Doctor Who: So Wait, Danny Dyer is the Next Doctor AND James Bond?!

Doctor Who has found its next occupant for the TARDIS, and that new Doctor is none other than Danny Dyer! Fresh off his departure from long-running soap Eastenders, Dyer is going from pub landlord to Time Lord. The announcement originally came in a conveniently forgotten tweet a few days ago. The announcement of a deal with Sky was all smoke and mirrors after all.

At midnight on Friday, a surprise news conference was held in The Groucho Club in the heart of London's Soho, journalists were invited to partake in glasses of champagne and a small mound of cocaine before a BBC spokesman named Del introduced Danny Dyer.

Doctor Who
Images: BBC/London, United Kingdom – April 7, 2019: Danny Dyer attends The Olivier Awards at the Royal Albert Hall in London, England. (Cubankite/

"We wanted to end the months of agonizing speculation that the wait for a new Doctor has always caused and put everyone out of their misery right now." Said Del. "And who should be the next Doctor Who but The World's Most Cockney Man?"

"The Doctor's a diamond geezer, yeah?" said Dyer. "That's how I'm going to play him. Daleks, Cybermen, Millwall supporters, any of 'em try to give him shit, he'll just lamp the bastard. He's well hard, he is."

Dyer emerged as a frontrunner for Doctor Who the moment he announced he was leaving Eastenders. The timing is right: his character Mick Carter was going to have a big, explosive storyline for his departure that would be broadcast later this year, in time for him to segue into Doctor Who for 2023. Returning showrunner Russell T. Davies is a populist with his finger on the pulse of the times,

"Yeah," said Dyer. "My Doctor Who's a full-on geezer, yeah? He's the man. He's been around a bit, right? He's over 900 years old, which is, like, f-king ancient, right? A bloke who's been around that long, he's gonna have lived it up, yeah? He's doctorin' the Tardis, innit? That's what he's all about."

"And that's not all," said Del. "It's not really our place to say, but we might as well let the cat out of the bag now before you hear it from the tabloids – Danny is also the next James Bond."

This drew an audible gasp from the journalists who looked up from their cocaine in shock. A double whammy of Doctor Who and James Bond? What a scoop! One of the journalists passed out, but that might have been a reaction to bad Charlie. Or COVID as the huddled journalists were unmasked and undistanced as they partook in the complimentary refreshments Del had laid out for them. Several of them were coughing and sniffing.

"Yeah, yeah, I'm the next James Bond, me," said Dyer. "The Bond people, they came to me and said they wanted a new Bond who was gonna represent, yeah? They wanted the most British Bond they could find who represented the times. Who'da thought leavin' Eastenders would open up the double doors like that?"

"It's only fitting that the World's Most Cockney Man should lead the two top British pop culture icons that are heroes to millions," said Del. "You know you want to hear James Bond shout 'CAAAHM ON, YA CAAAAHNTS! I'M GONNA F-KING GLASS YA!'"

Dyer seemed to enjoy watching the journos collectively lose their shit. He didn't join them as he was now vegan and practiced yoga. Then the police showed up to arrest the journalists for breaking COVID regulations since they were more convenient to arrest than the Prime Minister and most of No. 10 who did the same thing last year. Dyer and Del were last seen running cackling into a waiting cab that then sped off in the night.

"What a bunch of gullible muppets!" Dyer was heard saying.

Fear not, Doctor Who is still on the BBC.

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About Adi Tantimedh

Adi Tantimedh is a filmmaker, screenwriter and novelist. He wrote radio plays for the BBC Radio, “JLA: Age of Wonder” for DC Comics, “Blackshirt” for Moonstone Books, and “La Muse” for Big Head Press. Most recently, he wrote “Her Nightly Embrace”, “Her Beautiful Monster” and “Her Fugitive Heart”, a trilogy of novels featuring a British-Indian private eye published by Atria Books, a division Simon & Schuster.
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