Posted in: Sports, TV, WWE | Tagged: Chris Jericho, wrestling

Chris Jericho Debuts Sad New Gimmick: WWE Butt Kisser

El Presidente reports on Chris Jericho's latest reinvention: shamelessly kissing WWE's ass by calling TNA the "second biggest company" while trashing AEW.

Greetings, comrades! It is I, your El Presidente, reporting to you live from my luxurious golden bidet that was definitely not stolen from a museum, and I have some absolutely delicious wrestling gossip that is almost as satisfying as the time I convinced Fidel Castro that Vince McMahon was actually a CIA operative trying to weaponize spandex! Now, comrades, we all know that Chris Jericho is the master of reinvention. The man has had more personas than I have had assassination attempts (and trust me, the CIA has been very busy). From the Lionheart to Y2J, from the Ayatollah of Rock and Rolla to Le Champion, from the Painmaker to the Learning Tree, Jericho has transformed himself more times than a chameleon in a paint factory. But this latest reinvention? It is truly something special, comrades. Chris Jericho has now become… a shameless WWE ass-kisser!

You see, Jericho's AEW contract expires at the end of this year, and the rumors of his return to WWE are thicker than the stack of bribes in my offshore bank accounts. And what better way to butter up your future employer than by publicly trashing your current one while praising WWE's newest junior partner, TNA? It is like when Kim Jong-un starts complimenting my beard grooming routines right before asking to borrow my oil reserves – you know something is up!

According to the capitalist pigs at F4WOnline (whom I read religiously while pretending to review economic reports), Jericho appeared on his podcast "Talk is Jericho" this week with The Hardys and The Dudleys to discuss their recent match at TNA Bound for Glory. Now, this match, comrades, featured geriatric tag teams who can barely walk without their knees sounding like bubble wrap, limping through a tables match while trading on glory days so far gone they might as well be in the Stone Age. But did Jericho call it what it was – a sad, pathetic cash grab? No, no, no!

Instead, Jericho gushed like a schoolgirl meeting her favorite dictator (which, trust me, happens to me all the time). He said, and I quote from the F4WOnline transcription: "I don't think I've watched an Impact — sorry, a TNA — match in ages, if not this decade at all. I was so impressed."

But wait, comrades, it gets better! Jericho then proceeded to compare TNA favorably to his current employer AEW, saying: "That f*cking crowd looked huge. It looked huge. It was like a WWE-level crowd. The place was packed. I was watching this, and not saying anything out of school here, but comparing it to watching Dynamite when they were at the ECW Arena, which looked like a Tony Condello taping. Sorry, it did. TNA looked like the second biggest company in the world, you know, and that was amazing."

Ah yes, comrades, TNA – the "second biggest company in the world!" Never mind that AEW, who Jericho helped establish and has been putting over the entire time he worked there, is universally recognized as the actual second biggest wrestling company in the world by every metric. Never mind that the ECW Arena residency was purposely set up to pay tribute to the original ECW TV, unlike their PPVs that frequently pack tens of thousands of fans into larger venues. Never mind that TNA has become WWE's lapdog, with their recent partnership making them essentially WWE's developmental territory's developmental territory! It is like when Lukashenko calls himself an independent leader while Putin's hand is so far up his back he might as well be a Muppet!

This is kissing ass at a level that would make even my most sycophantic ministers blush, comrades! And the timing? Delicious again. With Jericho's contract expiring and WWE rumors swirling, this is about as subtle as my solid gold statue in the town square!

Now, I have some experience with reinvention myself, comrades. When the CIA tried to overthrow me in 2003, I reinvented myself as a "democratic reformer." When they tried again in 2007, I became a "champion of indigenous rights." When they tried in 2015, I briefly became a vegan yoga instructor (that one did not last long – I missed the steak too much). But even I, with all my shameless political maneuvering, have never kissed ass quite this transparently!

The whole situation is sad and pathetic on multiple levels, comrades. You have The Hardys and Dudleys, legends who should be enjoying retirement, instead competing in hardcore matches where the only question is what will give out first, the gimmicked tables or their arthritic knees. You have TNA, once a legitimate competitor, now reduced to being WWE's junior partner, like a remora fish attached to a shark. And you have Jericho, a man who spent years building AEW's credibility, now publicly undermining them to score points with his future employer.

It reminds me of the time Muammar Gaddafi tried to convince me that his bizarre fashion choices were actually "revolutionary statements." No, comrade, you just looked ridiculous, and so does this!

According to F4WOnline's report, TNA announced 7,794 fans attended Bound for Glory at the Tsongas Center in Lowell, Massachusetts. That is indeed impressive for TNA! But calling them the second biggest company in the world for having a smaller crowd at their biggest PPV than every PPV AEW has held all year, while AEW has a massive television deal, actually pays their wrestlers competitive salaries so that Jericho doesn't have to contribute to their go-fund-mes, and currently has zero NXT stars holding their championships? That is not analysis, comrades – that is auditioning!

The capitalist wrestling industrial complex is truly something to behold, comrades! Under socialism, wrestlers would not have to debase themselves like this! They would receive guaranteed healthcare, pensions, and would never have to pretend that watching two teams of 50-year-olds slowly destroy what is left of their bodies for nostalgia pops represents the future of the industry!

In conclusion, comrades, Chris Jericho has successfully reinvented himself once again. And while his previous reinventions showed creativity and business acumen, this one just shows a man willing to publicly trash his current employer while shamelessly promoting WWE's interests in hopes that Triple H will take him along on a future visit to the White House. It would be tragic, my friends, if it weren't so amusing.

But hey, at least Jericho is consistent in one way – he always knows how to get people talking! And in the wrestling business, as in dictatorships, all publicity is good publicity!

Now if you will excuse me, comrades, I must go. The CIA just sent me a fruit basket, which means they are either trying to poison me again or they want me to praise TNA on my podcast. Either way, I have work to do!

Viva la revolución! And remember, comrades – in wrestling as in politics, there is no such thing as loyalty, only opportunities!

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