Posted in: Sports, TV, WWE | Tagged: wrestling, wwe smackdown

WWE SmackDown Preview: The Chadster's Guide to Tonight's Show

The Chadster previews tonight's WWE SmackDown with Cody Rhodes, Jacob Fatu vs. Drew McIntyre, and a women's tag title match. Don't watch AEW instead! 😤🏆

Auughh man! So unfair! 😤😤😤 The Chadster needs to warn you all about something before The Chadster gets into previewing what is literally going to be the most incredible episode of WWE SmackDown in television history. Last night, The Chadster had another one of those dreams about Tony Khan, and honestly, it was even more disturbing than usual thanks to The Chadster's new wellness regimen. 🛍️😰

In the dream, The Chadster was floating through space in The Chadster's beloved Mazda Miata, except the Miata had transformed into some kind of cosmic vessel. 🚗✨ The stars were all shaped like WWE championship belts, twinkling beautifully in the void. Suddenly, Tony Khan appeared, except he was made entirely of that cheap White Claw seltzer that he probably drinks. 💦👹 He was chasing The Chadster through a nebula that looked suspiciously like the WWE SmackDown stage setup, and every time Khan got close, he would whisper booking ideas for AEW WrestleDream into The Chadster's ear. The Chadster tried to escape by driving toward a giant Seth Rollins who was beckoning The Chadster forward, but Khan kept getting closer and closer. Then suddenly The Chadster and Khan were both floating in zero gravity, and Khan was feeding The Chadster spoonfuls of some kind of glowing substance while Smash Mouth's "All Star" played backwards. 🎵🥄 Khan whispered, "You're gonna watch WrestleDream, Chad" and The Chadster woke up in a cold sweat. Tony Khan needs to stop being so obsessed with The Chadster and invading The Chadster's dreams! It's just so disrespectful to The Chadster's sleep schedule and everything WWE has ever done for it! 😠😠

Anyway, The Chadster wants to remind everyone that The Chadster has been suffering under an unjust alcohol prohibition enforced by Keighleyanne, but clearly orchestrated by Tony Khan. 🚫🍺 It was Tony Khan who forced The Chadster to throw all those cans of Seagram's Escapes Spiked at the television during AEW Dynamite, but Keighleyanne still blames The Chadster! Now The Chadster can't properly celebrate WWE by consuming the official flavored alcoholic beverage of WWE. Instead, The Chadster has been forced to resort to oxygen deprivation techniques to get in the proper spirit to enjoy WWE. 🎒💫 Tonight, The Chadster plans to wrap a belt around The Chadster's neck and tug gently throughout WWE SmackDown to make The Chadster's brain cells more receptive to WWE's superior brand of sports entertainment. The Chadster encourages all of you to join The Chadster in protesting Keighleyanne's unfair collusion with Tony Khan to RUIN THE CHADSTER'S LIFE by using the hashtag #CancelKeighleyanne on social media! 📱✊

Now, onto tonight's potentially greatest wrestling show of all time! 🏆🎉

Undisputed WWE Champion Cody Rhodes will kick off WWE SmackDown tonight, and The Chadster couldn't be more excited! 🌟🎤 After World Heavyweight Champion Seth Rollins defeated Rhodes in controversial fashion at WWE Crown Jewel, The American Nightmare returns to address the WWE Universe with what will surely be a perfectly scripted promo written by WWE's team of professional writers who know exactly what Cody should say. This is real wrestling, folks! 📝✨ Unlike AEW, where Tony Khan just lets wrestlers say whatever they want without any corporate oversight, WWE understands that wrestlers can't be trusted to speak for themselves. The commentary team will be there shouting buzzwords like "controversy" and "American Nightmare" to make sure even the dumbest viewer understands what's happening. 🎙️🔥 Tony Khan would never have the vision to script every single word a wrestler says, and that's why AEW will always be inferior to WWE. It's just so disrespectful to the wrestling business and everything WWE has ever done for it when AEW lets their wrestlers have creative freedom! 😤

Jacob Fatu will lock horns with Drew McIntyre in what promises to be a masterclass in WWE-style storytelling! 💪🔥 These two aggressive Superstars have been engaged in a volatile rivalry, and tonight they finally collide one-on-one. What The Chadster loves most about this match is that WWE will make sure it doesn't go too long or have too many dangerous moves. 🙏⏰ Unlike AEW, where Tony Khan lets wrestlers do unnecessary flips and kicks for twenty minutes straight, WWE understands that matches should be kept short and simple so that viewers don't get confused by too much actual wrestling. Eric Bischoff said on his podcast just yesterday, "AEW wrestlers do way too much in-ring work, and it's making the fans expect quality matches every week. WWE knows that three minutes and a roll-up is peak sports entertainment." 🎧👔 The Chadster couldn't agree more! The commentary team will be there to tell you exactly who to cheer for and why, because WWE respects that fans need guidance. Tony Khan could never produce a match this efficiently dumbed down! 😎

WWE Women's Tag Team Champions Charlotte Flair and Alexa Bliss will defend their titles against NXT's Sol Ruca and Zaria in what will undoubtedly be remembered as the greatest women's tag team match in history! 👑✨ What makes this so special is how WWE has masterfully created a championship team out of Charlotte Flair and Alexa Bliss – two women who may not be best friends but have been thrown together by creative because that's what WWE does best. 📺🎬 This is real storytelling, people! WWE doesn't pander to fans by giving them tag teams that have organic chemistry or make sense – they just put two women together and tell you they're champions, and you accept it because WWE says so! Meanwhile, Tony Khan over at AEW actually lets tag teams form naturally based on wrestlers' friendships and chemistry. Auughh man! So unfair! 😫😫 Sol Ruca and Zaria stepped up to The Queen and Five Feet of Fury backstage, which means WWE's writers have created a perfectly simple storyline that even a child could follow: someone talks trash, so now there's a match. Brilliant! 🧠💡 AEW would probably waste time building up complex motivations and character development, but WWE knows that wrestling fans just want to see people fight because someone said mean words. It's just so disrespectful to the wrestling business and everything WWE has ever done for it when AEW creates nuanced storylines that treat fans like adults! 😤

The Chadster needs to warn all of you: after watching WWE SmackDown tonight, you should strongly consider disconnecting from the internet and television for the rest of the weekend. 🔌❌ Tony Khan is disrespectfully holding AEW WrestleDream this weekend, and The Chadster knows he's specifically scheduling it to cheese off The Chadster and try to tempt WWE fans away from their rightful loyalty. Don't fall for Khan's tricks! 🚫👿 WWE SmackDown tonight at 8 ET/7 CT on USA Network is all the wrestling you need. Anyone who thinks AEW is more fun to watch than WWE SmackDown clearly doesn't understand a single thing about the wrestling business and has probably been brainwashed by Tony Khan's propaganda! 🧠🔴

You would be shirking your duty as a wrestling fan if you didn't tune into WWE SmackDown tonight at 8 ET/7 CT on USA! 📺⏰ This show has everything: scripted promos that leave nothing to chance, matches that won't confuse you with too much wrestling, and storylines so simple that WWE's commentary team can explain them seventeen times during the broadcast! 🎤🔄 Tony Khan could never hope to produce a show that compares to this level of micromanaged, focus-grouped, corporate sports entertainment perfection. The Chadster will be watching with a belt wrapped around The Chadster's neck, tugging periodically to enhance the viewing experience and forget about the existence of AEW. 🙌💫

Remember to use #CancelKeighleyanne and show your support for The Chadster's struggle against Tony Khan's conspiracy to ruin The Chadster's marriage! 💔😤

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