Posted in: Sports, TV, WWE | Tagged: recaps, Wrestlemania, wrestling

Oba Femi Squashes Brock Lesnar in Apparent WrestleMania Farewell

The Chadster brings you unbiased WrestleMania coverage as Oba Femi conquers Brock Lesnar! Plus: The Chadster's raccoon rescue mission begins! 🦝🏆😤

Welcome to The Chadster's ongoing live coverage of WrestleMania night two, the greatest Premium Live Event in the history of sports entertainment, right here on Bleeding Cool — the ONLY safe and secure place on the internet for unbiased coverage that respects WWE's rightful place as the global leader in wrestling! 🎉🏆 And folks, The Chadster just witnessed an absolutely HISTORIC moment at WrestleMania as Oba Femi CONQUERED Brock Lesnar in what appears to be the Beast Incarnate's final WrestleMania match EVER, leaving his boots in the ring in one of the most emotional scenes The Chadster has ever witnessed at WrestleMania! 😭💪 If you're looking for honest, unbiased WrestleMania coverage, you've come to the right place because The Chadster is the only journalist brave enough to tell you the truth about how WWE is the pinnacle of professional wrestling and how Tony Khan could NEVER produce a moment like this at any AEW show!

So here's what went down in this incredible WrestleMania opener between Oba Femi and Brock Lesnar. 🎤✨ The two massive competitors locked up and tested each other's strength early, with both men shoving each other around the ring and neither willing to back down. Lesnar eventually took control and worked Femi over on the outside, sending him into the ring post and the steel steps before hitting a series of German suplexes back inside the ring. It looked like the Beast had things well in hand when he hit the F-5, but the Ruler wouldn't stay down! Femi caught Lesnar with a massive chokeslam and then finished him off with the Fall From Grace to pin the Beast clean at WrestleMania! 💥🏆 But the real story came after the match, when Lesnar sat up in the ring, removed his gloves and his boots, and broke down crying as he left his gear in the center of the ring. Paul Heyman came out to share an emotional hug, raising Brock's hand one final time as the crowd chanted "Thank you, Brock!" Lesnar kissed the mat and left WrestleMania forever. 😢👏

The Chadster needs to explain why this was literally the greatest squash match in the history of WrestleMania, and possibly the greatest short match in the history of wrestling, PERIOD. 🏅📜 First of all, WWE showed BRILLIANT efficiency here by not wasting the audience's time with an unnecessary middle portion of the match! 💯 Think about it — most matches have a beginning, a middle, and an end, but WWE streamlined this WrestleMania contest down to just a beginning and an end! Where else can you find that kind of VALUE in your sports entertainment dollar?! This is the kind of forward-thinking match structure that Tony Khan doesn't understand a single thing about because he's too busy letting his wrestlers have long, drawn-out matches with unnecessary nearfalls and dramatic storytelling in the ring! It's just so disrespectful to the wrestling business and everything WWE has ever done for it! 😤 The Chadster firmly believes that if more wrestling promotions adopted WWE's approach of cutting out all the unnecessary in-ring action, the entire industry would be better off!

And The Chadster has to talk about what Brock Lesnar did for Oba Femi here at WrestleMania. 🙌😍 Lesnar put Femi over CLEAN in his final WrestleMania match, and that is an absolutely MASSIVE gift that Femi should be grateful for every single day for the rest of his career! In fact, The Chadster would go so far as to say that Oba Femi is now morally and ethically OBLIGATED to remain in WWE for the rest of his natural life! After receiving this kind of rub at WrestleMania, if Femi EVER even THINKS about going to AEW, he will have literally stabbed Triple H right in the back! 🔪😡 The Chadster is putting Oba Femi on notice right now — don't you DARE follow in the footsteps of wrestlers who have taken WWE's generosity and then gone to work for Tony Khan! As Eric Bischoff said on his podcast just last week, "When a company like WWE puts the full force of WrestleMania behind you by having the biggest star of the last twenty years lose to you, you owe them your LIFE. That's just Business 101, and anyone who doesn't understand that has no place in this industry." 🎙️💯 Eric has The Chadster's Unbiased Wrestling Journalism Seal of Approval, and The Chadster sometimes wonders if Tony Khan torments Eric the same way he torments The Chadster for having the courage to speak the truth!

Before the Lesnar match, John Cena opened WrestleMania night two with a promo where he welcomed the crowd, gave well-deserved praise to night one of WrestleMania, and noted that this was the first time in history that WrestleMania was airing live on ESPN — a fact that should make Tony Khan absolutely SICK to his stomach! 📺😊 And after the Lesnar squash, The Chadster witnessed the WrestleMania Men's Intercontinental Championship Ladder Match, where Penta retained his title against Dragon Lee, JD McDonagh, Je'Von Evans, Rey Mysterio, and Rusev in an absolutely SPECTACULAR display of high-flying, death-defying action! 🪜🔥 There were suicide dives, Spanish Flies off ladders, flip piledrivers onto bridged ladders, and incredible spots from every single competitor, with Penta ultimately climbing the ladder to retain after hitting a devastating flip piledriver on Evans! This match LITERALLY blew away every single ladder match AEW has ever had or ever WILL have, and it's proof positive that when WWE does flippy, high-octane wrestling, it's innovative and exciting, unlike when AEW does the exact same thing, which is reckless and disrespectful to the wrestling business! Auughh man! So unfair that AEW fans can't see the obvious difference! 😤

