puffinbottoms Archives

Marvel Expands Variant Obsession to Bananas, Pineapples
Puffinbottoms. "The whole point of collecting things is to keep them sealed and never actually touch or enjoy them," Professor Puffinbottoms explained, "so eating them is out of the question, obviously Only a complete philistine would purchase a collectible Black Panther pineapple and then ruin it by eating it." According to Puffinbottoms, freezing the fruit is also[...]
Nick Gage slices up the forehead of Chris Jericho right before AEW Dynamite cuts to a commercial for Domino's Pizza.
Puffinbottoms. "It was sick and disgusting," said Professor Puffinbottoms "The grossest thing I've ever experienced in my entire life, and something I never, ever want to do again." Wow You were really offended by Nick Gage slicing up Chris Jericho with that pizza cutter. "Oh, no, I was fine with that," the professor clarified "I'm talking about the[...]
Marvel to Recycle Joe Jusko Trading Cart Art for October Variants
Puffinbottoms. "Gratuitous variant covers are one of Joe Quesada's 22 Cheap Sales-Boosting Gimmicks That Always Work," said Professor Puffinbottoms "They're a classic way to bilk comic shops and readers out of money without putting any effort into making the actual stories in the comics readable But they still require hiring an artist to produce them, which[...]
Fans in Florida will have an entire weekend to catch coronavirus at AEW Double or Nothing, but now fans around the country will have a one-night-only chance to catch it watching Double or Nothing in Cinemark theaters.
Puffinbottoms. "For AEW, this is a tremendous opportunity," Puffinbottoms explained "It's a lot like when Vince McMahon used closed circuit television to take WrestleMania national, except instead of spreading WWF wrestling to the masses, it's spreading Florida's unique strains of coronavirus." Wait, Florida has unique strains of coronavirus? "Oh yes," said the Professor "The most well-known is the[...]
Hellfire Gala
Puffinbottoms. "The Hellfire Gala may be the most magnificent advancement in comic book technology since the tech bros came up with NFTs," the professor explained "Think about it One night, stretched out across twelve separate comic book, taking over the entire X-Men line No one has had the guts to milk a single event that long[...]
The cover to Batman: Urban Legends #4
Puffinbottoms. "Since the dawn of time, clear rules have existed, rules that make the business make sense," Puffinbottoms explained "Creators create the stories Actors act out the stories Corporations ruthlessly exploit both for profit If the actors are now to also create the stories, what's next? Will corporations act them out? Will creators actually profit off[...]
Superman cries in anguish at the thought of a Justice League devoid of Zack Snyder's vision before the release of the Snyder Cut.
Puffinbottoms. "What the Snyderbronies have accomplished so far is an inspiration for the aggrieved hardcore fans of any pop culture property," Puffinbottoms explained "Did the Starbronies manage to get George Lucas do undo his stupid Special Edition edits? No Did Firebronies manage to purchase the rights to Firefly and give them to Nathan Fillion so he[...]
Dave Bautista is involved in a long-running feud with fellow WWE Hall-of-Famer President Donald Trump
Puffinbottoms, lead electionologist at the prestigious University of Phoenix. But despite being basically single-handedly responsible for saving American democracy, Dave Bautista remains humble Just look at his response to a statement by new Secretary of Transportation, Mayor Pete Buttigieg, who wrote on Twitter after he was confirmed by the Senate on Tuesday, "I'm honored and humbled[...]
Modern Family Wraps Up Last Season and Party
Puffinbottoms. "Capullo's stance actually complies with CDC recommendations," Puffinbottoms explained "So long as he doesn't rub his eyes with his fist or put his fist in his mouth, this should keep him safe, assuming he also follows all other guidelines In fact, it may help to quell the spread of coronavirus worldwide." Really? "Yes," Puffinbottoms explained[...]
CM Punk Will Appear at Starrcast, All But Confirming AEW All Out Involvement
"Plans can change." "Well, you know, brother, let me tell you something," said Seltzer's co-host, retired 1980s pro wrestler Thaddeus "The Professor" Puffinbottoms "It's a well known scientific fact that whether or not C.M Punk will appear at a wrestling event can be determined by watching to see if he signs up for a convention." "If Punk[...]
Report: Schrodinger's Dean Ambrose to Both Leave and Stay in WWE at the Same Time
"The Crusher" Puffinbottoms, a world-renowned expert and wrestlologist at one of the country's most prestigious higher learning academies, the WCW Power Plant. "It's really very simple," Professor Puffinbottoms explained "Dean Ambrose is facing a dilemma Should he stay in WWE, where he has reportedly been unhappy with his creative direction? Or should he go somewhere where[...]
Black Panther
Puffinbottoms. "Technically, the C.I.A report is correct," Professor Puffinbottoms told us "But it was unnecessarily cruel to attack the nation of Wakanda's primary resource both on the same night the movie lost the Best Picture Oscar and while the country's ruler, King T'Challa, is still missing following Thanos's finger snap of doom at the end of[...]