Posted in: Sports, TV, WWE | Tagged: recaps, wrestling, WWE Raw

WWE Raw: Reigns/Fatu Set for Backlash as Bloodline Drama Reignites

Greetings, comrades! Your El Presidente reviews WWE Raw, where Roman Reigns accepted Jacob Fatu's Backlash challenge and Asuka cost Iyo Sky a win.

Greetings, comrades! It is I, your El Presidente, reporting to you live from the back of an armored limousine speeding through the mountains, where I have just narrowly escaped what I am certain was the 47th CIA assassination attempt of the year! But I would not let a little thing like imperialist aggression stop me from watching last night's episode of WWE Raw, oh no! I had my driver pull over at a roadside cantina, where I commandeered the establishment's television and forced the patrons to watch Monday Night Raw with me at gunpoint. They were thrilled, comrades! Let us discuss what happened on this fine episode of WWE Raw!

The First Family Meeting

The show opened with a recap of the Bloodline drama, followed by a pre-taped sit-down between Roman Reigns, Jimmy Uso, and Jey Uso. Roman called them "The First Family," which reminded me of when I had a similar meeting with my own cabinet ministers about a coup attempt. The difference is that my meeting ended with several "promotions" to the bottom of the river, while Roman's ended with him saying he would think about it. Family politics are difficult, comrades! Jey wanted consequences, Jimmy wanted understanding, and Roman wanted the cameras to capture his good side.

Seth Rollins Challenges Bron Breakker

Seth Rollins came out blaming Bron Breakker for his WrestleMania failures, which is the wrestling equivalent of blaming the CIA when your economy collapses – it works for me, why not for Seth? Paul Heyman stood by as Breakker delivered a devastating verbal blow, calling Seth "the best in the world at being number two." Comrades, this is the kind of insult that would have gotten someone disappeared in my country! Seth challenged Breakker to a match at Backlash, and Breakker accepted. Excellent television!

Judgment Day Takes Out Stephanie Vaquer

In a backstage attack, Raquel Rodriguez and Roxanne Perez jumped Stephanie Vaquer while Liv Morgan stood ominously over her. They rammed her with a production crate! In my country, we call this "a Tuesday." Vaquer was diagnosed with a second-degree AC joint sprain, which is more medical attention than most of my political prisoners ever receive.

Penta Defeats Rusev

Penta stole a victory over Rusev with a leverage rollup, which reminded me of how I "won" my last election! Ethan Page watched from ringside like a CIA operative casing a foreign embassy, and after the match, he and Rusev attacked Penta until Je'Von Evans ran out for the save. Evans hit Page with a springboard clothesline that was more beautiful than the sunset over my private resort in Sochi, where I once watched fireworks with Vladimir Putin while he explained why ice cream is a weapon of state power.

Becky Lynch Retains Over IYO SKY

Becky Lynch issued an open challenge that was answered by IYO SKY, who slapped Becky so hard I felt it from my limousine. Adam Pearce made the title match official, and Becky retained after Asuka appeared and tripped SKY on the apron. Asuka then attacked SKY herself! This is the kind of betrayal that warms my dictator heart, comrades. It reminds me of the time Fidel Castro "helped" me with a political rival – by which I mean he showed up uninvited and made everything more complicated. Ah, Fidel!

A subtitled Asuka promo later aired in which she called SKY her greatest failure. Powerful stuff, comrades! I have many failures of my own, but most of them are buried in the desert. No mention of Kairi Sane, who the WWE Universe is now expected to forget ever existed.

Joe Hendry's Concert Gets Crashed

Joe Hendry sang about officially signing with Raw, including a lyric suggesting Adam Pearce should fire Logan Paul. As a man who has fired many people – some literally, out of cannons – I appreciated this sentiment! Logan Paul and Austin Theory interrupted, but The Street Profits ran out to save the day. Montez Ford and Angelo Dawkins stood tall with Hendry. A glorious moment of solidarity, comrades! Truly socialist in spirit!

Rey Mysterio Defeats El Grande Americano

Rey Mysterio defeated El Grande Americano after the Original El Grande Americano intervened to stop the imposter from using a steel plate in his mask. Comrades, the lucha libre political intrigue on WWE Raw is more complex than the Cold War! There are now multiple Grande Americanos, and I cannot tell which one is the CIA plant. (It is definitely the Ludwig Kaiser one. I have my sources.)

Oba Femi Squashes Grayson Waller

Grayson Waller ran his mouth about Oba Femi being overrated, not realizing Oba was standing right behind him. This is exactly what happened to one of my generals who criticized me at a state dinner, not realizing I was hiding behind a curtain. He is now ambassador to Antarctica! Oba destroyed Waller in just over a minute and announced the Oba Femi Open Challenge. Magnificent!

The Judgment Day Drama Deepens

Finn Bálor warned Roxanne Perez not to trust Liv Morgan, which is rich coming from him – it's like the CIA warning me about Russian intelligence. Perez told him to leave before he got hurt, which is what I tell foreign journalists.

Then in the actual match, Perez and Rodriguez defeated Bayley and Lyra Valkyria thanks to constant Liv Morgan distractions. Perez hit Pop Rox in front of her hometown family, and Liv raised everyone's arms afterward. Suspicious, comrades! Very suspicious!

Roman Reigns vs. Jacob Fatu Set for Backlash

The main event segment saw Roman Reigns demand acknowledgment, only for Jacob Fatu to interrupt and tell him about his 12 years of grinding while Roman lived in his "main-event bubble." Comrades, this is class warfare in wrestling form! Fatu is the proletariat! Roman is the bourgeoisie! I have not been this excited about a class struggle since I forced my country's billionaires to "donate" their yachts to my personal navy! Fatu hit Roman with a Tongan Death Grip, dropped the title on him, and Roman accepted the challenge for Backlash.

Overall, comrades, this was a fine episode of WWE Raw that set up Backlash beautifully! The crowd did not chant "We Want Kairi" as much as I had predicted, but perhaps the CIA was jamming the audio. I will be watching next week from an undisclosed bunker, possibly in Belarus, possibly in my mother's basement. Until then!

¡Viva la revolución! ¡Viva WWE Raw!

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