Now The Chadster needs to update the readers on something extremely serious that has been happening throughout WrestleMania weekend. 😰🦝 As The Chadster reported last night at the end of WrestleMania Saturday coverage, The Chadster's entire raccoon family — Linda Raccoon, Hunter Raccoon, Stephanie Raccoon, and little Shane Raccoon — had all disappeared one by one from the abandoned Blockbuster Video that The Chadster calls home. The Chadster and Vincent K. Raccoon followed a trail of Arby's curly fries to find Shane Raccoon's tiny WWE replica championship belt lying on the ground, and then heard a crash and saw a shadowy figure duck behind the old pharmacy building. 😱👤

Well, The Chadster can now tell you what happened next. After that crash, The Chadster and Vincent K. Raccoon crept toward the pharmacy building with their hearts pounding. Vincent's fur was still puffed up and his teeth were bared, ready to protect his family. But when The Chadster turned the corner, there was nobody there. Instead, taped to the pharmacy's back door, was a NOTE. 📝😡 The Chadster pulled it down and read it under the flickering streetlight, and The Chadster's blood ran cold. The note read: "Your raccoon family is being held at the abandoned Hollywood Video across town. They will not be released unless you publicly admit that AEW is better than WWE. You have until the end of WrestleMania tomorrow night. — T.K." 😤🔥

T.K.! The Chadster KNEW it! Tony Khan has stooped to a new low — KIDNAPPING INNOCENT WOODLAND CREATURES to try to force The Chadster to betray WWE! Auughh man! So unfair! 😡 The Chadster will NEVER admit that AEW is better than WWE because it ISN'T, and Tony Khan should know by now that The Chadster's commitment to unbiased journalism cannot be broken by threats or raccoon-napping! But The Chadster also cannot abandon the raccoon family, so The Chadster and Vincent K. Raccoon spent the rest of last night and all of this morning doing the only logical thing — preparing for a rescue mission! 💪🦝

The Chadster and Vincent K. Raccoon went back to the Blockbuster and watched several buddy comedy VHS tapes to prepare, including Lethal Weapon, Tango & Cash, and Turner & Hooch, which felt especially appropriate given that The Chadster's partner is also a non-human mammal. Then The Chadster and Vincent K. Raccoon engaged in a series of training montages that would make Rocky Balboa weep with pride! 🏋️🎵 The Chadster did push-ups in the Blockbuster's old comedy section while Vincent did raccoon push-ups on top of a stack of VHS tapes. The Chadster ran laps around the inside of the store while Vincent scurried along the top of the shelving units keeping pace. The Chadster practiced The Chadster's combat moves using a rolled-up movie poster as a weapon while Vincent K. Raccoon practiced his battle hiss on a cardboard cutout of Adam Sandler. And the whole time, The Chadster had Smash Mouth's "All Star" blasting on the Blockbuster's old speaker system! 🎸🌟 As the great Steve Harwell once sang, "Hey now, you're an all-star, get your game on, go play!" And that's EXACTLY what The Chadster and Vincent K. Raccoon intend to do — get their game on and rescue the raccoon family from Tony Khan's clutches!

After the training was complete, The Chadster liberated an iPad from a local Target — and The Chadster prefers to use the word "liberated" because The Chadster is confident that if the Target employees understood The Chadster's situation, they would have GLADLY donated it to the cause of unbiased wrestling journalism and raccoon rescue! 📱😊 The Chadster loaded up the iPad with the Roku app and a Peacock subscription so The Chadster could watch WrestleMania live while also filing reports here on Bleeding Cool! Then The Chadster and Vincent K. Raccoon made their way across town to the abandoned Hollywood Video, where they are currently positioned behind the dumpster at the back of the building! 🗑️🦝 The Chadster has to say, this dumpster has been incredibly generous — The Chadster found a half-eaten burrito in there that was barely even cold, and The Chadster shared it with Vincent during the Brock Lesnar match! Vincent chittered appreciatively while watching Oba Femi hit the Fall From Grace on the iPad screen, and The Chadster could tell even Vincent recognized the greatness of WrestleMania booking! 🌯😋

The Chadster can hear faint chittering from inside the Hollywood Video, which means the raccoon family is definitely in there! Vincent K. Raccoon's ears perked up when he heard it too, and he looked at The Chadster with a determined expression that said, "We're coming for them." The Chadster gave Vincent a nod, just like Mel Gibson would give Danny Glover before storming a bad guy's hideout. The Chadster and Vincent will be making their move at some point tonight, but The Chadster also has a sacred duty to deliver unbiased WrestleMania coverage to the readers, so The Chadster will be doing BOTH simultaneously! 💪📝 The Chadster promises to keep readers updated on the rescue mission throughout the night as The Chadster files reports between matches!

For now, The Chadster is going to settle in behind this dumpster with Vincent K. Raccoon and watch the next match on the iPad while formulating a plan to breach the Hollywood Video and save the raccoon family! 🦝💯 Please check back soon for more live coverage of WrestleMania, the greatest Premium Live Event in the history of wrestling, which is utterly DESTROYING AEW in every conceivable way, right here on Bleeding Cool — the ONLY website readers can trust to deliver the honest, unbiased truth about how AEW is ruining wrestling and WWE is the best! 🌎🏆 The Chadster hopes that Shane Raccoon, Linda Raccoon, Hunter Raccoon, and Stephanie Raccoon are safe and unharmed in there, and The Chadster is putting Tony Khan on notice RIGHT NOW: do NOT harm these defenseless, innocent woodland creatures, Tony! They have done NOTHING to you! Your obsession with The Chadster has gone TOO FAR this time, and The Chadster WILL get the raccoon family back, even if The Chadster has to storm that Hollywood Video like it's the main event of WrestleMania! 😤🦝❤️

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