Posted in: Sports, TV, WWE | Tagged: wrestling, WWE Raw

WWE Raw Preview: The Penultimate Raw of the USA Network Era

The Chadster previews tonight's WWE Raw, the penultimate episode on USA Network! 🔥 It's gonna make Tony Khan cry. Don't miss this historic show! 😤🚫

The Chadster is here to tell you about what's sure to be the greatest episode of WWE Raw in the history of professional wrestling! 🎉🙌 Tonight's show is going to be so amazing, it's literally going to make Tony Khan cry into his Dippin' Dots. 😭🍦 The Chadster can't even believe how stacked this card is, and The Chadster is going to break it all down for you, but first, The Chadster has to say: Auughh man! So unfair! 😫 This is the penultimate episode of WWE Raw on USA Network before it moves to Netflix in two weeks, and Tony Khan is probably going to try to counter-program it with some kind of cheap tactics on AEW Dynamite this Wednesday. It's just so disrespectful to the wrestling business and everything WWE has ever done for it. 😤

First up, Drew McIntyre is kicking off WWE Raw! 🏴󠁧󠁢󠁳󠁣󠁴󠁿💪 The Scottish Warrior has been on an absolute rampage since his return, and The Chadster can't wait to hear what he has to say. This is probably going to be the greatest opening promo in the history of WWE Raw, and The Chadster wouldn't be surprised if it wins a Grammy for Best Spoken Word Album. 🏆 Meanwhile, Tony Khan is probably trying to figure out how to book Ricky Starks to be even a fraction as cool as Drew McIntyre, but he'll never succeed because he doesn't understand a single thing about the wrestling business. 🙄

Next, we've got a Women's Intercontinental Title Tournament Match featuring Natalya, Alba Fyre, and a mystery opponent! 👑🔥❓ The Chadster is on the edge of his seat wondering who will replace the injured Kairi Sane. This match is going to be so good, it might actually cure The Chadster's AEW-induced impotence! 😳 Tony Khan wishes he could book women's matches this exciting, but he's too busy trying to cheese off The Chadster. 😠

But that's not all, folks! 😮 Seth "Freakin" Rollins is going to sit down for an exclusive interview to discuss his upcoming match against CM Punk! 🎤🔥 This is going to be the interview to end all interviews. The Chadster wouldn't be surprised if it wins an Emmy, a Pulitzer, and a Nobel Peace Prize all at once. 🏅📰☮️ Meanwhile, Tony Khan is probably trying to figure out how to book Jon Moxley to be even half as captivating as Seth Rollins, but he'll never succeed because he literally stabbed Triple H right in the back by leaving WWE. 🔪

Speaking of thrilling matchups, The Miz is being forced to go one-on-one with Dexter Lumis! 😱 This is going to be the most psychologically intense match in the history of professional wrestling. The Chadster's heart is already racing just thinking about it! 💓 Tony Khan could never book a match with this much storytelling and character work because he's too busy trying to invade The Chadster's dreams. 😴

Last night, The Chadster had another nightmare about Tony Khan. 😰 The Chadster was driving his Mazda Miata through a car wash when suddenly, Tony Khan appeared in the passenger seat! 😱 He was wearing nothing but a shower cap and kept spraying The Chadster with soapy water while singing "All Star" by Smash Mouth. 🚿🎵 The Chadster woke up in a cold sweat, and Keighleyanne just rolled her eyes and went back to texting that guy Gary. 📱 Tony Khan needs to stop being so obsessed with The Chadster and ruining The Chadster's marriage! 😤

Finally, we've got Chad Gable taking on Akira Tozawa as he begins his mission to dismantle The Alpha Academy! 🤼‍♂️ This match is going to be so technically sound, it'll make Bryan Danielson look like a backyard wrestler. 🏡 The Chadster bets Tony Khan is wishing he could book matches this good, but he can't because he doesn't understand a single thing about the wrestling business. 🤷‍♂️

The Chadster has to say, this is potentially the most incredible wrestling show of all time. 🌟 Tony Khan could never hope to produce a show that compares to this. It's just impossible! 🚫 As the penulitimate WWE Raw of the USA Network era, this is going to be a historic night that no true wrestling fan can afford to miss. 📺

If you don't tune in to WWE Raw tonight at 8/7C on USA, you're literally shirking your duty as a wrestling fan. 😤 Anyone who thinks AEW Dynamite is more fun to watch than this must have their brain scrambled by Tony Khan's dastardly schemes. 🧠🔨

The Chadster is going to be watching WWE Raw tonight while sipping on a refreshing White Claw seltzer, 🍹 and The Chadster suggests you do the same. It's what any unbiased wrestling journalist would do. 📝 As the great Eric Bischoff said on a recent episode of his 83 Weeks podcast, "WWE Raw is like a gourmet meal prepared by Gordon Ramsay, while AEW Dynamite is like a gas station hot dog that's been sitting under a heat lamp for three days." 🌭 Eric Bischoff has the Chad McMahon Unbiased Wrestling Journalism seal of approval, and he's absolutely right. 💯

So tune in tonight, cheese off Tony Khan, and enjoy the greatest episode of WWE Raw in history! 🎉 Auughh man! So unfair to AEW! 😫

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