Posted in: Sports, TV, WWE | Tagged: wrestling, wwe smackdown

WWE SmackDown Review: Champion Crowned, Superstar Suspended

El Presidente reviews WWE SmackDown with a new Women's US Champion, Drew McIntyre suspended, and anarchy in the main event! Plus, get well soon Chadster!

Greetings, comrades! It is I, your El Presidente, reporting to you live from my presidential yacht anchored just outside international waters, where I am safely beyond the reach of both the CIA and my creditors! I come to you today with another spectacular WWE SmackDown review, filling in once again for my esteemed colleague The Chadster, who I am pleased to report is showing signs of improvement at his medical facility. The nurses tell me he has regained enough strength to complain about AEW and demand the addition of Seagram's Escapes Spiked in his IV, which is truly a positive sign! Get well soon, comrade Chad, though I must say, perhaps experimenting with autoerotic asphyxiation while watching WWE programming is taking one's dedication a bit too far, no?

This reminds me of the time I was watching wrestling with my good friend Muammar Gaddafi back in 2009, and he became so excited during a cage match that he accidentally swallowed his gold medallion and I had to perform the Heimlich maneuver! But I digress, comrades. Tonight's WWE SmackDown from Greenville, South Carolina was absolutely magnificent, and I shall tell you all about it!

The show opened with Cody Rhodes celebrating his victory over Drew McIntyre at Saturday Night's Main Event, and comrades, this is exactly the kind of championship leadership we need! Rhodes challenged anyone to come face him, and Aleister Black answered the call! This is reminiscent of when I announced an open challenge to any citizen who disagreed with my economic policies – though in my case, those who answered mysteriously disappeared. But that is beside the point! A main event was set, and anticipation filled the air like the smoke from a freshly fired tank!

The evening's first match featured Ilja Dragunov defending his United States Championship in another glorious open challenge! DIY answered, but in a twist that would make even my Minister of Propaganda jealous, Tommaso Ciampa volunteered his partner Johnny Gargano to compete instead! Ah, comrades, this is the kind of internal party conflict I deal with daily! Dragunov ultimately retained his championship with the H Bomb after approximately eleven minutes of thrilling action. This reminds me of when I forced my Finance Minister to compete in a strongman competition against my Agriculture Minister to determine who would get the larger budget – spoiler alert, they both lost and I kept the money for myself! Hahaha!

The most intriguing development here, comrades, is the tension between Dragunov and Ciampa. This is exactly the kind of slow-burning storyline that El Presidente appreciates – much like the slow-burning fuse on the explosives I planted beneath the American Embassy! (The CIA is still looking for those, by the way.)

Later in the evening, we witnessed Charlotte Flair facing the mighty Nia Jax in what can only be described as a battle of titans! Alexa Bliss accompanied Charlotte to ringside, showing the solidarity that I always appreciate – unless it's solidarity among my political opponents, in which case it must be crushed immediately! The match was going magnificently until Lash Legend from NXT appeared and attacked Bliss at ringside! This distraction allowed Jax to hit the Annihilator and secure victory after about ten minutes of combat!

Comrades, this is the kind of political maneuvering I employ constantly! Just last week, I distracted the United Nations inspector with a mariachi band while my generals moved our "agricultural equipment" (which may or may not have been missile launchers) to a secure location! The formation of this alliance between Jax and Legend is most intriguing – two powerhouses joining forces to dominate the women's division! This is exactly why I formed my alliance with several other dictators to create the "Definitely Not Evil Leaders of Totally Democratic Nations" coalition!

But wait, comrades! There was more activity in the women's division! Chelsea Green challenged Giulia for the Women's United States Championship in what turned out to be a very brief encounter! Green, with assistance from Alba Fyre and some creative use of the ring ropes, rolled up Giulia to recapture the championship in lrdd than two minutes!

