Posted in: Movies, Video Games | Tagged: activision, e3, EA, entertainment, microsoft, nintendo, sony, Take-Two Interactive, Ubi Soft, video games

E3: How Wrong Can We Be?

Published Sun, 01 Jun 2014 23:30:52 -0500

by Hannah Means Shannon

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By Jared Cornelius

So the annual Electronic Entertainment Expo or E3 as it's commonly referred to is coming up in LA in a few weeks, and we're sure to find out a whole mess of new information on games and systems. E3 is almost always the year's biggest gaming event for the console makers and publishers, and each year they vie for your attention as they tell you about the latest and greatest in gaming. Some of the year's hottest titles, and biggest announcements are sure to wow, but what are those announcements? Gaming sites and news outlets often make E3 predictions about the upcoming event, so why shouldn't I?

Microsoft will open its press conference with new Microsoft Corporate VP Phil Harrison apologizing for the Xbox One, he'll do so while dressed as Master Chief and proceed to take a baseball bat to a Kinect sensor. After destroying the Kinect, Harrison will strip his armor and reveal the new Xbox One price tag of $99.99 tattooed on his chest, then turn around to reveal his, "Suck It Sony" tattoo on his back. Harrison will then tell us that Halo 5 is not being delayed but being released this very moment, as he tells the audience to look under their chairs.

Instead of finding a new copy of Halo 5, fans attending the event will find a live ferret under every seat in the room. The confusion will lead Harrison to announce the Xbox One's new mascot "Freddy the Microsoft Ferret" staring in his first video game, "Freddy's Xbone Adventure". Harrison will then then give the stage to Larry "Major Nelson" Hryb, who'll talk about the next gen features they've integrated and will integrate into the Xbox One. For starters television integration will now be mandatory, meaning you have to watch TV at all times, even when playing games. He'll also announce they've struck a deal to run episodes of Here Comes Honey Boo Boo in the background of the Xbox One dashboard. The Xbox One will be able to tell if you're not paying attention to the television and delete your game saves and achievement points if your attention is away from the TV functionality. Hryb will then invite former Xbox Head Don Mattrick to come out and urinate on an Xbox 360 while simultaneously flipping off a slide show of service men, yelling "Bet you wish you had Wi-Fi!" As Mattrick drunkenly stumbles away from the stage, he'll tell the audience about the next Forza game that uses the Kinect sensor to steal your identity and max out your credit cards on microtransactions.

Not to be outdone, Sony executive Kaz Hirai takes the stage dressed as Master Chief. Hirai will also start out the Sony conference by apologizing for the Xbox One, then proceed to smash a Kinect sensor with a baseball bat. Hirai will then reveal the PlayStation 4's new price of $98.99 with a puppy included. Hirai will tell the audience Sony has acquired the Fable franchise as well as Larry Hryb in a hostile rights acquisition. Hirai tells the audience that Microsoft can keep Hryb, but he may only talk about Sony branded products on his blog and podcast.

Hirai then informs the audience that streaming on the PlayStation 4 has become so successful, they've set up their own streaming sex-cam service on the PS4. The audience gasps in shock as they see an oiled Kaz Hirai on the big screen with a tropical fruit hat and several unmentionable plastic devices surrounding him. Hirai will then relinquish the stage to marketing executive Guy Longworth. Longworth will talk about Sony's other successful add campaigns' including the, "It does everything" and those creepy baby adds. Longworth will announce the PlayStation's new slogan, "Microsoft is spying on you and touches itself when doing so." Longworth then uses a T-shirt cannon to fire burritos into the audience as Rick Astley's Never Gonna Give You Up plays on the big screen. While doing this Sony will roll out a video with box art for the new exclusive game they'll be releasing every week, including Ratchet & Clank, Infamous, Battlefield, NBA 2K16, and Borderlands.

