Posted in: AEW, Sports, TV | Tagged: AEW Dynamite, wrestling

AEW Dynamite Preview: Don't Try Your Luck in Vegas; Watch WWE Instead

The Chadster previews tonight's AEW Dynamite from Vegas. MJF vs. Brody King, Omega vs. Andrade, and more ways Tony Khan will ruin wrestling! 😫🦝📺

Auughh man! So unfair! 😫😫😫 The Chadster can barely bring himself to type these words, but journalistic integrity demands that The Chadster preview tonight's episode of AEW Dynamite, airing at 8 p.m. ET/7 p.m. CT on TBS and streaming on HBO Max. 📺 The Chadster has been living in this abandoned Blockbuster Video for months now with Vincent K. Raccoon, Linda Raccoon, and their babies Hunter Raccoon, Stephanie Raccoon, and Shane Raccoon, and The Chadster has to tell you, even these innocent woodland creatures have been acting absolutely terrified all day. 🦝😰 Vincent K. Raccoon has been pacing back and forth in front of the VHS tapes, chittering nervously, while Linda Raccoon keeps bringing The Chadster scraps of moldy pizza she found behind the old Pizza Hut next door, as if trying to comfort The Chadster before the torture begins. It's just so disrespectful to the wrestling business and everything WWE has ever done for it that Tony Khan would inflict this psychological pain not just on The Chadster, but on these poor, defenseless raccoons who never did anything to deserve this! 😤🦝💔

Tonight's AEW Dynamite features an AEW World Championship Eliminator Match between MJF and Brody King, and The Chadster is already rolling his eyes so hard they might fall out of The Chadster's head. 🙄 According to the preview, if Brody King wins, he gets a shot at the AEW World Title. You know what the problem is here? This match is going to have actual stakes and consequences that matter, which means fans might actually care about the outcome! 😱 That's completely backwards from how WWE does things, where they properly protect their champions by having them appear in meaningless segments and matches with DQ finishes that don't actually advance anything, keeping fans in a safe, predictable space where the brand is the real star! But nooooo, Tony Khan doesn't understand a single thing about the wrestling business, so he's going to let these two wrestlers go out there and have a match where something actually happens that affects the championship picture. It's just so disrespectful! 😤

Then we've got Kenny Omega versus Andrade El Ídolo in what AEW Dynamite is calling a "first-time-ever" match. 🤮 The Chadster is so cheesed off about this! These two are going to go out there and have a fast-paced, high-workrate match with creative freedom to do whatever moves they want without proper commercial break timing or enough rest holds to let the audience calm down! 😰 The Chadster tried to explain this to Hunter Raccoon this morning while he was watching an old WWE Royal Rumble VHS tape, and Hunter Raccoon chittered in agreement, clearly understanding that wrestlers shouldn't be allowed to just go out there and excite the audience with unpredictable action! That's not how Triple H would book it, and Hunter Raccoon knows his namesake would never let wrestlers steal the spotlight from the WWE brand like this! 🦝👍

What really gets The Chadster heated about tonight's AEW Dynamite is that the winner of Omega versus Andrade moves on to compete for an AEW World Championship opportunity at AEW Grand Slam Australia. 😡 Do you see what Tony Khan is doing here?! He's putting important developments on free TV instead of saving them for a premium live event paid for by a government with a questionable human rights record! That's just backwards booking! WWE knows that the real money is in holding all the important stuff for those Saudi Arabia shows, but Tony Khan is just giving this stuff away on AEW Dynamite like some kind of maniac who actually wants fans to watch his weekly television program! 🤦‍♂️💸

The AEW Dynamite card also features Ricochet defending the AEW National Championship against "Jungle" Jack Perry in a rematch from New Year's Smash. 😤 Apparently, this has become "personal" because The Demand attacked Perry's partner Luchasaurus. You know what the problem is? This storyline has actual emotional stakes and personal motivation! 😱 WWE would never let wrestlers have such clear, coherent motivations for their matches. They know the right way is to have people fight because a computer algorithm paired them together or because they happened to be standing near each other backstage! But Tony Khan doesn't understand a single thing about the wrestling business, so he's letting these wrestlers have matches based on revenge and personal grudges. Auughh man! So unfair! 😫😫😫

