Edge vs. Seth Rollins Hell in a Cell Added to WWE Crown Jewel

Following last night's episode of WWE Smackdown, there are now six matches booked for WWE Crown Jewel, taking place in Saudi Arabia on Thursday, October 21st. As the authoritarian dictator of an oppressed nation, Bleeding Cool felt that I, your El Presidente, would be best suited to write about the card for Crown Jewel, an event paid for by the government of Saudi Arabia. Comrades, I don't necessarily agree with some of the Saudi Royal Family's method, but game recognizes game, and I have to hand to them for figuring out how to get away with whatever they want and remain allies with the United States: by being stupidly rich. Haw haw haw haw haw!

Edge vs. Seth Rollins Hell in a Cell Added to WWE Crown Jewel

The latest match added to Crown Jewel will see Edge take on Seth Rollins inside Hell in a Cell. Edge is a little upset because Rollins broke into his house and stole his apples. Edge is very proud of his apples and he's not about to have another wrestler just eat them without asking. Also, Edge was concerned about the safety of his family.

In the biggest match of the show so far, Roman Reigns will defend his WWE Universal Championship against Brock Lesnar. It's a matchup that could, and has, taken place at WrestleMania, but the government of Saudi Arabia is not paying WWE tens of millions of dollars to put on WrestleMania, are they? No, they aren't comrades. Surrounding this match is drama over whose side Paul Heyman is really on: his former boss, Lesnar, or his new boss, Reigns? If I know Heyman — and I have had my fair share of my own spineless toadies, comrades — then it will be the side of whoever emerges victorious at the event. Haw haw haw haw haw!

Probably the next biggest match on the card will be a triple threat match with Becky Lynch defending the Smackdown Women's Championship against Bianca Belair and Sasha Banks. Not only will this match decide the fate of the championship, but it will also provide WWE with an important opportunity to claim that their partnership with a totalitarian regime is somehow a catalyst for social progress because the government is allowing women to participate in a fake fight. But if it's anything like Smackdown this week, the match will last a maximum of three minutes.

Booked on WWE Raw earlier this week, Bobby Lashley will face Bill Goldberg in a no holds barred match. The Goldberg match will fulfill the annual tradition of the former WCW star nearly dying or causing the death of his opponent by competing in the desert heat despite clearly being two decades past his prime and not belonging anywhere near a wrestling ring. The match is also in service of getting Goldberg's teenage son over with a wrestling crowd, supporting another principle on which both WWE and the Saudi Arabian royal family are aligned: nepotism.

In a battle for the WWE Championship, Drew McIntyre will challenge champion Big E in Saudi Arabia. The match will mark the first time a Scotsman wielding a massive claymore came to the region looking for a fight since the Crusades. McIntyre is hoping to have better luck this time around.

Additionally, AJ Styles and Omos will challenge RKBro for the Raw Tag Team Championships. The match serves a dual purpose, as not only does it add another championship bout to the card, but also, if the government tries to detain the roster from returning to the United States because Vince McMahon cuts the TV feed over a monetary dispute again, Vince can tell them about the weed Riddle snuck into the country and flee while they're distracted giving Riddle the death penalty. Haw haw haw haw! It's exactly what I would do! Every good leader needs a good patsy!

Crown Jewel will stream on Peacock in the United States and on the WWE Network elsewhere starting at Noon Eastern on October 31st. Until next time, comrades: socialism or death!

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About El Presidente

After a successful fourteen-year career as a South American dictator, El Presidente faked his own death in 2013 in order to pursue his two true passions: rigging American elections for Joe Biden, and wrestling dirt sheet reporting. Since opportunities to rig the election for Joe Biden were few and far between until recently, El Presidente mostly focused on the wrestling dirt sheet reporting, where he became one of the best in the business. Unfortunately, the American CIA sabotaged his 1-900 hotline, the pinnacle of his country's wrestling news technology, and imperialist hacks like Meltzer, Johnson, Sapp, and Satin took all the credit on their stupid websites. Finally, El Presidente has found a way to break into the American market by becoming a Bleeding Cool contributor, so get ready for the spread of great wrestling news and socialism, comrades!
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