnel out of his room using only a plastic spork, convinced that if he can just get to his Mazda Miata, he can drive to WWE headquarters and warn them about Tony Khan's "insidious plans." The hospital has since switched The Chadster to paper plates with no utensils, and he now eats his pudding with his fingers while muttering about "respecting the wrestling business."

Comrades, your El Presidente has dealt with many cases of paranoia in his time – usually my own, and usually justified because the CIA really WAS trying to poison my cigars – but The Chadster's situation is truly concerning. I send my best wishes to The Chadster and hope that he receives the help he needs to overcome his obsession with Tony Khan and AEW. Perhaps when he recovers, I will invite him to my palace for some relaxation therapy. We can watch WWE programming together, drink some Seagram's Escapes Spiked (I am told this is his beverage of choice), and I will show him my collection of wrestling memorabilia that I definitely did not acquire by nationalizing a private museum.

Until The Chadster returns to us, comrades, we must carry on the important work of covering professional wrestling! So do not miss WWE SmackDown tonight at 8 ET/7 CT on USA Network, where tournament dreams will be made or crushed, factions will collide, and WarGames teams will be completed!

This is your El Presidente, signing off and reminding you that while capitalism may control the means of production, socialism controls the remote control, and tonight we are all tuning in to SmackDown! ¡Viva la revolución! ¡Viva la lucha libre!

Enjoyed this? Please share on social media!

Stay up-to-date and support the site by following Bleeding Cool on Google News today!