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Fanboy Wrampage: Ryan Satin vs. Bryan Alvarez Over Cancer Rankings

Another sad battle between wrestling "journalists" spontaneously broke out on Twitter Tuesday when TMZ reporter turned woke dirt sheet mogul turned Fox WWE shill Ryan Satin called out failed pro wrestler and current manservant of Dave Meltzer, Bryan Alvarez. The whole thing stemmed from comments Alvarez made on a Wrestling Observer podcast about cancer.

Paid WWE shill Ryan Satin
Paid WWE shill Ryan Satin (Screencap: WWE Backstage)

"But hear me out," said Alvarez. "It reminds me of my buddy Wang because Wang had Leukemia. And he did not have the Roman Reigns Leukemia. He had– it was bad. Bad bad bad bad bad. But he is now a Leukemia survivor. And when you talk to Wang about being a Leukemia Survivor, and you're like man, what a fighter, buh buh buh, he's like, dude, I didn't do anything. I laid in a bed, and they did all the work.

"What kind of person belittles someone's cancer?" asked Satin, never one to miss an opportunity to take a shot at his old rival Meltzer or one of his cronies, in this case, Alvarez, the ultimate crony, the Brutus Beefcake to Meltzer's Hulk Hogan. Alvarez responded with a link to a web page about cancer facts, saying, "Nobody belittled anyone's cancer. I recommend this page, where you can learn about the different types of leukemia, the severity of each, and survival rates. Everyone faces a different battle, and all are difficult."

Both Satin and Meltzer, like most in the world of entertainment journalism (including us), are shameless drama whores who have frequently found themselves the subject of Fanboy Wrampage columns in the past for engaging in public slap fights with other wrestling personalities. There was the time Satin got in a fight with AEW President Tony Khan over whether Khan asking people not to curse on television was the same thing as WWE directing Thunderdome participants on when to cheer and boo and sweetening the crowd noise on Raw and Smackdown. There was the time Meltzer found himself in hot water for body-shaming WWE star Peyton Royce over her breast implants. There was the time Satin got in a tiff with crazy wrestling grandpa Jim Cornette over whether Cornette liked to be cucked by his wife in a hot tub and whether or not Satin once stalked a porn star at a grocery store. There was the time Meltzer fought with 90s IWC shock jock Mark Madden over whether or not Meltzer had adequately condemned Jim Cornette or the time Meltzer teamed up with Bruce Mitchell to tag team wrestling pariah Vince Russo, the Rob Liefeld of wrestling. And then, of course, there was the time Meltzer and Satin fought each other over how much offense a jobber ought to get in a match.

Unpaid AEW Shill Dave Meltzer (Screencap: Dark Side of the Ring)
Unpaid AEW Shill Dave Meltzer (Screencap: Dark Side of the Ring). We don't have a photo of Bryan Alvarez because why would anyone have a photo of Bryan Alvarez?

And now Satin is going one on one with Alvarez, which is really a move down the card if we're perfectly honest. Then again, Satin may need to recoup some dignity after his latest embarrassment, which was calling The Undertaker's Final Farewell at Survivor Series, a crappy segment in an empty building marked by fake crowd noise, a hologram Paul Bearer, and a potential Hall-of-Famer coronavirus super-spreader event that culminated six months worth of WWE shameless milking the crap out of The Undertaker's retirement, "the greatest send-off given to a Superstar." Oof. So maybe this was more like a tune-up match for Satin to build him back up for his next clash with a more important wrestling personality like Meltzer or Cornette.

In any case, it happened. What's done is done. So who won this pathetic battle? Vote in the poll to let us know what you think.

Fanboy Rampage was a blog by Graeme "Graham" McMillan dedicated to the funniest, most ludicrous, and most inappropriate comic book back-and-forths online. McMillan has moved on now, becoming a proper journalist for the likes of sexy Dora the Explorer advocacy website The Hollywood Reporter, but he gave permission to Bleeding Cool to revive his great creation. It's all meant in the spirit of good fun, but someone will probably end up butthurt, as these things go.

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Jude TerrorAbout Jude Terror

A prophecy once said that in the comic book industry's darkest days, a hero would come to lead the people through a plague of overpriced floppies, incentive variant covers, #1 issue reboots, and super-mega-crossover events. Sadly, that prophecy was wrong. Oh, Jude Terror was right. For ten years. About everything. But nobody listened. And so, Jude Terror has moved on to a more important mission: turning Bleeding Cool into a pro wrestling dirt sheet!
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