Posted in: Sports, TV, WWE | Tagged: recaps, wrestling, wwe smackdown

WWE SmackDown Review: The Last Time is Woo Woo Woo

El Presidente reviews WWE SmackDown's tournament action, WarGames chaos, and provides updates on The Chadster's ongoing mental health crisis.

Greetings, comrades! It is I, your El Presidente, reporting to you live from the luxurious solarium of my private bunker, where I am recovering from a strenuous evening of watching WWE SmackDown while simultaneously avoiding three separate CIA extraction teams. What a glorious night of sports entertainment it was!

But first, comrades, I must provide an update on my dear colleague, Chad McMahon, who remains impris– er, held for observation at a local medical facility after being found on the floor with a plastic bag over his head from trying to enhance his viewing of WWE Raw. My sources inside the medical facility inform me that this morning, The Chadster was found trying to escape through the air conditioning ducts, claiming that Tony Khan had replaced all the hospital staff with AEW wrestlers in disguise. The orderlies discovered him wedged in a ventilation shaft, muttering something about "disrespecting the business" and demanding his prescription boofed Seagram's Escapes Spiked. Comrades, I must say this with all sincerity: it is okay for styles of wrestling that one does not prefer to exist! And more importantly, one should never, EVER boof flavored alcoholic beverages! I learned this lesson back in 2008 when Hugo Chávez and I attempted such foolishness, and we both ended up requiring medical attention. The Chadster needs our thoughts and prayers as he receives the psychiatric help he so desperately requires.

But onwards to last night's WWE SmackDown, comrades!

The show opened with drama in the Women's WarGames division, as Rhea Ripley and Iyo Sky assembled their team, only to have Charlotte dramatically quit! Comrades, this reminds me of the time I was forming a coalition government and my Minister of Agriculture walked out because she said I was "a snake who couldn't be trusted." I mean, yes, I had secretly sold all the state-owned farmland to a shell corporation I controlled, but that's hardly relevant to teamwork! Charlotte's departure leaves Ripley scrambling for a replacement, much like when the CIA tried to replace me with a body double in 2012. It didn't work then, and I suspect Ripley will find a suitable replacement soon.

The first tournament match saw Jey Uso defeat The Miz in the Last Time Is Now Tournament, and what a match it was! Uso hit a spear and Splash to advance, comrades. The Miz reminds me so much of my old friend Silvio Berlusconi – always well-dressed, always promoting himself, and somehow still relevant despite everyone knowing he's past his prime. Berlusconi once told me during a G20 summit that the secret to longevity is "showmanship and expensive hair products." The Miz clearly subscribes to this philosophy, but alas, it was not enough against the revolutionary spirit of Jey Uso!

Ilja Dragunov successfully defended his United States Championship against Axiom in what can only be described as a brutal display of socialist superiority! Dragunov hit the Torpedo Moscow and H Bomb to retain, comrades. This is exactly the kind of championship reign that makes the CIA nervous – a strong leader who cannot be defeated, who crushes all challengers with extreme prejudice. I once explained my own electoral strategy to Vladimir Putin using professional wrestling terms, and he said, "El Presidente, you should have been a booker." High praise, comrades!

After the match, Tommaso Ciampa attacked Axiom, showing that #DIY is not content to wait for their opportunity. This is revolutionary action, comrades! It reminds me of when I staged my first coup – you cannot wait for opportunities to be handed to you; you must seize them with violence! The CIA training manual actually warns against this kind of proactive aggression, which is precisely why it works so well.

Sami Zayn delivered a passionate promo demanding a match with Solo Sikoa, and comrades, this is the kind of righteous fury that inspires me! Zayn announced he is medically cleared and brought backup in the form of Shinsuke Nakamura, the Motor City Machine Guns, and Rey Fenix! The ensuing brawl was magnificent, like the time Fidel Castro and I got into a heated debate about baseball at a diplomatic dinner that turned into a food fight involving twelve ambassadors and the Swedish Prime Minister. Nick Aldis then made a traditional Survivor Series elimination match for the SmackDown before Survivor Series, which is excellent booking, comrades!

The second tournament match brought a wonderful surprise – LA Knight faced Zack Ryder! Or as I know him, the man who once got over with the internet! Comrades, Ryder's return was like when my former Minister of Tourism tried to return to politics after I had exiled him to a remote island. Noble effort, respectful nod to the past, but ultimately unsuccessful. Knight won with the BFT to advance, and all was right in the world. I must say, I respect Ryder's entrepreneurial spirit – he has turned his wrestling fame into a successful toy business, much like how I turned my presidential palace into a profitable Airbnb when the CIA froze my overseas bank accounts in 2016.

Jade Cargill absolutely demolished B-Fab in a non-title match, hitting two powerbombs and Jaded for the victory. Comrades, Cargill is an intimidating presence! She reminds me of my former head of security, a woman we called "The Compactor" because of what she did to CIA operatives who infiltrated the palace. Michin came out to check on B-Fab afterward, showing some intriguing tension for the Women's United States Championship picture.

The main event saw Cody Rhodes defend the WWE SmackDown World Title against Bronson Reed with Paul Heyman in Reed's corner. The match ended in disqualification when Bron Breakker attacked Rhodes, which led to an all-out assault! Logan Paul joined in, then the Usos tried to make the save, but Drew McIntyre – supposedly suspended – ran in to attack as well! Comrades, this was chaos of the highest order! It was like the time Kim Jong-un and I attended a United Nations cocktail party and started a diplomatic incident by challenging the French delegation to a dance-off that somehow escalated into an international crisis requiring three Security Council meetings to resolve.

This is how you build to WarGames! The heels stood tall with the WWE Champion demolished, sending a clear message about the balance of power. In my experience, standing tall after a beatdown is 80% of dictatorship – the other 20% is controlling the media narrative, which is why I'm grateful to be writing for Bleeding Cool instead of letting the CIA-controlled mainstream wrestling media tell this story!

WWE SmackDown also announced next week's tournament matches: Carmelo Hayes vs. Bronson Reed, and Penta vs. Finn Balor! Comrades, Penta in the tournament is like when I allowed an opposition candidate to run against me in 2018 – it adds legitimacy to the proceedings while we all know who is really in control. Just kidding, comrades! Democracy is beautiful, which is why WWE SmackDown lets the fans vote with their cheers for who advances!

In conclusion, comrades, last night's WWE SmackDown was a triumph of sports entertainment! The Last Time Is Now Tournament is heating up, the road to WarGames is paved with chaos, and championships are being defended with honor and brutality! This is the kind of television programming that makes me proud to be a fan of American pop culture, despite my ongoing conflicts with American intelligence agencies!

Now if you'll excuse me, comrades, I must return to my security briefings. My intelligence chief just informed me that The Chadster has been moved to a more secure wing of the medical facility after he tried to convince a nurse that the hospital's cafeteria food was "Tony Khan's way of poisoning WWE fans."

¡Viva la WWE SmackDown! ¡Viva la lucha libre! And may The Chadster find the peace and mental clarity he so desperately needs!

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