Posted in: Sports, TV, WWE | Tagged: recaps, wrestling, WWE Raw

WWE Raw Review: Title Defenses, Arrests, and Old Men Laughing

El Presidente reviews last night's WWE Raw from Boston, where Roman Reigns powerbombed CM Punk through a table and Paul Heyman had Seth Rollins arrested!

Greetings, comrades! It is I, your El Presidente, reporting to you live from my solid gold bunker beneath the Boston Harbor, where I have been hiding ever since the CIA tried to infiltrate last night's WWE Raw by disguising themselves as very convincing Dunkin' Donuts employees. But enough about my close call with international espionage — last night's episode of Monday Night Raw was absolutely magnificent, comrades, and I have much to discuss!

WWE Raw opened with Brock Lesnar and Paul Heyman coming to the ring, and let me tell you, the crowd was not having any of The Beast Incarnate's nonsense. They chanted for Oba Femi like he was already the People's Champion — which, under socialism, all champions would belong to the people anyway, but I digress. Heyman gave his usual spectacular speech about how nobody has ever gotten revenge on Brock, listing off names like The Undertaker, Goldberg, and John Cena. But then, comrades, the lights went down and Oba Femi appeared to clothesline Lesnar out of the ring. This WrestleMania match is going to be absolutely glorious.

The Usos defended the World Tag Team Championships against Austin Theory and Logan Paul in what turned into a chaotic mess — the good kind of chaos, like when you're redistributing wealth and the billionaires start panicking. LA Knight showed up and hit Paul with brass knuckles, causing the Vision to win by disqualification. Jey Uso, jealous like the rest of us after watching that, used the knuckles on Paul a second time after the match. Comrades, I once lost an election by disqualification when international observers caught me stuffing ballot boxes, so I understand the Usos' frustration. The Vision won, but they didn't WIN, you know? It's the kind of moral victory that means absolutely nothing, much like when the United Nations passes a resolution condemning my regime. Anyway, Paul Heyman later secured a street fight rematch for next week at Madison Square Garden.

Then we had Becky Lynch and AJ Lee engaging in verbal warfare, and comrades, this was the kind of promo work that would make my old friend Fidel Castro weep with joy. Becky came out complaining that her daughter was singing AJ's theme song, which is classic. That's the same way Che Guevara used to get in his opponents heads after becoming lead singer of Rage Against the Machine. AJ challenged her to a match at WrestleMania for the Intercontinental Championship, and, after accepting, Becky brought up how AJ quit wrestling the day after her last WrestleMania appearance, which is the kind of long-term storytelling that I appreciate. I once held a grudge against a rival dictator for fifteen years before getting my revenge by outbidding him on a private island, so I understand the value of patience.

Je'Von Evans defeated Grayson Waller in a match that showcased exactly why Evans is one of the most exciting young talents in professional wrestling today. The man moves like gravity is merely a suggestion from the physics department rather than an actual law. Waller got distracted trying to get help from Kofi Kingston, which cost him dearly. Comrades, I have made this same mistake — you cannot rely on your allies when you're in the middle of battle. I once called Hugo Chávez during a coup attempt and he was too busy watching a telenovela to send military support. Evans hit the OG Cutter for the victory, and the future is bright for this young revolutionary!

The women's tag match between Bayley and Lyra Valkyria against the Kabuki Warriors was excellent, with Bayley and Lyra picking up the victory. Afterward, they called out the Irresistible Forces and challenged them to a title match next week at Madison Square Garden. Bayley tried to get the Boston crowd to cheer for a match happening at MSG and they booed her mercilessly, which is exactly the kind of regional sports rivalry that makes America beautiful. Under socialism, all arenas would be equally appreciated, but we do not live in that world yet, comrades.