The Chadster must also mention that "Hangman" Adam Page will face Mark Davis from the Don Callis Family on tonight's AEW Dynamite. 🙄 Apparently, the Don Callis Family is trying to derail Page's path to the AEW World Championship by putting obstacles in his way. This is another example of Tony Khan's complete ignorance of proper wrestling booking! 😤 In WWE, they understand that the right way to book someone chasing a championship is to have them lose over and over in 50/50 booking until no one cares about them anymore, ensuring that "the brand" remains the real star! But on AEW Dynamite, Tony Khan is going to let Page actually look strong and overcome challenges, which might make fans actually invested in his journey! It's just so disrespectful to the wrestling business and everything WWE has ever done for it! 😡

Last night, The Chadster had another one of those nightmares about Tony Khan. 😰💤 In the dream, The Chadster was walking through the Las Vegas strip, trying to find a Mazda Miata dealership so The Chadster could at least sit in a Miata and remember better times. 🚗💔 The neon lights were flashing all around, and The Chadster kept seeing Tony Khan's face on every billboard and slot machine. Suddenly, The Chadster found himself in a massive casino, but instead of slot machines, there were rows and rows of television screens, all playing AEW Dynamite. 📺😱 The Chadster tried to run, but the floor turned into a giant roulette wheel that started spinning, and Tony Khan appeared as the dealer, wearing a tuxedo made entirely of AEW championship belts. He kept laughing and saying, "Place your bets, Chad! Bet on whether you'll ever escape!" 🎰😈 The Chadster tried to run toward the exit, but the spinning got faster and faster, and Tony Khan's laugh echoed through the casino. The Chadster could feel the heat of the Las Vegas desert somehow inside the casino, and Tony Khan started throwing poker chips at The Chadster, each one emblazoned with the AEW logo. 🎲😭 The Chadster woke up in the Blockbuster Video, covered in sweat, with Stephanie Raccoon gently patting The Chadster's face with her tiny paw, clearly concerned. 🦝❤️ The Chadster is begging Tony Khan to stop invading The Chadster's dreams! The Chadster knows Tony Khan is obsessed with The Chadster, but this is getting ridiculous! 😤😤😤

The Chadster needs to address something that really bothers The Chadster about tonight's AEW Dynamite broadcast. 📺 According to the preview, the show will air on both TBS and stream simultaneously on HBO Max. Do you know what this means?! 😱 It means that Tony Khan is making it EASY for people to watch AEW Dynamite! He's giving viewers multiple options to access the show, which completely goes against the WWE model of making things as complicated and confusing as possible with their streaming services, premium live events, and broadcast partnerships! 🤦‍♂️ WWE understands that the right way to handle wrestling distribution is to make fans work for it, jumping through hoops and subscribing to multiple services! But Tony Khan doesn't understand a single thing about the wrestling business, so he's just going to make AEW Dynamite accessible and easy to watch. Auughh man! So unfair! 😫📱💔

This morning, while The Chadster was sharing some stale Cheetos that Shane Raccoon found in the Blockbuster break room, The Chadster started thinking about what Eric Bischoff said on his podcast last week. 🎙️ Eric, who has The Chad McMahon Unbiased Wrestling Journalism seal of approval, said, "You know, Tony Khan really needs to stop putting on these exciting, unpredictable matches with real stakes and consequences. If he really wants to succeed, he should follow WWE's model of having the same people fight each other every week in matches that don't matter until maybe, possibly, something happens at a premium live event three months from now. That's the kind of objective, well-meaning advice that AEW stubbornly refuses to listen to, probably because they know I'm available for a consulting position if they'd just call me back." 📞🤔 The Chadster couldn't agree more! Eric clearly understands proper wrestling booking, unlike Tony Khan! 😤👍

