Posted in: Comics, Marvel Comics | Tagged: iron fist, News with Benefits, puffinbottoms

Revived Marvel Hero Statistically Likely to Die Again Within 9 Years

We know what you're thinking. Everygreen headline! But this is no joke! Read on for SPOILERS from a new Marvel comic in stores today!

Comic book industry analysts issued warnings Wednesday that Marvel Comics' latest sales gimmick could create a space-time paradox that threatens reality itself. As reported by Bleeding Cool Rumourmonger-in-Chief Rich Johnston earlier today, Marvel Comics broke its own previous records by killing off a major character and bringing them back in the same comic. In a twist, however, the resurrection occurred not inside the comic book itself but on a digital page that could viewed only by scanning a QR code in the back of the comic. SPOILERS BELOW… you have been warned.

Johnston goes on to describe how Rand is subsequently murdered by Ch'i-Lin. However, Johnston reveals by scanning a QR code at the end of the comic, readers can see a page set weeks later in which Rand's skeletal hand bursts out of the ground at his gravesite. "Pip pip", Johnston was quoted as shouting repeatedly in the Bleeding Cool offices after posting the article.

The QR codes, which have appeared recently in Marvel's relaunched X-books, have angered some fans who feel that a comic purchased for 4 dollars or more ought to include all of the actual pages right there in the book. However, while those employed or enthralled by Marvel have defended the QR codes pages as bonus material, the Iron Fist version is one that substantially changes the ending of the book.

But perhaps more dangerous than Marvel upsetting its own customers, admittedly not a new occurrence, is the damage Marvel could cause to the timestream itself. For more on this serious topic, we spoke with leading comics quantum morbologist and real person, Professor Thaddeus T. Puffinbottoms.

"The QR code page from Iron Fist 50th Anniversary One-Shot, which shows Iron Fist returning from the grave, will presumably lead to more stories featuring the living character," Puffinbottoms explained. "But what happens if the QR code page ceases to exist, as it's statistically likely to do? Not only will fans be unable to read the comic they purchased as originally intended, but the resulting paradox, in which Iron Fist remains dead despite appearing alive in ongoing comic book stores, could cause reality to shatter into competing timelines as difficult to understand as comic continuity itself."

Puffinbottoms refers to a 2022 Ahrefs study, updated in 2024, that found over 65% of "links pointing to the 2,062,173 websites we sampled have rotted" in the 9 years since the start of the sampling period, a well-known phenomenon for anyone familiar with Paramount's recent purge of longstanding websites for MTV, Comedy Central, Cartoon Network, and others, as well as countless similar events in the past.

"Though the content of the links might be preserved in backups or archives, the links themselves, crucial for the operation of a QR code, would cease to function," said Puffinbottoms. "Comic book continuity is built on the ability for nerds to cross-reference events that occurred in previous issues, but if a page from one of those issues were to disappear from existence, it would throw into question all subsequent events affected by the original."

"With Marvel's decision not to include Iron Fist's resurrection in the actual printed comic, the future of reality now relies on Marvel's commitment to serving its fanbase by maintaining its website in perpetuity, even when it might become more financially lucrative in the short-term to clear out old content" concluded the professor.

At press time, Marvel readers were reportedly feeling safe and calm, secure in the knowledge that Marvel has never been known to do anything detrimental to its readership in pursuit of short-term profits in the past.

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