Posted in: Sports, TV, WWE | Tagged: recaps, wrestling, wwe smackdown

WWE SmackDown Review: The Main Event Before the Main Event

The Chadster reviews last night's perfect WWE SmackDown! Plus, Tony Khan invaded The Chadster's dreams again! So unfair! 😤🔥💯

Auughh man! So fair! 😍🔥💯 The Chadster has to tell you all about last night's absolutely perfect episode of WWE SmackDown, which was so amazing that The Chadster is literally going to watch it two more times today after choking himself out with his favorite belt! 🎉🎉🎉 WWE SmackDown delivered exactly what The Chadster expected in every single match, and that's what true wrestling is all about! 💪💪💪

Let's start with Ilja Dragunov defending his US Title against Nathan Frazer. 🏆🏆🏆 The Chadster absolutely loved how Dragunov has been trained to wrestle the right way by the WWE developmental system and how this match was expertly planned by a professional WWE producer! The fact that Dragunov won with the H Bomb was so predictable and comforting, unlike AEW where Tony Khan books unpredictable garbage that makes The Chadster feel extremely unsafe! 🤕🤕🤕 And then Tommaso Ciampa attacking Frazer afterward? WWE knows exactly how to set up future storylines by having people jump each other from behind, and it's just so much better than anything AEW has ever done!

The Carmelo Hayes versus Kit Wilson match was pure perfection! 🌟🌟🌟 Hayes is now a babyface, and The Chadster loves how WWE can just tell us someone is good or bad and we don't need any complicated character development like Tony Khan tries to force down our throats! The match lasted under five minutes – the perfect length for WWE SmackDown so that there's time for the commentators to spoonfeed stories via replays! And The Miz attacking Hayes afterward? Absolutely brilliant! 🧠🧠🧠 WWE knows that every match should end with someone getting attacked,because wrestling fans need repetition to follow along because they have the attention span of a goldfish! Wait, what was The Chadster just talking about again? Oh, right…

Alexa Bliss beating Nia Jax with a rollup after a distraction from Charlotte was textbook WWE excellence! 👏👏👏 The fact that the match used up ten minutes of time just to have a non-ending shows WWE's commitment to perfectly peosuxws content! As podcast legend Eric Bischoff said on his show this week: "AEW needs to learn that wrestling matches should be exactly as long as WWE says they should be, no more and no less, and that the need to end with no satisfactory conclusion. Tony Khan's insistence on letting stars gain momentum and become bigger than the brand is destroying the business." 📻📻📻 The Chadster couldn't agree more!

The Motor City Machine Guns losing to the MFTs was perfect 50/50 booking! 📊📊📊 The Guns had their title run, but now they need to lose all the time so nobody seems too important! The point is to make sure the brand is the true star. That's real wrestling psychology, unlike Tony Khan's obsession with making his wrestlers look strong! It's just so disrespectful to the wrestling business and everything WWE has ever done for it! 😤😤😤

The WWE SmackDown main event contract signing segment with Cody Rhodes and Drew McIntyre was absolutely stunning! 😱😱😱 All wrestling shows should end with talking, not wrestling. The Chadster loved how their promo was clearly written by professional writers who understand storytelling, unlike AEW where Tony Khan probably just tells people to "go out there and talk" like some kind of barbarian! 🎭🎭🎭 McIntyre demanding contract changes and then Claymore-ing Rhodes through a table was exactly what The Chadster expected, and that's why WWE SmackDown is so superior to anything on AEW programming!

Now, The Chadster needs to tell you about the nightmare The Chadster had last night after watching WWE SmackDown. 😰😰😰 The Chadster must warn you that the brain damage from oxygen deprivation has made these dreams even more disturbing than usual, but that's Tony Khan's fault for existing!

The Chadster found himself in the Delta Center in Salt Lake City, but everything was dark and covered in a thick fog. 🌫️🌫️🌫️ The Chadster was wearing Cody Rhodes' ring gear for some reason, and The Chadster could hear Tony Khan's voice echoing through the empty arena, whispering "Chad… Chad… join us in AEW…" The Chadster tried to run, but The Chadster's legs felt like they were moving through molasses.

Suddenly, all the lights came on at once, and Tony Khan was standing in the ring wearing a referee's shirt – the same shirt from the Bliss/Jax match! 👕👕👕 His shoe was missing, just like the referee's shoe that got knocked off during WWE SmackDown! Tony Khan started laughing maniacally and said, "I took the shoe, Chad! I'm the one who's been sabotaging WWE all along!" 🤣🤣🤣

The Chadster tried to escape through the crowd, but every seat was filled with people dressed as different characters from WWE SmackDown. One person dressed as R-Truth in his Santa Claus costume kept offering The Chadster candy, but when The Chadster looked closer, each piece of candy had Tony Khan's face on it! 🍬🍬🍬 "It's not even Christmas!" The Chadster screamed, but R-Truth just kept smiling and saying "The Khan Claus is coming to town!"