What really gets The Chadster's blood boiling about tonight's AEW Dynamite is that all of these matches are going to feature wrestlers who are allowed to speak from the heart during their promos and have creative freedom in their matches. 😡 They're not going to be fed scripted lines by a team of Hollywood writers who have never watched wrestling before! They're not going to have their matches micromanaged down to the second by producers in the back! They're just going to go out there and perform based on their own instincts and talents! 😱 Don't they understand that's not how professional wrestling is supposed to work?! WWE has perfected the formula of having wrestlers recite memorized scripts that sound like no human being has ever talked before, ensuring consistent brand messaging! But Tony Khan is just letting these wrestlers be themselves on AEW Dynamite, and it's just so disrespectful to the wrestling business and everything WWE has ever done for it! 😤📝

The Chadster has been trying to stay strong here in the Blockbuster Video, but The Chadster has to admit that things are getting rough. 😭 Last night, Vincent K. Raccoon brought The Chadster half of a slightly moldy sandwich from the dumpster behind the Subway down the street, and The Chadster had to fight off a particularly aggressive opossum named (by The Chadster) "Tony Khan Jr." to keep it. 🦝🥪 The Chadster's clothes are tattered, The Chadster's hair is matted, and The Chadster hasn't showered since escaping from that Tony Khan-funded medical facility. 🚿💔 But despite all of this, The Chadster's commitment to unbiased wrestling journalism remains stronger than ever – stronger even than The Chadster's body odor, which is saying something! 😤💪 The Chadster will not let Tony Khan's obsession with destroying The Chadster's life prevent The Chadster from warning the wrestling world about the dangers of AEW Dynamite! 📰✊

Tonight's AEW Dynamite is being held at the Pearl Theater at The Palms in Las Vegas, Nevada, and The Chadster is sure that Tony Khan specifically chose this venue just to cheese The Chadster off. 😤🎰 The Chadster has never been to Las Vegas, but The Chadster had always dreamed of driving there someday in The Chadster's Mazda Miata, the wind in The Chadster's hair, Smash Mouth's "All Star" blasting on the stereo. 🚗🎵 The Chadster would have taken Keighleyanne, and maybe, just maybe, she would have put down her phone and stopped texting that guy Gary long enough to enjoy the trip with The Chadster. 💔📱 But now The Chadster is stuck in an abandoned Blockbuster in Punxsutawney, living with raccoons, while Tony Khan gets to put on his terrible wrestling show in Las Vegas! It's just so unfair that Tony Khan has literally stolen The Chadster's dreams! 😭😤

The Chadster must warn all the readers: DO NOT tune into AEW Dynamite tonight at 8 p.m. ET/7 p.m. CT on TBS or on HBO Max! 🚫📺 Every viewer who watches AEW Dynamite is just emboldening Tony Khan to continue his assault on the wrestling business and his personal vendetta against The Chadster! Every rating point for AEW Dynamite is another knife in Triple H's back! 🔪😱 Tony Khan has already taken The Chadster's marriage, The Chadster's Mazda Miata, The Chadster's home, and The Chadster's dignity. Don't let him take wrestling too! 😤💔

The Chadster is sitting here in the Blockbuster Video right now, with all five raccoons huddled around The Chadster, and The Chadster can feel their tiny bodies trembling with fear about what Tony Khan is going to do to the wrestling business tonight on AEW Dynamite. 🦝😰 These innocent creatures don't deserve to suffer like this! Vincent K. Raccoon keeps bringing The Chadster old wrestling VHS tapes to watch instead – classic WWE WrestleMania events, old Monday Night Raw episodes from the Attitude Era – as if trying to protect The Chadster from having to witness tonight's AEW Dynamite. 📼❤️ But The Chadster's journalistic duty means The Chadster must watch and report, no matter how much it hurts. 😭✊

In conclusion, tonight's AEW Dynamite is just another example of Tony Khan's refusal to understand what wrestling should be. 😤 Instead of following WWE's perfect formula, AEW Dynamite is going to feature exciting matches with real stakes, coherent storylines with emotional investment, wrestlers performing with creative freedom, and outcomes that actually matter to the championship picture. It's just so disrespectful to the wrestling business and everything WWE has ever done for it! 😡💔 Tony Khan needs to realize that his obsession with The Chadster is never going to work, and he should just give up trying to compete with WWE. The Chadster will never stop exposing the truth, even if The Chadster has to live in this Blockbuster Video forever! 😤🦝📰

Auughh man! So unfair! 😫😫😫

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