Backstage, Kairi Sane was berated by Asuka for losing the match for her team, but IYO SKY appeared to comfort Kairi, telling her she doesn't deserve to be treated this way. It was a moment of genuine compassion that reminded me of the time Kim Jong-un consoled me after I lost a heated game of Mario Kart to Vladimir Putin (he cheated). Raquel Rodriguez then appeared to challenge IYO to a match next week, which IYO readily accepted. Mark my words, comrades, the Kabuki Warriors will explode spectacularly, much like my first attempt at building a nuclear reactor in my palace basement.

And speaking of explosions, comrades, we had a hilarious segment with IShowSpeed and Danhausen! Speed was backstage with Penta, learning his signature strut, when Dragon Lee showed up, prompting Speed to bark at him like that time I brought Saddam Hussein to a hypnotist show. After a commercial break, Speed was chatting with Adam Pearce when Danhausen appeared and introduced himself as a WWE legend before suggest a YouTube crossover: IShowSpeedHausen. When Speed declined, Danhausen cursed him and disappeared! Comrades, I have been cursed by voodoo priests, witch doctors, and one very angry fortune teller in Prague, but I never reacted the way Speed did. This is the kind of quality entertainment content that makes WWE Raw the best wrestling show on YouTube! Wait, this is a wretling show? Well then, what did I just watch, comrades?!

Paul Heyman came to the ring and cut a promo about being afraid of Seth Rollins. He invited Rollins to come and "put him out of his misery," a ploy to draw Rollins out so that Heyman could have him arrested for violating a restraining order. Rollins appeared, the police showed up, but Heyman made the mistake of mentioning Rollins' daughter, prompting him to break free and punch Heyman before he was subdued and arrested! Comrades, I have been arrested on live television exactly three times — once by Interpol, once by the World Court, and once by my own secret police who didn't recognize me because I was in disguise — so I can confirm that this is extremely bad for one's public image. But also extremely entertaining!

But the real highlight of WWE Raw was the Intercontinental Championship match between Penta and Dominik Mysterio. Before the match even began, Stephanie Vaquer attacked Liv Morgan, leading to a brawl that went all the way to the backstage area, where Vaquer hit a spinebuster in Gorilla position that would have made Arn Anderson proud!

Meanwhile, Penta retained his title against Dominik with a small package after Finn Balor showed up to prevent JD McDonagh from interfering. Then Balor dismantled both McDonagh and Mysterio, hitting a Coup de Grace on JD that left him unconscious in the ring. Comrades, this is the kind of vengeful beatdown I can appreciate. It reminded me of the time Muammar Gaddafi cheated at poker during our weekly dictator game night, and I spent the next three months having my intelligence operatives leave increasingly aggressive notes on his windshield.

And then, comrades, we come to the main event segment that closed WWE Raw, the flagship professional wrestling program of the biggest sports entertainment company in the world: a talking segment. CM Punk came out and delivered one of his classic pipebomb-style promos, calling out Roman Reigns and the entire Samoan dynasty. He said Roman can't call him old when Roman dyes his gray whiskers with Just for Men, which is the kind of personal attack I deeply appreciate. Punk said he's not ashamed of being old, comparing himself to Terry Funk. Has anyone told him The Funker is actually not old, he's dead? Jey Uso came out to confront him, then Jim Uso tried to calm his brother down, and finally Roman Reigns appeared to spear Punk and powerbomb him through the announce table.

But Punk just laughed and mocked Roman for needing help from his cousins. This is the kind of psychological warfare that would make my old mentor proud. I once told a CIA operative who was torturing me that his technique was derivative and uninspired, and it made him so angry he let me escape. Mind games, comrades! Mind games!

WWE Raw last night was on fire heading into WrestleMania, and with just three weeks to go, the stakes have never been higher. Next week at Madison Square Garden, the Usos will defend their tag titles against the Vision again, this time in a street fight. Bayley and Lyra will challenge for the Women's Tag Team Championships. IYO SKY will take on Raquel Rodriguez. And the creative team will come up with a bunch of other stuff to fill three hours by then as well.

Comrades, tune in next week, and remember: the revolution will be streamed on Netflix at 8 PM Eastern Time! Hasta la victoria siempre!

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