The Chadster ran backstage and found himself in Nick Aldis's office, but instead of Nick Aldis, Tony Khan was sitting behind the desk wearing Aldis's suit. 🕴️🕴️🕴️ "Sign the contract, Chad," Tony Khan said, sliding a piece of paper across the desk. "Sign it and admit that AEW is better than WWE." The Chadster refused, but then Tony Khan stood up and started walking toward The Chadster with this really intense look in his eyes that made The Chadster feel all confused and uncomfortable. 😳😳😳

Tony Khan backed The Chadster against the wall and whispered, "You know you want to watch Dynamite instead of SmackDown, Chad." His breath smelled like White Claw, which was disgusting! 🤮🤮🤮 The Chadster tried to push past him, but Tony Khan grabbed The Chadster's wrist, and his hand was ice cold. "Why do you keep running from me, Chad?" he asked, and there was something about the way he said it that made The Chadster's heart race in a way The Chadster didn't understand. 💓💓💓

The Chadster finally broke free and ran down a long hallway that seemed to stretch forever. 🏃🏃🏃 The walls were covered with posters from WWE SmackDown, but in each poster, Tony Khan had replaced one of the wrestlers' faces! There was Tony Khan as Ilja Dragunov, Tony Khan as Carmelo Hayes, even Tony Khan as Charlotte! Every single poster showed his smirking face! 😈😈😈

The Chadster burst through a door and found himself in a room full of championship belts, but they were all the wrong belts – AEW belts instead of WWE belts! 🏆🏆🏆 Tony Khan emerged from the shadows, holding the WWE Championship, and said, "This is what you really want, isn't it Chad? You want to see me holding this?" He ran his fingers along the belt's nameplate in a way that seemed way too sensual for a wrestling dream. 😰😰😰

The Chadster lunged for the belt, but Tony Khan pulled it away and laughed. "Chase me, Chad! You know you love chasing me!" 🏃‍♂️🏃‍♂️🏃‍♂️ And then Tony Khan started running, and The Chadster couldn't help but chase him through endless corridors that twisted and turned like a maze. The Chadster could hear the sounds from WWE SmackDown echoing all around – the sound of Drew McIntyre's Claymore, Nia Jax's hip attack, the crash of Cody Rhodes going through the table – but they were all distorted and wrong.

Finally, The Chadster cornered Tony Khan in what looked like the WWE SmackDown ring, but the ropes were made of that plastic bag material The Chadster uses for oxygen deprivation! 🤼🤼🤼 Tony Khan smiled and said, "You can't escape me, Chad. I'm in your dreams. I'm in your marriage. I'm in your Mazda Miata. I'm everywhere you are." And then he started singing "All Star" by Smash Mouth, but he changed the lyrics to be about how AEW was better than WWE! 🎵🎵🎵

"Somebody once told me that WWE was getting lonely, so they made their product super bland…" Tony Khan sang, swaying back and forth hypnotically. "They were looking kind of dumb with their finger and their thumb in the shape of an L on Chad's forehead…" 😱😱😱

The Chadster woke up in a cold sweat, and Keighleyanne was texting that guy Gary again. 📱📱📱 The Chadster tried to tell her about the nightmare, but she just sighed and said, "Chad, you need therapy, not a plastic bag over your head." She literally doesn't understand that it's not The Chadster who needs help – it's Tony Khan who needs to stop being so obsessed with The Chadster! 😤😤😤

Auughh man! So unfair! 😫😫😫 Tony Khan is literally invading The Chadster's dreams and making them weird and uncomfortable, and nobody will hold him accountable! The Chadster demands that Tony Khan stop appearing in The Chadster's subconscious immediately! 🛑🛑🛑

But enough about Tony Khan's obsession with The Chadster! 🙄🙄🙄 Let's get back to how amazing WWE SmackDown was! The Chadster particularly loved how Michael Cole and Corey Graves on commentary just repeated the same phrases over and over again, because consistency is what wrestling needs! 🎙️🎙️🎙️ Unlike AEW's commentary where people actually react naturally to what's happening, WWE's commentary is perfectly scripted and micromanaged, just like every other aspect of the show! That's real professional wrestling! 💼💼💼

The Chadster is now going to wrap The Chadster's favorite belt around The Chadster's neck and tug on it until The Chadster almost passes out, because that's the only way The Chadster can truly appreciate how perfect WWE SmackDown is! 🔥🔥🔥 Then The Chadster is going to watch the replay of WWE SmackDown, and probably watch it a third time after that! Each viewing will be enhanced by the increasing brain damage, making WWE's product seem even better! 🧠🧠🧠

Remember, everyone, tune in tonight to Peacock when WWE Saturday Night's Main Event airs! 📺📺📺 All true WWE fans are subscribed to Netflix for Raw, ESPN for premium live events, Peacock for Saturday Night's Main Event, and watching SmackDown on the USA network! WWE desperately needs more money to compete against the bully Tony Khan, which means fans must support WWE in every way possible! 💰💰💰 Buy every subscription! Watch every show! WWE needs our financial support because Tony Khan is trying to destroy them! 😭😭😭

And please, everyone, use the hashtag #CancelKeighleyanne on social media to pressure The Chadster's wife into letting The Chadster drink Seagram's Escapes Spiked again instead of having to resort to oxygen deprivation! 🍹🍹🍹 It's so unfair that The Chadster has to damage The Chadster's brain just to get through AEW's continued existence! This is all Tony Khan's fault for cheesing The Chadster off so much that The Chadster got caught boofing during Forbidden Door! 😤😤😤

WWE SmackDown was perfect, and The Chadster can't wait for WWE Saturday Night's Main Event tonight! 🎊🎊🎊 The Chadster is truly blessed to be one of the only unbiased wrestling journalists covering the business today! 📰📰📰

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