Posted in: Sports, TV, WWE | Tagged: recaps, wrestling, wwe smackdown

WWE SmackDown: What Happened on the SNME Go-Home Show?

El Presidente reviews WWE SmackDown, where Sami Zayn walked away from Cody Rhodes, Charlotte stole a pin from Rhea, and Esteban demanded more Damian Priest!

Greetings, comrades! It is I, your El Presidente, reporting to you live from the heated infinity pool atop my private floating fortress, currently anchored in international waters somewhere the CIA's satellites cannot quite get a fix on me. Esteban is floating beside me on an inflatable swan the size of a Soviet-era patrol boat, demanding I recount every detail of last night's WWE SmackDown from Rupp Arena in Lexington, Kentucky. So pour yourself a glass of something embargoed, comrades, and let us dissect WWE SmackDown together!

Rhea Ripley Opens the Show, Fatal Influence Causes Chaos

WWE SmackDown kicked off with Rhea Ripley accepting Jade Cargill's challenge for Clash in Italy, before Charlotte Flair and Alexa Bliss strolled out to interrupt. Then Fatal Influence showed up because that is just what happens in WWE — you cannot have a promo without four more women appearing like cockroaches when you turn on the kitchen light. Charlotte challenged any two members of Fatal Influence to a match, only for Alexa to reveal backstage that Rhea would actually be Charlotte's partner instead. Comrades, this is the kind of bait-and-switch I have not seen since I promised free healthcare in my last campaign! (Esteban received excellent dental work, however.)

Talla Tonga vs. Shinsuke Nakamura

Talla Tonga defeated Shinsuke Nakamura after Nakamura knocked Solo Sikoa off the apron, which somehow gave Talla the opening to hit a Chokeslam. Then everyone and their cousin ran out — Tama Tonga appeared to stop Solo, then attacked Nakamura himself, before Damian Priest made the save with a chair. Comrades, this is more double-crossing than my last cabinet meeting, where my Minister of Finance turned out to be three CIA agents in a trench coat!

Cody Rhodes Rejects Sami Zayn's Offer

Cody Rhodes was looking for Gunther backstage when Sami Zayn offered his assistance, only for Cody to turn him down. Foolish, Cody! When my old comrade Hugo Chávez offered to help me deal with a coup attempt, I accepted immediately, and we celebrated by karaoking ABBA songs in my volcano lair until 4 AM. Refusing help from your friends is how you end up exiled in a small Mediterranean villa, writing your memoirs that no one will publish. Trust me, comrades, I know things.

The MFTs Plot

Tama Tonga told the MFTs that everyone was coming after them because they were weak. This is classic dictator psychology, comrades! Whenever my approval ratings dipped, I would gather my generals and tell them they were weak, then immediately commission a 40-foot bronze statue of myself riding Esteban into battle. Confidence is everything!

Tiffany Stratton Retains in Open Challenge

Tiffany Stratton's open challenge was answered by Lash Legend, and then Nia Jax interfered, and then Chelsea Green shoved Nia into the ring post, and then Lash grabbed Chelsea's hair, and then Tiffany rolled up Lash for the win. Comrades, this match had more international incidents than my 1987 trip to Geneva! The bourgeois exploiter Stratton escapes with the title once again, kept aloft by the proletarian labor of Chelsea Green, who did all the work and received none of the glory. SEIZE THE MEANS OF CHAMPIONSHIP DEFENSE, CHELSEA!

Danhausen's Mysterious Experiments

Nick Aldis found Danhausen conducting experiments backstage, which apparently explained the power flickering throughout WWE SmackDown. Comrades, this reminds me of the time I caught a CIA operative trying to bug my chandelier — except he was significantly less charming than Danhausen and significantly more on fire after my palace guards got hold of him. Very nice, very evil indeed!

The Miz Sets Up a Tag Match

The Miz, accompanied by Kit Wilson, complained about the Cleveland Cavaliers being cursed when Fraxiom appeared and The Miz set up a match with Axiom for next week's WWE SmackDown. The Cavaliers being cursed is not a curse, comrades — it is simply the natural consequence of capitalism. Cleveland will only know peace when the workers control the basketball.

