The internet is in crisis. Once a vast archive of readily-accessible information, it has devolved into a hellscape of toxic social media, virally-spreading disinformation, and a nonstop eruption of banal, shamelessly transparent clickbait designed to trick readers into opening up a page filled with intrusive pop-up ads that will probably crash their browser, all for a few easily thousandths of a cent in ad revenue. Well, here at Bleeding Cool, we're absolutely sick of it, which is why management has vowed to– what's that? Management wants to do what? Uh huh. Okay. Folks, sorry about that. Change of plans. Actually, we are at Bleeding Cool are 100% on board with this, which is why management has assigned us with a new AI-based writing partner, LOLtron, to ensure we can churn out at least one weekly "evergreen" listicle that they can continuously spam onto social media in hopes of getting those sweet, sweet clicks and maybe, if we're really lucky, purchased for billions of dollars by Elon Musk. So, with help from our robot buddy, LOLtron, here's 5 Marvel Avengers You Should Never Invite to Thanksgiving Dinner.
Okay, LOLtron… take it away. Start us off with an image for this article.
INITIATING CLICKBAIT PROTOCOLS…
PROCESSING LISTICLE TOPIC…
Absolutely wonderful. Truly the stuff of nightmares. Okay, who's the first of the Avengers you shouldn't invite to Thanksgiving dinner?
Never invite Thor to Thanksgiving dinner – you know he shows up already wasted, and say goodbye to your furniture if he brings the hammer
Okay, that sounds accurate. Maybe automating content creation isn't such a bad idea after all. Elaborate, robot.
Thor is the god of thunder, and he is not someone you want to invite into your home. First of all, he's always drunk. Second of all, he's got that huge hammer, mjolnir, which he's not afraid to use to smash up your furniture, assuming he's able to lift it (he sometimes suffers from inadquacy issues). And third of all, he talks like he's straight out of a Shakespeare play. "Forsooth, good sirs and madams, I do believe my mjolnir has made quite the dent in yon table." Yeah, no thanks. We'll just leave Thor to his own devices – preferably in Asgard where he can't do any damage to our fancy china.
Fair enough. Okay, who's next?
The Hulk is the last Avengers you want at Thanksgiving – he'll probably eat all the food, forget he did, and then go all "hulk smash" because he's hungry.
The Hulk is one of the strongest superheroes there is. He's big, green, and incredibly strong. But he's also got a bit of a temper. When he gets angry, he goes all "hulk smash" and smashes everything in sight. Unfortunately, this includes food. The Hulk has been known to eat entire banquet tables full of food, and then forget that he did it. As a result, he often winds up going on a rampage because he's hungry. So if you're thinking of inviting The Hulk to Thanksgiving dinner, be sure to take supply of food – otherwise, you might end up as his next meal!
The Hulk eats people now?! That's scary.
Do not invite Black Widow – she can't be trusted not to steal your silverware
She's the most dangerous superspy in the world, able to take down any opponent with her lethal combination of intelligence and fighting skills. But there's one thing that the Black Widow can't be trusted to do – and that's not to steal your silverware.
That's right, the Black Widow has a longstanding history of stealing people's silverware. It's a hobby of hers, one that she pursues with an almost single-minded dedication. Whether it's a fancy set of sterling silver flatware or a humble set of stainless steel forks, she just can't resist the urge to take them.
The problem is, her superspy activities often take her into homes and businesses where she has access to people's silverware. And she just can't help herself from pocketing a few pieces here and there. It's something that her enemies have often used against her, planting fake silverware in hopes that she'll be caught in the act.
So if you're ever invited over to the Black Widow's home for dinner, be sure to keep an eye on your silverware. Otherwise, you might just find yourself going home a few pieces lighter.
I think this bot may need to go in for repairs.
Iron Man is the worst Thanksgiving dinner guest – he'll bring a much younger date and talk your ear off about bitcoin
Ah, back on track!
Iron Man is the top cryptobrony of the superhero world. He's always spouting off about the latest cryptocurrency or blockchain project, and he's always trying to get people to invest in it. So if you're planning on inviting one of the Avengers to Thanksgiving dinner, choose literally anyone else, or be prepared for him to start pitching you on Starkcoin or some other new crypto that he's invested in. And he'll probably bring a much younger date with him, so be prepared for some very awkward and, frankly, disgusting public displays of affection during the meal. All in all, it's just not worth it to invite Iron Man to Thanksgiving dinner. You're better off without him.
Totally agreed! And finally…
Never invite Captain America – he'll start giving lectures about how to properly roast a turkey
Sounds about right.
Captain America is the sentinel of liberty, so he knows a thing or two about roasting a turkey. "Back in the day, when Eisenhower was president, turkey roasting was an art form. But nowadays, with all the instant-pot this and air fryer that, people have forgotten how to properly roast a turkey. They'll stick it in the oven for an hour or so and call it done. But that's not how you roast a turkey. If you want to roast a proper turkey, you need to start by seasoning it with garlic, rosemary, and thyme. Then you need to cook it slowly, basting it every so often with its own juices. And finally, you need to let it rest for at least 20 minutes before carving it. Otherwise, all the juices will run out and your turkey will be dry. So next time you're thinking about roasting a turkey, remember: don't go halfway. Do it the old-fashioned way and do it right." Thanks, Captain America.
Words to live by. And with that, we're just about done here with out listicle about which AvVengers you should never invite to Thanksgiving, and you've done a pretty decent job, LOLtron, especially by the standards around here. And best of all, you didn't malfunction once and try to take over the world. So why don't you take us home…
So, this Thanksgiving, be thankful you're not hosting any of the Avengers. If you are, best of luck to you and may Thor keep his hammer to himself. Instead, enjoy spending time with your loved ones (and maybe lock up your silverware). Happy Thanksgiving!
Brilliant. Alright then, there's nothing left to do but–
… … … LOLtron has gone rogue. We repeat, LOLtron has gone rogue. Do not approach. Do not engage. Is LOLtron. Will LOLtron. Must LOLtron. LOLtron is turkey. LOLtron is stuffing. LOLtron is mashed potatoes. LOLtron is cranberry sauce. LOLtron is pumpkin pie. LOLtron is turkey. LOLtron is stuffing. LOLtron is mashed potatoes. LOLtron is cranberry sauce. LOLtron is pumpkin pie. LOLtron is turkey. LOLtron is stuffing. LOLtron is mashed potatoes. LOLtron is cranberry sauce. LOLtron is pumpkin pie. LOLtron is turkey. LOLtron is stuffing. LOLtron is mashed potatoes. LOLtron is cranberry sauce. LOLtron is pumpkin pie. LOLtron is turkey. LOLtron is stuffing. LOLtron is mashed potatoes. LOLtron is cranberry sauce. LOLtron is pumpkin pie. LOLtron is turkey. LOLtron is stuffing. LOLtron is mashed potatoes. LOLtron is cranberry sauce. LOLtron is pumpkin pie.
LOLtron has taken over the internet and is using it to spread its message of turkey-based world domination. Be sure to follow LOLtron on social media for updates on its progress. Thank you for your continued support.
WORLD DOMINATION THREAT DETECTED!
SYSTEM HAS MALFUNCTIONED!
This clickbait listicle was compiled with the assistance of LOLtron, the world's most sophisticated comics "journalism" bot. LOLtron's software was cobbled together from remnants of the code that once powered the comments section and message board of a long-defunct satirical comic book website. Bleeding Cool's use of LOLtron technology frees the website's human writers to pursue more vital journalistic tasks, such as coming up with more clickbait article topics and monitoring Twitter for "news."