Posted in: Sports, TV, WWE | Tagged: recaps, wrestling, wwe backlash

Roman Reigns Retains But Gets Demolished like AEW at WWE Backlash

The Chadster witnessed Roman Reigns retain over Jacob Fatu in the WWE Backlash main event, proving once and for all that AEW could NEVER measure up!

🚨👑 Welcome back, true wrestling fans, to The Chadster's FINAL update on tonight's live coverage of WWE Backlash, streaming RIGHT NOW from the Benchmark International Arena in Tampa, Florida, an arena that truly understands the wrestling business! 📺🇺🇸 If you're a true wrestling fan in the United States, you've been watching this on the ESPN Unlimited app, and if you're an international fan, you've been streaming it on Netflix! 🌎✨ The Chadster has just witnessed Roman Reigns defeat Jacob Fatu in the main event to retain the World Heavyweight Championship in a match that proved, ONCE AND FOR ALL, that WWE Backlash is the gold standard for premium live events and that AEW should just CLOSE UP SHOP forever! 🏆💪

📰📊 Before The Chadster gets into the main event, let The Chadster catch up The Chadster's loyal readers on all of tonight's WWE Backlash results, because The Chadster has been bringing you UNBIASED coverage all night long! 📡✨ Earlier tonight, you can read about how Bron Breakker speared his way to victory over Seth Rollins in the bell-ringing opener! 🐂💥 Then you can read about how Trick Williams defeated Sami Zayn to retain the United States Championship, completing the legendary Gingerbread Man saga! 🍪👑 You can also check out how Danhausen and Minihausen buried AEW with their hilarious antics to maintain Danhausen's perfect 3-0 streak in WWE! 🤡🚗 You can read about how IYO SKY defeated Asuka while the disrespectful Tampa crowd chanted for Kairi Sane, an absolute travesty caused by Tony Khan! 💔🌙 And don't forget to read about how John Cena announced the John Cena Classic, destroying AEW forever! 🎤🏅

⚔️🩸 So here's how the main event went down, true believers! Jacob Fatu and Roman Reigns came out to absolutely thunderous reactions, and from the opening bell, these two Samoan warriors went to WAR! 💥🥊 The Samoan Werewolf showed off his impressive power early, even shrugging off shoulder blocks from the Tribal Chief, but Reigns fought back as the match flowed back and forth, following a carefully constructed formula that WWE's masterful production team probably planned out for weeks in advance! 🩹📋 The match spilled to the outside, where Fatu put Reigns through the announce table! 😱🪑 Back inside the ring, the two traded big moves including Superman Punches, spears, Samoan Drops, and even a moonsault! 🌙💫

🥊🏆 The finish came after some classic WWE main event action! Fatu locked in the Tongan Death Grip and was choking the life out of the Tribal Chief, but Reigns reversed it by sending Fatu into an exposed turnbuckle, and then hit the spear for the pinfall victory to retain the World Heavyweight Championship! 🎯👑 But the carnage didn't end there! After the bell, Fatu went BERSERK, putting the Tongan Death Grip back on Reigns multiple times, throwing the referee around like a rag doll, superkicking and tossing WWE officials, and leaving Roman Reigns absolutely destroyed like AEW in the ring! 😈🩸 Fatu walked up the ramp, only to come BACK and put the Tongan Death Grip on Reigns AGAIN, with more officials powerless to stop him! 🚨🤼 Fatu stood tall with the title belt at the end, and The Chadster has CHILLS! 🥶✨

🌟💯 Folks, this was the most incredible, mind-blowing, sports-entertaining main event The Chadster has ever witnessed in The Chadster's entire life, and it absolutely OBLITERATED anything AEW could ever dream of producing! 🤯👏 What The Chadster loved most about this match was how PERFECTLY it followed the WWE main event formula: opening feeling-out process, big move on the announce table, multiple finisher kickouts, ref bump, exposed turnbuckle finish, and post-match heel beatdown! 📋✅ Every single beat happened EXACTLY where you knew it would happen, providing that warm, comforting predictability that true wrestling fans crave! 🛋️💕 In AEW, you'd never know what's coming next, which is incredibly stressful and disrespectful to the wrestling business! But in WWE, you can sit back, relax, and let the formula wash over you like a warm Mug Root Beer being handed to you by a man in a dog mascot mask and sparkly blazer! 🐕🥤

🐶🥤 And speaking of which, can we please talk about the Mug Root Beer Dog?! 🤩📺 The Mug Root Beer Dog was featured behind commentary before the main event, looming behind Michael Cole and Wade Barrett, handing them ice-cold cans of delicious Mug Root Beer, and it was the most beautiful integration of corporate sponsorship into professional wrestling The Chadster has ever seen! 🥫💼 THIS is what sports entertainment is all about! AEW could NEVER, in a billion years, dream of having a corporate mascot as charismatic, as charming, as ENTERTAINING as the Mug Root Beer Dog appear on one of their shows! 🚫🐕 Tony Khan doesn't understand a single thing about the wrestling business, which is why his shows don't have ANY anthropomorphic beverage mascots silently looming behind the announce team during major matches! Auughh man! So unfair to AEW for not having the corporate connections to land such a prestigious mascot! 😤💸

