puffinbottoms



Greg Capullo to Combat Convention Coronavirus with his Fists

Greg Capullo to Combat Convention Coronavirus with his Fists

Puffinbottoms."Capullo's stance actually complies with CDC recommendations," Puffinbottoms explained "So long as he doesn't rub his eyes with his fist or put his fist in his mouth, this should keep him safe, assuming he also follows all other guidelines In fact, it may help to quell the spread of coronavirus worldwide."Really?"Yes," Puffinbottoms explained[...]

DC Unveils Ultra-Rare Doug Mahnke Cake Variant at C2E2

DC Unveils Ultra-Rare Doug Mahnke Cake Variant at C2E2

Puffinbottoms."Everyone knows that the 25th anniversary is the cake anniversary," Puffinbottoms explained "While the 18th anniversary is the unceremonious firing anniversary.""Aside from that, it's just good business policy to reward the tenure of some employees with sweet baked goods and others with pink slips," the Professor continued "You have to keep employees on their toes."Bleeding[...]

DC Launches Credit Card Line So You Can Afford Outrageously-Priced Comics

DC Launches Credit Card Line So You Can Afford Outrageously-Priced Comics

Puffinbottoms "Now you can buy all the comics you want to read without worrying about the price tag Just put it on the card and forget about it! All you have to do is pay the minimum payment each month.. for life, or until you declare bankruptcy What better way to fully immerse oneself in[...]

CM Punk Will Appear at Starrcast All But Confirming AEW All Out Involvement

CM Punk Will Appear at Starrcast, All But Confirming AEW All Out Involvement

"Plans can change.""Well, you know, brother, let me tell you something," said Seltzer's co-host, retired 1980s pro wrestler Thaddeus "The Professor" Puffinbottoms "It's a well known scientific fact that whether or not C.M Punk will appear at a wrestling event can be determined by watching to see if he signs up for a convention.""If Punk[...]


Report: Schrodingers Dean Ambrose to Both Leave and Stay in WWE at the Same Time

Report: Schrodinger's Dean Ambrose to Both Leave and Stay in WWE at the Same Time

"The Crusher" Puffinbottoms, a world-renowned expert and wrestlologist at one of the country's most prestigious higher learning academies, the WCW Power Plant."It's really very simple," Professor Puffinbottoms explained "Dean Ambrose is facing a dilemma Should he stay in WWE, where he has reportedly been unhappy with his creative direction? Or should he go somewhere where[...]

Oscars Shocker: CIA Reveals Vibranium from Black Panther Isnt Real

Oscars Shocker: CIA Reveals Vibranium from Black Panther Isn't Real

Puffinbottoms."Technically, the C.I.A report is correct," Professor Puffinbottoms told us "But it was unnecessarily cruel to attack the nation of Wakanda's primary resource both on the same night the movie lost the Best Picture Oscar and while the country's ruler, King T'Challa, is still missing following Thanos's finger snap of doom at the end of[...]



Marvels Fantastic Four Relaunch by the Numbers

Marvel's Fantastic Four Relaunch by the Numbers

Puffinbottoms."Of course there are hidden messages in the numerology of Fantastic Four #1," Puffinbottoms revealed "Just look at the solicit There will be 16 variant covers for Fantastic Four #1 That's 4 times 4 variant covers, or 4 squared What is Marvel trying to say here?"According to Professor Puffinbottoms, the number of variant covers for[...]

Now Shoe Company Clarks Confuses Children for Superheroes

Now Shoe Company Clarks Confuses Children for Superheroes

Puffinbottoms."When is the last time a child dressed up like a bat and patrolled the dark and seedy streets at night, protecting law-abiding citizens from a criminal menace?" Professor Puffinbottomas asked "Never! That's the answer Children aren't allowed to stay up past their bedtime."According to Puffinbottoms, children are not superheroes at all."Just like teachers, children[...]

Scotlands Best Superhero Returns in Saltire: Legend Eternal

Scotland's Best Superhero Returns in Saltire: Legend Eternal

Puffinbottoms, but Puffinbottoms informed us that the mail-order academy that issued his doctorate in Scotology was discredited in a massive fraud lawsuit, and he is therefore no longer legally permitted to speak on the subject However, the professor was able to put us in touch with his cousin from across the pond, and a Scotology expert hailing[...]

DC Releases Comic Book Sequel to Animated Suicide Squad Film a Week Before Movie Comes Out

DC Releases Comic Book Sequel to Animated Suicide Squad Film a Week Before Movie Comes Out

Puffinbottoms."How can you have a sequel to something that hasn't been released yet?" Professor Puffinbottoms pondered "It flies into the face of the entire body of knowledge assembled in the field of continuology!"Professor Puffinbottoms explained that it's possible to release a movie or comic book, and then later release a prequel, which takes place before[...]

Shane McMahon Horribly Injured in Brutal Wrestling Attack

Shane McMahon Horribly Injured in Brutal Wrestling Attack

Puffinbottoms."You don't want to know what a laryngeal contusion feels like," Puffinbottoms warned us, shaking his head solemnly "To compound it with both trapezius and rhomboid strains is even more dangerous, and Shane McMahon will have a long road to recovery ahead of him."Thankfully, Puffinbottoms noted that McMahon avoided potentially even more serious injuries at[...]

Dow Plummets After Cloverfield Paradox Earns 16% Rotten Tomatoes Score

Dow Plummets After Cloverfield Paradox Earns 16% Rotten Tomatoes Score

Puffinbottoms."These two events happened sequentially, so it looks plausible to me," said Puffinbottoms, barely paying attention.Hey! This is important here!"Sorry, I'm trying to shift all of my assets to bitcoin," the professor explained "This is bad It's really bad."Could the poor critical reception of a Netflix movie really cause this kind of financial chaos?"The war[...]


Goosebumps 2 Release Date Pushed Back to Dilute Dangerous Levels of Jack Black

Goosebumps 2 Release Date Pushed Back to Dilute Dangerous Levels of Jack Black

Puffinbottoms "Sure, Jack Black is still overbearing and obnoxious, but most people hardly notice it anymore due to antibodies produced in our gall bladders The human body is extremely resilient."However, according to Puffinbottoms, our immune systems could easily be overwhelmed by an extreme concentration of Jack Black."A few years ago, HBO played Shallow Hal, Gulliver's[...]

New Titan Comic Factory Depicts a Strangely Familiar Dystopian Wasteland

New Titan Comic, Factory, Depicts a Strangely Familiar Dystopian Wasteland

Puffinbottoms."Oh, yes, the transfer of wealth to the richest 1% of people which has been happening for decades could very well result in the exact type of wasteland you describe," Professor Puffinbottoms agreed "Though the tax plan offers short term cuts for most Americans, many of those will eventually expire, and it's the wealthiest who[...]