In recent years Nintendo has forgone E3 to put on their own presentation, they will continue this tradition by holding their press conference in a Motel 6 bar. Nintendo of America President, Reggie Fils-aime, will continue the trend of executives being drunk and will start the show crying at the bar pleading for the casual audience to take them back. Fils-aime will cry into a bowl of pretzels exclaiming that they'll make Wii Sports over again if the casual's come back. At some point he'll make a drunk dial to Pizza Huts corporate headquarters asking for a booty call for old times' sake. Fils-aime will be even more despondent when he realizes he's called the Domino's corporate headquarters. Fils-aime will finally get himself together and announce that Nintendo's handheld success will continue with their new Nintendo 1DS. The 1DS will boast only one screen, have no 3D functionality, and cost $100 more than the 3DS.

Nintendo will continue their hardware announcements with the Wii 2 which will actually be 4 Nintendo GameCubes duck taped together. Wanting to get back in the good graces of the mommy blogger audience, Nintendo will reveal "Wine Drinker Pro" for the Wii U, it won't be so much of a game, but more a device that tracks how much wine your mom drank while ignoring the family. The elderly won't be left out either with the reveal trailer for "Family Visits". Nintendo's very own family simulator to keep your elderly relative company so you don't have to. Fil-aime will close the event by telling the audience if they don't buy a Wii U they'll have Mario canonically murdered and the Mushroom Kingdom plunged into 1000 years of darkness.

The game publishers will have their respective press conferences, these will be the highlights. EA will announce they're releasing Madden 2018 because this version is 4 years better. In addition Battlefield games will now cost $120 dollars at launch and won't work correctly for a full year. EA will also stun audiences with their revamped digital store, Origin, will now cost you money to launch from your desktop every time, and will charge $1 a minute. All $60 games will have microtransactions, and will now be charging for extra lives.

Ubi Soft will shock the audience by revealing Beyond Good & Evil 2, only to cancel it 5 minutes later. The Assassin's Creed games will now be out 4 times a year, with the next game being set in Dayton Ohio during the dust bowl. Ubi Soft will also reveal changes to its UPlay program, telling the audience you must submit to a DNA sample every time you load up Ubi Soft PC game. The sequel to Far Cry 4 will be announced and subtitled, "White guy goes to a different country and kills all people of all different colors". Ubi Soft will rationalize it by saying they're not racist because they dated a Hispanic girl once for two weeks.

Activision will have CEO Bobby Kotick sit atop the Iron Throne while a shower of money falls from the ceiling. He'll shout, "CALL OF DUTY" at the top of his lungs while serving wenches pour more wine into his golden chalice. We'll then get a glimpse of the next Call of Duty game titled, "You don't care what we call this, you'll buy anything that has Call of Duty on it!" Kotick will tell the audience "Call of Duty: YDCWWCTYVATHCODOI" (for short) has surpassed all financial expectations and has made Activision so wealthy they've purchased Poland. Activision will also announce they've decided to let Blizzard go free, then laugh as they lead several of the developers off stage in chains.

Take-Two Interactive will tell the audience they've taken a more family friendly approach. They proceed to reveal "Grand Theft Auto Branson Missouri". The lead character will be revealed to be an up and coming country singer from Utah with dreams of making it in the big city of Branson. Players will be encouraged to follow all laws and not run anyone over, more footage reveals that most of the game has you transporting elderly people to the Piggly Wiggly. Take-Two will also show off the new WWE game that will have all new next generation features, like enhanced baby oil physics and botch-o-mania style replays. Perhaps most shocking of all Take-Two will reveal "Bioshock Infinite-er", the sequel to Bioshock Infinite will see Booker Dewitt and Elizabeth going from lighthouse to lighthouse trying to discover a bathroom.

Well, there are my predictions for E3– how many of them will come true? Only time will tell. Until then, why not check out my regular columns like, Typing on The Dead: Bleeding Cool's Walking Dead recap. Live(ish) From the Games Shop, where I tell you about the weeks hot new video game tapes. You can also find out about the other stuff I do during the week by following me @John_Laryngitis on Twitter, I respond to everyone who tweets at me, so stop by and say hello.

Jared Cornelius is some guy from New Jersey's coast who's hoping one of his predictions comes true. If you want to figure out the Vegas odds, contact him on Twitter @John_Laryngitis

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