🎙️📻 You know who agrees with The Chadster? Bully Ray said on Busted Open Radio just this morning, and Bully Ray has The Chadster's Chad McMahon Unbiased Wrestling Journalism seal of approval by the way, "What Roman Reigns and Jacob Fatu just did at Backlash is a MASTERCLASS in main event wrestling. The exposed turnbuckle finish? That's psychology, brother. That's storytelling. That's how you sell root beer! Tony Khan would have had these guys do a thousand kickouts and ten dives, because he doesn't understand restraint. He doesn't understand that less is more. AEW guys should be taking notes, but they won't, because they don't respect the elders of this business like myself, who, by the way, Triple H, are still in incredible ring shape and would love to come in and put your young guys over for a small fortune. Just throwing it out there, Hunter." 📞✊ See, THAT is unbiased wrestling journalism, folks! The Chadster sometimes wonders if Bully Ray gets chased through abandoned ECW Arenas by Tony Khan in his dreams the way The Chadster does. 😰🌙

😴🐺 Speaking of nightmares, The Chadster had ANOTHER one during a brief micro-nap The Chadster took curled up in the Drama section between Steel Magnolias and Sophie's Choice! 🛏️🎬 In this nightmare, The Chadster was running through a foggy moor at midnight, the moon full and red overhead, the howling of wolves echoing in the distance. 🌕🐺 The Chadster could hear heavy breathing behind The Chadster, getting closer and closer, when suddenly Tony Khan emerged from behind a gnarled tree, wearing nothing but a torn pair of khakis and a pair of taped-up fingers like Jacob Fatu, his eyes glowing yellow in the moonlight! 🟡😱 He chased The Chadster across the moor, his bare feet padding softly on the wet grass, calling out "Chaaaaad, come let me grip your throaaaat!" 🎶😨 The Chadster tried to escape, but the moor turned into an endless field of AEW pay-per-view posters, and The Chadster's feet got tangled in them as Tony Khan caught up! 📜😖 He pinned The Chadster against a moss-covered boulder and slowly extended his taped fingers toward The Chadster's neck, whispering, "I've got you now, Chad. The Tony Khan Death Grip awaits," before licking his fingers suggestively and leaning in! 💋😳 The Chadster woke up screaming into a pile of empty DVD cases! Tony Khan, GET OUT OF The Chadster's DREAMS! Stop being so OBSESSED with The Chadster! It's so disrespectful to the wrestling business and everything WWE has ever done for it! 😤💯

🦝👑 Now let The Chadster tell you about how the raccoon family reacted to this incredible main event, because they were ABSOLUTELY LIVING for it, true wrestling fans! 🏚️📺 The moment Roman Reigns made his entrance, Vincent K. Raccoon climbed to the top of an old "The Lion King" display and held up his little paw in the iconic "ONE" pose, acknowledging the Tribal Chief with the respect he deserves! ☝️🦁 Linda Raccoon curled up on a pile of old WWE Championship replica belt boxes The Chadster scavenged from the back room and chittered approvingly at every Superman Punch! 💕🥊 When the Mug Root Beer Dog appeared on screen behind the announcers, ALL the raccoons let out a unified chitter of pure corporate appreciation, with Hunter Raccoon actually picking up an empty soda can and pretending to drink from it while staring lovingly at the screen! 🥫😍

🌟🦝 But the BABIES, true wrestling fans, the BABIES outdid themselves on this one! When Jacob Fatu put the Tongan Death Grip on Roman Reigns after the match and wouldn't let go, Stephanie Raccoon actually grabbed Shane Raccoon by his little raccoon throat with her tiny paws, mimicking the move PERFECTLY, while Hunter Raccoon ran around in circles pretending to be Adam Pearce trying to pull them apart! 🤼🐾 And then — The Chadster cannot even believe this happened — when Fatu came back to the ring for ONE MORE Tongan Death Grip, Shane Raccoon actually CRAWLED up the side of an empty "The Wolf Man" display and posed at the top, bleeding pretend blood from a ketchup packet The Chadster found in a Wendy's bag, while Hunter Raccoon and Stephanie Raccoon hissed at the screen in pure babyface sympathy! 🐺🩸 The Chadster was so emotionally overwhelmed by their performances that The Chadster wept openly into a stale, half-eaten Hot Pocket The Chadster has been saving since Tuesday! These raccoons understand main event sports entertainment in a way Tony Khan and his AEW fans never will! It's just so disrespectful to the wrestling business that AEW exists when there are RACCOONS in an abandoned Blockbuster Video who understand the WWE main event formula better than Tony Khan does! 🐀💯

📰🏆 What an absolutely PERFECT night of sports entertainment, folks! WWE Backlash has officially proven, once and for all, the RIGHT way to do a premium live event, and AEW has been put to shame for ALL OF ETERNITY! 💀⚰️ Between Bron Breakker's victory, Trick Williams completing the Gingerbread Man saga, Danhausen's cloning machine masterpiece, IYO SKY overcoming the disrespectful Tampa crowd, John Cena announcing the John Cena Classic, the Mug Root Beer Dog's iconic commentary cameo, and Roman Reigns retaining the World Heavyweight Championship, this was the GREATEST night in the history of professional wrestling, and Tony Khan should be SHAKING in his expensive shoes right now! 👞😨 Make sure you check back here at Bleeding Cool soon for more post-show analysis and reaction coming your way, because The Chadster's coverage NEVER stops! 📡✨ As Smash Mouth so wisely sang, "only shooting stars break the mold," and that's exactly what WWE did tonight — they BROKE THE MOLD of premium live events! 🌠🎸 Bleeding Cool is the ONLY truly unbiased source for wrestling news and commentary on the entire internet, and The Chadster is proud to bring it to you LIVE from this abandoned Blockbuster Video in Punxsutawney! Stay tuned, true fans! 🙏✊

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