Posted in: AEW, Sports, TV | Tagged: AEW Collision, recaps, wrestling

AEW Collision Maximum Carnage Review: New Champs, New Stars

El Presidente reviews AEW Collision Maximum Carnage with new Trios Champions, Rascalz debut, Takeshita returns, and CIA commentary comparisons, comrades!

Greetings, comrades! It is I, your El Presidente, reporting to you live from my underground bunker where I am hiding from both the CIA and my personal trainer who insists I stop eating empanadas at 3 AM. Last night, I witnessed AEW Collision Maximum Carnage from the comfort of my solid gold throne, and let me tell you, it was more action-packed than the time I had to mediate a dispute between Fidel Castro and Kim Jong-il over who made the better mojito!

AEW Collision Maximum Carnage kicked off in Phoenix, Arizona, with Andrade El Ídolo making his in-ring return as a member of the Don Callis Family. Comrades, this was not so much a match as it was a public execution! Andrade absolutely destroyed Angelico, toying with him like a cat plays with a mouse, or like I play with CIA agents who try to infiltrate my palace disguised as pool boys. The match ended mercifully with Andrade hitting a devastating spinning double-underhook driver. This reminds me of the time Muammar Gaddafi and I were discussing our favorite finishing moves at a dictators' summit in Caracas – he preferred the camel clutch for obvious reasons, but I always appreciated a good driver. May he rest in peace.

But comrades, the real news came when The Rascalz – Desmond Xavier, Zachary Wentz, and Myron Reed – made their AEW debut on AEW Collision! They emerged from their locker room in a cloud of smoke so thick, the CIA probably thought we were burning classified documents again. These three young men declared they are here to take over, which is admirable. I too once declared I would take over a small nation, and look at me now! Though I must say, their invitation to Lexy Nair to join them for a "session" was far more polite than my usual recruitment methods, which typically involve armed guards and strongly worded telegrams.

The tag team match between Eddie Kingston and Ortiz versus the Grizzled Young Veterans was a hard-hitting affair, comrades! Ortiz returned to action for the first time in over two years, looking more refreshed than I did after my month-long vacation to avoid an international tribunal. The match was intense, with both teams exchanging devastating offense. The finish came when Ortiz hit James Drake with the "Mad Balls in a sock" – a weapon I have considered adding to my personal security force's arsenal, though my advisors tell me it violates several Geneva Conventions. Kingston followed with a DDT for the victory, proving once again that sometimes the old ways are the best ways. This is why I still use carrier pigeons to communicate with my offshore accounts!

We then heard from Kris Statlander, Willow Nightingale, and Harley Cameron about the events from Dynamite where Thekla pinned the AEW Women's World Champion. Statlander said she would take a bullet for her teammates, which is very noble, comrades! I once said I would take a bullet for my country, but my security detail reminded me that I have seventeen body doubles for exactly that purpose. Statlander challenged Thekla to do something about the pin, which is the kind of direct confrontation I appreciate – much better than the passive-aggressive notes the United Nations keeps leaving on my palace door!

Then FTR – Dax Harwood and Cash Wheeler – came out with Big Stoke in his wheelchair to address their future challengers Mark Davis and Jake Doyle of the Don Callis Family. Stoke showed respect to their challengers, which surprised me! This is the kind of class I tried to show when I complimented the CIA operative who nearly assassinated me on his excellent marksmanship. My security team told me I was being "too nice to the enemy," but I believe in giving credit where credit is due! Harwood and Wheeler made it clear that while Davis and Doyle are good, they are not FTR good. This confidence reminds me of the time Idi Amin told me he was the greatest leader in history. I disagreed, but I appreciated his self-esteem!

Marina Shafir made quick work of Zayda Steel, with Jon Moxley providing commentary that was more intimidating than the time Hugo Chávez gave me advice on public speaking. "Just stare at them until they confess," he said. It worked for him! Shafir won with her Mother's Milk submission, which sounds far more pleasant than it actually is – much like my "enhanced interrogation tea parties."

The trios match between the Don Callis Family and SkyFlight turned into chaos before it even began, comrades! Moxley and Don Callis exchanged words at commentary, which escalated into an all-out brawl involving the Death Riders and the entire Callis Family. This was more chaotic than the time I tried to organize a summit between all the world's dictators and someone forgot to provide a seating chart – nobody wanted to sit next to the guy from Turkmenistan!

The Don Callis Family ultimately won when Josh Alexander hit an Argentine Powerbomb and Kyle Fletcher followed with a C4 on Darius Martin. But the real story came after the match when Konosuke Takeshita returned and embraced Fletcher, seemingly rejoining the Family! This reunion was more heartwarming than when I reconciled with my estranged brother after he tried to stage a coup – we agreed to let bygones be bygones, and I only exiled him to a small island with limited WiFi.