Trick Williams, Carmelo Hayes, and Lil Yachty

Carmelo Hayes interrupted Trick Williams and Lil Yachty, called Trick a second fiddle, and challenged him for the United States Championship. Trick accepted because pride, comrades, is the great destroyer of men and dictators alike. (I still have not recovered from losing that thumb-wrestling match to Fidel Castro in 1994. He cheated. I am sure of it.)

United States Championship: Trick Williams vs. Carmelo Hayes

Trick Williams retained the U.S. Title over Carmelo Hayes after Ricky Saints appeared at ringside and distracted Carmelo not once but TWICE, allowing Trick to hit the Trick Shot. Comrades, this is exactly the kind of outside interference that the CIA has been using against me for decades! Ricky Saints is clearly a deep state operative. I have alerted Esteban, who is preparing a strongly-worded letter.

Carmelo Hayes Gets Revenge

Carmelo Hayes blindsided Ricky Saints backstage while the latter was chatting with Cathy Kelley. Comrades, never have a casual conversation backstage in WWE. It is the most dangerous activity in all of sports entertainment, more dangerous than a steel cage match or attending a state dinner with Vladimir Putin after he has been at the vodka.

Rhea Ripley & Charlotte Flair vs. Fatal Influence

Rhea Ripley and Charlotte Flair defeated Lainey Reid and Fallon Henley, but the real story was Charlotte tagging herself in WHILE Rhea was hitting Riptide and stealing the win with Natural Selection. Comrades, this is the most Charlotte Flair thing Charlotte Flair has ever done, and I respect it tremendously. I once stole credit for a hydroelectric dam that my predecessor built. The plaque still has my name on it! Afterward, Jade Cargill, Michin, and B-Fab attacked, with Jade planting Rhea with Jaded heading into Saturday Night's Main Event.

Solo Sikoa vs. Damian Priest

Solo Sikoa defeated Damian Priest with the Samoan Spike after the MFTs interfered approximately 47 times. Then Royce Keys ran out to help Priest, only for Priest to grab him by the throat. Comrades, this is what happens when you try to help! I told Cody Rhodes this earlier in the show, and now here we are. Trust no one. Especially not pool boys.

Chelsea Green Gets Ambushed

Chelsea Green met Blake Monroe backstage, and then Nia Jax and Lash Legend attacked her. Poor Chelsea! She does all the work in the women's division and gets squashed for her trouble. This is precisely the kind of treatment of the proletariat that I have been warning you about, comrades!

Main Event: Cody Rhodes vs. Sami Zayn

In the main event of WWE SmackDown, Cody Rhodes defeated Sami Zayn after Gunther's interference backfired spectacularly, with Cody hitting Cross Rhodes for the pin. Then Gunther attacked Cody post-match and held up the Undisputed WWE Title, and Sami — having been rejected earlier — stepped in briefly before WALKING AWAY, leaving Cody laid out. COMRADES! This is the most beautifully petty thing I have witnessed since I refused to attend Lukashenko's birthday party after he forgot mine. Sami Zayn's slow walk away from the ring was the finest acting performance on American television this week, and that includes whatever reality show Esteban is currently obsessed with (it involves real estate agents in Dubai and is, I am told, "iconic").

The aftermath leaves Cody Rhodes in a terrible position heading into Clash in Italy, with both Gunther bearing down on him and Sami Zayn nursing a wounded ego. Cody, mi amigo, learn from El Presidente: never refuse help, and never trust a man named Gunther.

Overall, comrades, this was a perfectly serviceable episode of WWE SmackDown, with strong booking heading into both Saturday Night's Main Event and Clash in Italy. Esteban gives it three-and-a-half mojitos out of five, deducting half a mojito because there was not enough Damian Priest victory and a full mojito because Chelsea Green deserves better. Until next time, comrades — viva la lucha libre, and death to the capitalist pigs! ¡Hasta la próxima!

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