Now, some might say this was too short for a championship match, but El Presidente disagrees! Sometimes the quickest path to power is the best path – I once overthrew an entire government in under three minutes using nothing but a megaphone and seventeen loyal soldiers! Giulia's reign was respectable, but Green has been on fire lately, and sometimes in wrestling, just like in politics, you must strike when the opportunity presents itself! This is the kind of opportunistic thinking that has kept El Presidente in power for decades!

In another thrilling contest, Talla Tonga absolutely demolished Rey Fenix after the rest of the MFT's were lured away by the Motor City Machine Guns and Shinsuke Nakamura! This was a classic David versus Goliath story, except in this version, Goliath won decisively with a chokeslam after nine minutes! Comrades, this is the kind of dominance I display when dealing with rebel factions – overwhelming force applied with precision! Though I must admit, I felt some sympathy for Fenix, as I know what it is like to be betrayed by one's allies. Just ask my former Vice President, who is now enjoying a lengthy "vacation" at our national re-education center!

After the match, Tonga continued his assault, but Sami Zayn made the save with a chair! This creates an interesting dynamic, as Zayn had been forbidden by Nick Aldis from interfering earlier in the show! Ah, comrades, this is just like when I told my Chief of Military Operations not to stage a coup while I was away on vacation, but he attempted one anyway! Though in that case, it worked out less favorably for him than it did for Zayn. Much less favorably.

The main event, comrades, was the clash between Cody Rhodes and Aleister Black in a non-title match! These two warriors put on an impressive display of technical prowess and hard-hitting action for approximately ten minutes! They were trading advantage back and forth like I trade political prisoners with neighboring countries! But just as things were reaching their climax, Drew McIntyre appeared and Claymored the referee! The audacity! The chaos! The complete disregard for authority! It brings a tear to El Presidente's eye!

Damian Priest then rushed to Rhodes' aid, creating a magnificent brawl that ended with the match being declared a no contest! This is the kind of anarchic energy that reminds me of cabinet meetings after I announce budget cuts to everyone except my personal yacht maintenance fund! But comrades, the real story here is that McIntyre was suspended by Nick Aldis to close the show! This is excellent authority being displayed – though I must say, when El Presidente "suspends" someone, they tend to stay suspended for much, much longer. Sometimes permanently.

We also learned of two matches for the Last Time Is Now tournament honoring John Cena's retirement: The Miz will face Jey Uso, and LA Knight will face a mystery opponent! Comrades, I love a good mystery opponent reveal – it is almost as exciting as when I reveal which of my advisors has been secretly working for the CIA! (Spoiler: it is usually all of them.)

There were also several backstage segments on WWE SmackDown last night that advanced various storylines, including Jade Cargill making her first appearance as the new Women's Champion, R-Truth attempting to enter the tournament (while literally putting his balls in Aldis' hands – a power move if El Presidente has ever seen one!), and the continued tension between various factions. Also, Asuka returned to mist Charlotte Flair in a most dastardly attack! This is the kind of chemical warfare that the Geneva Convention specifically prohibits, but in wrestling, it is perfectly legal! If only international relations worked the same way, comrades!

Overall, this was a magnificent episode of WWE SmackDown, full of the chaos, excitement, and political maneuvering that El Presidente loves! Multiple championship changes, new alliances formed, old rivalries reignited, and suspensions handed out – it was like watching a compressed version of my entire political career, but with better production values and fewer attempted assassinations!

As I sign off tonight, comrades, I raise my glass of confiscated American bourbon to The Chadster's continued recovery. May he soon return to his duties, though I must say, I have thoroughly enjoyed filling in for him! Perhaps when he returns, we can co-write some articles together? Or perhaps The Chadster would like to visit my country for a "working vacation" where he definitely would not be held against his will? Just a thought!

Until next time, comrades, this is El Presidente saying: Long live WWE SmackDown, long live professional wrestling, and remember – whether in the ring or in politics, always watch your back, never trust the CIA, and when in doubt, mist your opponents in the face! ¡Viva la revolución! ¡Viva WWE!

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