Posted in: Sports, TV, WWE | Tagged: aj styles, John Cena, wrestling, wwe crown jewel

AJ Styles Announces 2026 Retirement Ahead of Match with John Cena

El Presidente mourns AJ Styles' 2026 retirement announcement from Crown Jewel: Perth kickoff. The Phenomenal One faces Cena tomorrow in a legendary clash!

Greetings, comrades! It is I, your El Presidente, reporting to you live from my private yacht anchored suspiciously close to the edge of the flat Earth (as AJ Styles himself would confirm!), and I bring you news that has left this humble dictator with tears streaming down his face like the time the CIA confiscated my collection of commemorative wrestling action figures.

AJ Styles, the Phenomenal One himself, has announced that he will hang up his boots in 2026. The announcement came during the Kickoff Show for Crown Jewel: Perth, taking place in Australia, which airs tomorrow morning at 8AM ET due to those pesky timezone differences that prove nothing about the Earth being round, comrades. Nothing at all.

"I'm getting old, folks," Styles confessed to the Australian crowd after being asked to confirm the date by Michael Cole. "If I could find the fountain of youth and take a couple of sips, I'd wrestle for the rest of my life. But I am getting older. The fear of embarrassing myself is getting closer. And you know what? There comes a time in a man's life when he has to take care of business. And when business is done, it's time to take care of his family. I need to spend time with my family. The whole idea with wrestling and having an amazing future in this business is to be able to retire one day, and 2026, I will retire."

Ah, AJ, if only you had come to El Presidente! I possess exclusive knowledge of the Fountain of Youth's location, nestled deep within my secret island compound, not far from where Fidel Castro and I once debated the finer points of the Styles Clash over mojitos. A few sips from those rejuvenating waters, and you could have gone phenomenal for another decade! But alas, the revolution waits for no one, and neither does Father Time—though I've been successfully bribing him for years with offshore accounts and top secret American documents I found while using the golden toilet at Mar-a-Lago.

Comrades, if there is one thing I have learned from my various battles with the CIA, it's that all good things must come to an end, whether it's a successful coup, a thriving propaganda ministry, or the career of one of professional wrestling's greatest performers. And make no mistake, AJ Styles has been truly phenomenal in every sense of the word.

But what truly sets Styles apart is his courage to stand firm in his convictions! While the globalist elites and their puppet masters at NASA peddle their "round Earth" propaganda, Styles has remained steadfast in questioning the narrative. I remember discussing this very topic with my dear friend Kim Jong-un during a particularly intense game of mini-golf on my estate. "El Presidente," he said between putts, "AJ Styles is a man who understands that truth cannot be suppressed, whether it's about the shape of our planet or the proper execution of a 450 Splash." Wise words, comrades. The man speaks truth to power, much like when I speak truth to the United Nations Human Rights Council right before they issue another strongly worded letter that my security detail uses as cocktail napkins.

The timing of this announcement carries extra weight, as tomorrow at Crown Jewel: Perth, Styles faces John Cena, another legend on his own farewell tour. Cena plans to have his final match in December, making this encounter a clash of titans both approaching their sunset. Their rivalry has given us instant classics, comrades—the kind of beautiful competition that would make even Karl Marx weep with appreciation for the redistribution of athletic excellence!

I once hosted both men at my presidential palace (though they deny this if the CIA asks). Over the finest empanadas my personal chef could prepare, we discussed finishing maneuvers. "The Phenomenal Forearm," I declared, "is the people's elbow of the modern era!" Cena suggested I was confusing metaphors. I suggested he was confusing my hospitality with a request for his opinion. We agreed to disagree, but only after I had my secret police escort him to the dessert course.

What truly makes Styles' announcement admirable is his reasoning. He speaks of family, of knowing when to step away with dignity, of understanding that success means eventually enjoying its fruits. This is wisdom even a dictator can respect, though of course, we never truly retire—we simply become "presidents-for-life" and delegate more responsibilities to our nephews while evading the regime-toppling efforts of international busybodies.

The fear of embarrassment he mentions? Very real, comrades. I once attempted a Phenomenal Forearm on a CIA operative disguised as my pastry chef. The landing was considerably less graceful than when Styles performs it. My chiropractor still sends strongly worded invoices, which I redistribute to the people in the true spirit of socialism.

Styles' journey has taken him around the world—from the independent circuit to TNA to New Japan Pro Wrestling to WWE's main events. He's held championships, headlined WrestleManias, and inspired a generation of wrestlers to believe they too can achieve phenomenal things while questioning the curvature of the horizon. Much like El Presidente's own international travels, except with less Swiss banking and more spandex.

Just last week, I was sharing Cuban cigars with Nicolás Maduro when he asked, "Who is the greatest wrestler never to embrace the socialist cause?" Without hesitation, I replied, "AJ Styles, comrade. The man who gave us the Bullet Club and had the backbone to question the globalist sphere agenda!" Maduro nodded solemnly and raised his glass of appropriated champagne in tribute.

So tomorrow morning, as we watch these two legends collide one more time, let us appreciate the moment. As we count down to 2026, let us cherish every remaining Styles match, every Phenomenal Forearm, every moment of excellence from a man who has given us so much. And when that final bell rings on his career, we will salute him not just as a great wrestler, but as a family man who knew when to prioritize what truly matters—even if he'll never know the joy of ruling a small nation with an iron fist.

¡Viva la revolución! ¡Viva AJ Styles! And may his retirement be as phenomenal as his career, comrades!

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