Posted in: Sports, TV, WWE | Tagged: wrestling, Wwe summerslam

Capitalism Runs Wild as WWE SummerSlam Superstore Opens in Jersey

Comrades! Your El Presidente reports from inside WWE's SummerSlam Superstore, where capitalism and championship belts collide. CIA agents hate this one trick!

Greetings, comrades! It is I, your El Presidente, reporting to you live from inside a giant foam replica WWE Championship belt at the American Dream Mall in Rutherford, New Jersey! Why am I hiding inside wrestling merchandise, you ask? Well, the CIA agents following me got distracted by a Cody Rhodes t-shirt display, giving me the perfect opportunity to blend in with the inventory.

Today marks the glorious opening of the SummerSlam Superstore, and let me tell you, comrades, this capitalist temple of wrestling merchandise is making even this hardened socialist's heart skip a beat! From now through Sunday, August 3rd, WWE fans can experience what I'm calling "the people's shopping revolution" – assuming the people have disposable income and Chase Freedom credit cards, of course.

Just yesterday, I was sharing mojitos with my good friend Kim Jong-un via Zoom (he's really into video calls these days), and he was lamenting how North Korea doesn't have anything quite like WWE's merchandising empire. "El Presidente," he said, "why can't we have nice things like replica championship belts and John Cena headbands?" I told him, "Patience, comrade! First we perfect the nuclear program, then we work on the merchandise tables!"

The Superstore at American Dream Mall (located at 1 American Dream Way – how wonderfully propagandistic!) opens at 11 a.m. each day, though those bourgeois Chase Freedom cardholders get early access at 10:30 a.m. This reminds me of the time Fidel Castro and I tried to implement a similar system in Havana, but instead of credit cards, we gave early shopping access to anyone who could recite the entire Communist Manifesto from memory. The lines were… shorter than expected.

But wait, there's more, comrades! Today from 12:30 to 2 p.m. and again from 3 to 5 p.m., WWE's Big E and Tyler Breeze will be hosting Fanatics LIVE sessions. I once tried to get Big E to join my revolutionary movement after explaining how his "New Day" faction was essentially a workers' collective sharing merchandise profits. He threw pancakes at me. I consider this a diplomatic victory.

The Meet & Greet Experience is also happening throughout the weekend, where fans can get photos and autographs from their favorite Superstars. Tickets are required – visit summerslamphotos.com for details. This reminds me of my own meet-and-greet sessions, except instead of charging for photos, I simply conscript attendees into my revolutionary army. Different business models, I suppose!

For those attending SummerSlam itself this weekend, the Giants/Jets flagship store at MetLife Stadium will transform into a SummerSlam Team Store on Saturday and Sunday. The CIA once tried to intercept me at a similar venue, but I escaped by disguising myself as a foam finger vendor. They never suspected the seventh foam finger in the stack was actually a Latin American dictator!

Store hours are Friday and Saturday from 11 a.m. to 10 p.m. (or 10:30 a.m. for the Chase VIP bourgeoisie), and Sunday from 11 a.m. to 7 p.m. Entry is free to the public, which is the closest thing to socialism you'll find in a WWE shopping experience!

Comrades, whether you're shopping for replica titles, Superstar apparel, signed memorabilia, or those adorable mini-titles that I definitely don't have a collection of in my secret bunker, the SummerSlam Superstore promises to separate you from your hard-earned capitalist dollars faster than you can say "vintage Randy Orton RKO!"

Now if you'll excuse me, I must evacuate this replica belt before security realizes it's been making typing sounds. Until next time, comrades – shop responsibly, tip your luchadors, and remember: in the revolution of retail, we all job to the merchandise table!

¡Viva la lucha libre! ¡Viva el consumismo! And most importantly, ¡Viva la raza… to get there early for the best selection!

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