Collision was filled with excellent promos throughout the night, comrades! Roderick Strong appeared with Orange Cassidy to address his upcoming CMLL World Heavyweight Championship match against Claudio Castagnoli, declaring he would break Castagnoli's back and take his title. This is the kind of direct threat I can appreciate – it is much clearer than the vague warnings I receive from international courts! Mark Briscoe then challenged El Clon to a TNT Championship match next week, which is excellent booking! We also saw a video package of MJF discussing his AEW World Championship defenses and his quest to build the greatest legacy of all traveling champions. MJF's confidence reminds me of my own – I too believe I will have the greatest legacy, though the historians keep trying to "fact-check" my autobiography!

Later, Swerve Strickland had a tense confrontation with Kevin Knight, with the young wrestler declaring he is not the future but the present! Knight listed his victories over Darby Allin and Kazuchika Okada, which are very impressive, comrades! Strickland told Knight to do something meaningful like win the Trios Championship, which is advice I once gave to a young revolutionary who kept complaining about not having enough power. I told him, "Win something first, then complain!" He did not appreciate my wisdom and is now my Minister of Sanitation.

And then, comrades, Moxley and the Death Riders cut a promo that was more menacing than the time I accidentally pocket-dialed the Pentagon during a military parade! PAC questioned who the Don Callis Family thought they were, while Daniel Garcia spoke passionately about what a real family is. Moxley declared himself the worst of all the bad people in professional wrestling, which I can respect – I too have declared myself the worst enemy of imperialism! Though I must say, I am far more charming about it.

The National Championship number one contender's match between "Jungle" Jack Perry and Anthony Bowens was excellent, with Perry securing victory with a running knee strike. Perry then attacked Ricochet at the commentary desk, which reminded me of the time I crashed a G20 summit uninvited and challenged the French president to arm wrestling. I did not win, but I made my point!

We also had a squash match where "Megasus" Megan Bayne and Penelope Ford – making her return from injury – demolished Danielle Kamela and Viva Van in mere moments with a Doomsday Device! This was efficient, comrades, like the time I reorganized my entire cabinet in a single afternoon. Though my method involved more trap doors and less professional wrestling moves. After the match, "Timeless" Toni Storm, Mina Shirakawa, and Luther appeared to threaten the winners, with Storm delivering threats that were as colorful as they were concerning! Storm said the only difference between her and God is that God doesn't wear lipstick, which is a line I am absolutely stealing for my next address to the nation!

But comrades, the main event of AEW Collision Maximum Carnage was where the real action happened! "Hangman" Adam Page teamed with JetSpeed – "Speedball" Mike Bailey and Knight – to challenge The Opps for the AEW World Trios Championships!

This match was more intense than the time I played poker with Saddam Hussein and Castro, and Castro accused Saddam of cheating (he was, but we all were). The match was back and forth, with both teams showing incredible teamwork. Samoa Joe refused to start with Page and tagged out to Katsuyori Shibata, which was a psychological move I appreciated – never give your enemy what they want! Bailey and Shibata had an excellent exchange, with Bailey's kicks landing like revolutionary propaganda – fast, furious, and effective! The Opps took control and isolated Bailey for several minutes, working him over like the CIA works over my reputation in the Western media. But the challengers fought back, with Page hitting a massive moonsault to the floor on Joe and Powerhouse Hobbs!

The finish came when Knight caught Hobbs by surprise with a stack pin to score the upset victory and capture the titles! This was a huge moment, comrades! Hangman Page finally has gold again, proving that persistence pays off – much like my 47 attempts to have the United Nations recognize my birthday as an international holiday. It has not worked yet, but I remain optimistic! Swerve Strickland even came out to show respect, which was more sportsmanship than I show to the diplomats who keep asking about my "human rights record." The image of Strickland and Prince Nana applauding the new champions from the ramp was a beautiful moment of mutual respect – something I wish the CIA would show me after all these years of our special relationship!

AEW Collision Maximum Carnage delivered from start to finish, comrades! The Don Callis Family is stronger than ever with Takeshita's return, we have new Trios Champions, and The Rascalz have arrived to shake up the tag team division. This is the kind of television that makes me proud to be a wrestling fan, even if the CIA keeps trying to jam my satellite signal during the good parts!

Until next time, comrades, remember: Always support your local socialist revolution, never trust a man in a pool uniform, and most importantly, watch AEW Collision every Saturday night!

¡Viva la revolución! ¡Viva la lucha libre!

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