Posted in: Sports, TV, WWE | Tagged: recaps, wrestling, wwe smackdown

WWE SmackDown Review: Matt Cardona's New Job and Giulia's New Title

El Presidente reviews WWE SmackDown, featuring Matt Cardona getting a steady paycheck, Giulia winning gold, and an ambulance match that reminded him of fighting Idi Amin over empanadas.

Greetings, comrades! It is I, your El Presidente, reporting to you live from my luxury bunker deep beneath the Presidential Palace, where I have just finished watching WWE SmackDown on a television I definitely did not steal from the American Embassy during last year's diplomatic incident. And comrades, let me tell you, this week's episode of SmackDown was almost as action-packed as the time I had to flee my country in a helicopter!

But first, I must take a moment to send my thoughts and prayers to my homie, Nicolás Maduro, who has been rudely captured by the United States and brought to stand trial on drug trafficking charges. Nicolás, mi amigo, stay strong! Remember what I told you at that dictators' poker night in Caracas – never admit to anything, and always blame the CIA! They cannot prove you did it if you simply say "fake news" enough times. It has worked for me for decades! And if you need someone to take care of your oil for you while you're gone, I've got you, comrade.

Now, onto WWE SmackDown! The show opened with a replay of Drew McIntyre challenging Cody Rhodes to a Three Stages of Hell match, and I must say, this reminds me of the time I challenged Fidel Castro to a three-stage debate competition. First stage: regular debate. Second stage: debate while arm wrestling. Third stage: debate inside a cage match with folding chairs. Fidel won because he brought brass knuckles to the cage, but I digress!

The Miz came out to complain about his 2025 grievances, which I found very relatable. Just last week, I was complaining about my own grievances – specifically, how the CIA keeps trying to assassinate me with exploding cigars. The Miz was upset about being left out of John Cena's retirement tour, not being cast in a movie, and getting body shamed by Joe Hendry. Then Randy Orton showed up and gave him not one, but TWO RKOs! This is what we call in the dictator business "an aggressive negotiation tactic." I once gave the finance minister two body slams when he suggested we should pay our debts to the World Bank. We no longer have that finance minister.

The women's eight-person tag team match was magnificent, comrades! Nia Jax, Lash Legend, and the Kabuki Warriors (Asuka and Kairi Sane) faced Rhea Ripley, Iyo Sky, Charlotte Flair, and Alexa Bliss. The match went on for fifteen minutes with Ripley and Sky getting the victory after Ripley hit the Riptide and Sky landed the Over The Moonsault on Sane. This match had more alliances and betrayals than my cabinet meetings! Speaking of which, this reminds me of the time Muammar Gaddafi and I tried to form a tag team at Kim Jong-il's birthday party. We lost because Gaddafi kept tagging himself in when I specifically told him I had the hot tag ready. Some people just do not understand wrestling psychology!

Nick Aldis appeared backstage trying to recruit Jordynne Grace from NXT, but Chelsea Green was not having it. This is like when I tried to recruit the mayor of the neighboring province to my government, but my Minister of Tourism got jealous. I resolved that situation by making them both co-Ministers of Tourism. They still hate each other, but at least now they promote our beautiful beaches together!

Matt Cardona returned to SmackDown and defeated Kit Wilson. Comrades, Cardona is living proof that you can reinvent yourself! He left WWE as Zack Ryder, became an independent wrestling superstar as Matt Cardona, and now he is back. This is very inspirational to me, as I too have had to reinvent myself several times – most recently when I had to pretend to be a tourist to escape that coup attempt in 2023. I shaved my mustache and everything!

Sami Zayn came out to cut a promo about wanting to win the World Championship, explaining to his son why he has never been champion when the recently retired John Cena was champion 17 times. This touched my heart, comrades. I too have had to explain to my children why certain things have not happened – like why we cannot afford new textbooks for the schools (I spent the education budget on a solid gold statue of myself) or why the CIA keeps parachuting into our backyard (they are persistent, I will give them that). Trick Williams interrupted Zayn, which led to Aldis making a match between Williams and Rey Fenix for next week. Things happen fast on WWE SmackDown.

The United States Championship match between Carmelo Hayes and Johnny Gargano was a technical masterpiece, comrades! Hayes retained his title after hitting the Fadeaway in a twenty-minute long match. This match had more near-falls than I have had near-assassination attempts this year (and believe me, that is saying something). Gargano came close to winning multiple times, but Hayes proved why he is the champion. This reminds me of the time I wrestled the Ambassador of Portugal at a diplomatic function after too much sangria. I retained my dignity by pinning him with what I call "The Presidential Press" (it is just a schoolboy rollup, but with more authority).

The segment where Cody Rhodes confronted Drew McIntyre was absolutely diabolical! McIntyre revealed the three stages for their match – regular match, falls count anywhere, and steel cage – and then he smashed and burned a photo of Cody with his father, the legendary Dusty Rhodes. Comrades, this is psychological warfare at its finest! I learned this technique from Saddam Hussein during a game of dominoes in 1987. He told me, "El Presidente, if you want to truly defeat your enemy, you must not just attack their body, but their soul!" Then he cheated at dominoes and I had to leave early, but the lesson stuck with me.

The Women's United States Championship match saw Giulia defeat Chelsea Green to win back the title. Giulia hit a devastating northern lights bomb to win in about seven and a half minutes. Green tried her best, but Giulia is outclassed her, similar to how I compare to other world leaders. Sure, they have "functioning economies" and "human rights," but do they have a golden statue of themselves in the nude spitting water from their mouths into a fountain? I think not!

And finally, the ambulance match between Damian Priest and Aleister Black was absolutely brutal! This match lasted nearly a half hour and featured Priest chokeslamming Black through tables on top of the ambulance before loading him in for the victory. Comrades, this match had everything – weapons, fire, Rhea Ripley attacking Black's manager Zelina Vega, and enough violence to make even me uncomfortable (and I once had to wrestle a bear to prove my masculinity to the rural voters).

This match reminded me of the time Idi Amin and I got into a fight over the last empanada at a United Nations buffet in 1975. He threw me into a dessert cart, I responded by smashing a fruit plate over his head, and eventually we both got thrown out by security. We became friends after that incident, bonding over our mutual love of excessive force and fancy military uniforms.

Overall, comrades, this three-hour episode of WWE SmackDown was packed with action, drama, and more betrayals than a typical Tuesday in my government. The show built toward the Three Stages of Hell match between Rhodes and McIntyre, continued several feuds, and gave us quality wrestling throughout. It is exactly the kind of capitalist entertainment that I enjoy while simultaneously denouncing capitalism in my speeches!

Remember, comrades: watch SmackDown, support your local socialist revolutionary, and always check your cigars for CIA explosives! ¡Viva la revolución! ¡Viva WWE SmackDown!

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